AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

She answered this as well! 'See all' on OPs posts will tell you more than the first one

Sorry, I see that you ARE living elsewhere, OP - so why are you going round so often? Cut down the visits and/or move further away or, better still, just go back home.

She isn't living there

I'm a similar age to your mother, and retired, and this bears no relation to my life. At all. However, it is a truth that "after 3 days, fish and guests stink".... I don't think any of us could happily live with our folks for as long as you are doing. It isn't normal. It's upsetting your mother, and it's upsetting you.
Find somewhere new to live ASAP, and be more like your brother - just see your mum occasionally.

So stop going round there as much then.

Just to note, menopause symptoms don't necessarily stop when periods stop. Some symptoms can be extreme irritability and no filter. That might have a part to play.

From her perspective, it sounds like she's raised children, worked full time, had a very passive/inactive husband and has just got obsessively into martyrdom habits which she can't drop because it's become her raison d'être. And she's now exhausted, hence angry, with the continued effort as she gets older.
I'm a bit older than her and am sometimes accused by my family of being "too Monica Geller". I then drop it.

I think adult kids usually keep their parents' behaviour in check and you maybe need to take the piss a bit, mildly and kindly but with a sense of humour, and see if she gets it and backs off before it's too late. We all need someone to ground us sometimes.
It sounds hard to watch/live with from both sides.

I would have an honest conversation with her op. Her behaviour is unacceptable and if she continues she will push you away. It sounds as if she’s struggling with retirement; she wouldn’t be the first. She needs to reevaluate her life and take a hard look at what she wants it to look like for the next 25-30
years. At 60 she’s still relatively young. She needs to direct her time into things other than family.

When you buy/rent your next house, make sure it’s further away

First I’ve heard that menopause can go on that long. I dont think it’s that, myself.

Oh dear. There’s always at least one who trots out this utter guff.
There we are then.

OP's mother sounds very taxing but anyone "enquiring into my HRT dosage" because they didn't like my manner would get short shrift from me.

Have you ever gone absolutely nuclear at her?
Spoken to her in the same tone and language that she has used at you since childhood?
You aren’t some little group of Dance Monkeys there for her Greatest Granma show, so she needs to have some respect for you and your family.

If she is prepared to give all that, she needs to be really prepared to take it. And the coverall excuse “I’m just like that” can get in the fucking bin. If she had a successful business she was perfectly capable of sucking up to customers and all sorts of people. She does actually know how to behave, she just doesn’t think you are worth it.

Why does she have a key to your house? She shouldn't be able to come in and start putting clothes away or anything else.

I think you have a problem with boundaries and need to explain that it's your home and she only comes in when invited and you cook your own meals etc.

Just a thought… I was on oral progesterone HRT and became an absolute monster. I only realised when I had a forced break from it due to supply issues - as soon as I started the tablets again, I could feel the rage building. I switched to the Mirena coil and have been fine since. So worth considering if your mum is on HRT (and if she isn’t, maybe worth her trying it to balance out her hormones).

OP you have already tried chatting to her, tried to tell her you don't want her doing this and her response has been to ignore you, double down and become angrier.

If she won't go for a check up or speak to a psychologist about any possible issues, there is nothing more to be done.

You can't change her, only how you react to her. So limit your time, move away, have as little or as much to do with her as you choose.

And definitely don't let her abuse you over your choices. If you gently and briefly make it clear to her that you are avoiding her because of her unbearable behaviour that might be the push she needs to look for help.

If not, you've made your own life a whole lot nicer regardless.

Look up grey rocking too.

Sorry - meat to say pull his weight (re your father)

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. My parents (Dad now dead) and Mum were the same. It is classic narc behaviour and he’s enabling it (has crossed a line into ‘having a word’ with you to keep his life like it is!). Long story of this type of behaviour from my parents and now n/c with my mother (there’s a lot more to it, but the behaviour gor worse).

