AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

OP, it sounds as if, without the distractions of work and other requirements, her underlying traits are coming to the fore. It’s a hard transition and I think a lot of people struggle with it- it sounds lovely not to work but in reality, work supports us in a lot of ways which may not be so obvious day to day but are missed when they are gone - a sense of purpose and accomplishment, a structure to the day and week, social contact, etc etc. Having said that, there’s no excuse for bad behaviour, and 60 is not elderly!

So pleased to see a non mental health professional actually refraining from offering an armchair psychiatric diagnosis'. World Narcissism expert Prof. Sam Vaknin puts actual narcs at just c. 2-3 % of the overall population. Yet nowadays, everyone's annoying family member is automatically a narc. 😂

Gosh, how misogynistic. Are women only a combination of hormones? Whether or not she is on HRT is entirely HER OWN BUSINESS. Seems to me like the OP is trying to control her.

Don’t like your mum doing a ton of free domestic chores for you? Move away. Take control of your own life. If the stay is only brief, as you say, go for some days out and make quality time with the family. The humdrum domestic world you are all stuck in sounds stifling for everyone. Try getting out of the house! Maybe do something nice for your mum for a change.

She folded clothes in the wardrobe? The monster! Does anyone in either household read a book, watch the news or talk about anything other than domestic stuff? It doesn’t seem like it.

I feel for you. I also have an element of sympathy for your mother. She might be an overbearing woman who needs to be in control, maybe missing running her successful business so now running the home like an organisation. You say you lived abroad for a long time so maybe she missed her daughter and her grandchild more than you realise. Sometimes we try so hard to make things perfect that we make them unbearable. Becoming a grandmother can sometimes be overwhelming and I know from experience that it can be heartbreaking if you don’t have as much contact as you would like. Your brother stays away ( not sure if he has children) so maybe you returning had made her think she would have this fabulous bond with you and your child ( not realistic but sort of understandable). The menopause is a bitch but I’m not excusing your mother’s behaviour. Maybe when you move to London you can establish an easier way of being together? I hope you can find a way to navigate the next few months and maintain some sort of relationship. Maybe when your child is more used to her she will relax a bit and realise three course dinners aren’t necessary! Good luck.

I’m 59 in September and I hope I’m never like that. I do remember blowing up sometimes when my kids were young when overwhelmed which must have been upsetting for them, but actually now I’m much calmer despite still working full time because I don’t have so much on my plate. She has even less but it sounds like your DF is a major issue here - despite martyring herself by cooking 3 course meals etc he is sitting back and doing nothing and I bet has always sat back and done nothing and she is raging after 30-40 years of it.

Definitely make sure she cannot let herself into your house to start doing unwelcome jobs there again & speak to your father about stepping up. She probably won’t let him but he should at least try.

The thing is though, menopause hits some women like a brick and it’s never « over » as such! The « castration » of hormones is permanent!

The fatigue can be so profound and it’s difficult to describe; likes it’s in your bones. Unless you have experienced it, it’s really hard to explain.

Your mum sounds like she needs a project outside of the home Op! And you all as a family sound like you need some fun! Invite your mum out with your dc rather than focusing your activities on their home.

Wheh she gets angry you could try saying to her gently; « mum, I love you, but you seem very angry, it’s time to let go of the three meals a day and do something for you! »

Get her vitamin D levels checked. My mother went completely doolally when hers were really low. Complete lack of logic or reason and HUGE blowups over invented or trivial things. Was about to go completely non contact but thankfully her doctor realised, put her on supplementary vitamin D and she's back to normal now.

I haven't read the full thread but I wondered if she has some form of OCD which has got out of control since she found herself with more time on her hands?

It struck me that she is driven to do these things and can't help herself. She may not want to, hence getting angry and overwhelmed at times when she can't quite have it all 'perfect' so she can relax. Just a thought.

I agree with this.

@HeatwaveToddlerMum334222 Has your dm's controlling behaviour escalated a huge amount since last seeing her? Is she on hrt?

Have you tried sitting down with your parents and your db and explaining how she's making you feel? Yes she'll feel cornered and probably go off it and nc. But I bet she'll be back. And hopefully have toned down her behaviour?