You have to set firm boundaries. Start with not letting her cross personal space boundaries (putting all your clothes away is a good example). Tell her you don’t want to eat three course meals and that a snack lunch is fine (sandwich, soup, salad etc). It sounds like your Dad doesn’t do a lot land rather than tell him to pull his with she gets angry. It’ll be amplified as she is recently retired and forced into being at home all the time. I agree a health check for her - hormones, thyroid etc would be good.

Could someone else look after your son so you could take her out and try to have a chat about your concerns about her wellbeing. Then once that’s done (so you’ve done the right thing) you can double down to the boundaries (tell her in animple terms what they are eg ‘please don’t speak to me like that’, ‘I prefer to organise my own clothes’, ‘I don’t want a starter and a pudding thank you’) and consistently walk away every single time she crosses them. It’s hard but necessary for your own well being and that of your son who is witnessing her behaviour.

Oh, and stop calling it quality time - an awful and in this case, meaningless trope! Indeed, consciously think about the time you’ll spend with her on your terms and stick to it. Eg see her for coffee or tea out ir trip to the park with your son. - not the whole day. Meeting on neutral ground is a good tip - harder for her to be at her absolute worst in public!

Regarding your Dad, if he tries to come as your Mum’s messenger again stop him and suggest that the conversation is better coming directly from your mother and don’t continue with it.

Finally, you said you would have gone straight to London. Is that still an option? Think carefully where you are going to live going forward to avoid too much ‘popping round’ (and interfering) in their part!

I do wish you all the best. Look after yourself.

I would call her and ask for a chat, 1-2-1 just the two of you. I would then be incredibly honest and repeat what you’ve essentially said on here. Concerned for her, but also wanting to raise it now as you’re orherwie concerned your relationship could be impacted if you don’t jointly address it. Position it coming from a place of compassion, not attacking (otherwise she will feel backed into a corner). Therefore when she reacts remain calm.

Then it’s on her after that to either change her behaviour or not. She was warned.

I'd tell her to chill out and not fuss so much. And to get a hobby. Even if it caused a scene. I used to be able to say such things to my DM, she might get upset but would actually take it on board.

I had a go at her when she said she had no time to do her colouring books or knitting because she was doing so much for me, when I hadn't asked her to do any of those chores and they would get done without her, and she was martyring herself and making those choices of how to spend her time.

I'm in my fifties and have several siblings in their early to mid sixties. DH is approaching sixty. They might have slowed down a little, but are the same people they've always been. Sixty isn't old.
She's either who she's always been (and you didn't see it clearly), or she needs to see a doctor.

@TheOutlier - You need to re-read the information given.

She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I have (asked about her health), she says this is what she was always like and I need to accept it.

She literally went in and started doing it. I can't relay how stubborn she is.

My dad literally does NOTHING ever and he defends her 100% of the time so he can keep doing nothing.

(on being asked to say to her it is exhausting watching this and upsetting and she wants her to stop) I have told her all this. She told me I'm ridiculous, that this is how she is and end of it.

OPs mother is doing this to herself and the father is cheering her on to make his life easy. OP is in no way to blame for this, given the information we have, she is actively opposed to her mother making "sacrifices" OP doesn't want and has expressed this to no avail.

Maybe the mother needs a physical check up, maybe she needs therapy, maybe this is just who she is but no, she's not in any way trapped by the OP and the family in general - only by herself, her own choices and probably her lazy husband.

Team mum here. She seems to be trapped in an entirely domestic world of cooking and cleaning and bending over backwards to serve the OP and family. There seems to be no sense of her at all as a person. What are her interests, what does she do for fun? Because it seems to me she is not having any fun at all, she is just trapped in a world of domesticity. I’d say it’s time for mum to discover herself, make some friends, go to an art group, get out for a coffee or do some exercise. She seems to be completely sacrificing her own personality for her family and they are paying her back with a load of hatred. YOLO mum! Get out there and do something for yourself.

Move further away. Have less contact. This is the only solution I'm afraid, as you can't change her you can only change how you react to her.

It's her responsibility to get HRT then, it have the self-awareness at least not to make her own daughter miserable.