You aren't enjoying her company and you don't want her controlling your dc in the future. They'll be staying at hers once older.

Has anyone in the family ever said to her ‘you seem really unhappy, what’s making you feel that way?’

@operationplaytime it’s hard to take a step back when this is a parent behaving in this way… but unless you do, nothing will change.

So you either accept that this is the way it is. Or you stop enabling the behaviour.

That won’t feel comfortable. And you may be avoiding the fall out., but you are an adult with agency and you can choose not to visit,
ro cut a visit short, to spell out when something is not acceptable to you. You’re just afraid of her reaction.

Would you let anyone else treat you this way?
I doubt it.

Time to stand up to her…

Maybe this is part of the conversation you need to have with her OP.

I’m sorry, it sucks, it’s really hard and I imagine very far from the summer you were expecting.

Evil evil channel

If my mother behaved like this id have no issues telling her she's unpleasant to be around and to leave me alone until she sorts her issues nor would she have any issues telling me the same . Grow a backbone and tell her that her behaviour is making everyone miserable and tell your dad allowing it ans not calling her out helps no one !

Glad you’ve been able to moan. It sounds a horrible situation, I was going to suggest you move but you’re doing that anyway in Sept.

You cannot change her, you can only change your own behaviour/reaction to her. So you will need to set up very firm boundaries when you do move, I’d make sure there are no spare bedrooms in your new house otherwise she’ll be coming and staying with you!

Ive had personal experience of this situation with my MIL. It took dh years of therapy to beable to put in firm boundires. We spend minimum time with them, and we have learnt to say “no, that doesn’t suit us” to her many requests for our time.

Good luck with it all.

We had similar. My mother and father in law decided to move close by. I tried very hard to visit them, invite them to us, find things to go to together. I had hoped for quality time. They could both be a bit difficult after a few days together on holiday (the mask would slip with MIL who would begin making comments about the kids and our parenting. FIL would let his opinions on the world out and show the real him!). When they moved it turned out the mask was permanantly off. Expected everything their way but unpleasant and unkind whilst we were with them. Sulky and rude about us to others when we said no to things. The up shot was a year of very little time spent with them and now we see them about every 3 weeks or so for a few hours. We have decided, given they are now 70, the best thing we can do is see them just enough to be able to keep a relationship but also not too much so that we snap and say something we cant take back. They will never see themselves as in the wrong. Funny thing is when we drank too much with my husbands sister and partner and had a bit of a heart to heart they said exactly the same. So at least we know its not just us 'being over sensitive and not being able to take a joke' which is the narrative they push.

I absolutely do sympathise, my own mother is a massive martyr and it's incredibly frustrating. She also has main character syndrome which sounds similar.
However, a quick note on menopause...it's not something that is ever 'done' although some of the turbulence may die down for some women. It's a catastrophic hormone deficiency which doesn't suddenly correct itself and at 60 your mum could still be in a very flux state. Please don't underestimate the power of menopause and just how debilitating it can be. Someone like your DM can even find it much worse than others because she will be unwilling to adjust her behaviour/lifestyle and admit she needs to care for herself too.
Good luck OP, I agree with others on here that you need to step back a little and avoid the most difficult situations...suggest activities that are more suited to you and your family and definitely avoid long meals!

Ooh, this is horribly familiar. My mum does everything for everyone, whether they want her to or not, and then is resentful when people are "ungrateful" and "don't appreciate her" but to me, it feels like she's just doing it for herself - like she has an image what she should be doing to qualify as good and kind and altogether marvellous, and how everyone else should act in return. Then when her doing a, b, and c doesn't result in others doing x, y, and z, she blows up (or just sulks).

I have no idea what the answer is!

MIL has similar tendencies, albeit to a lesser extent. I think it's part loneliness due to her life revolving around DP, part feeling like being 'useful' is the only thing she can contribute to the relationship. It's sad because I know that none of it is actually done maliciously. The only way out IMO is for her to build a non-family related social circle, perhaps through volunteering or something similar so she can develop a sense of self beyond the family unit.

GB news is the work of the devil.

"can't stop" If she did stop what would be lurking underneath? Feelings.

Slowly, slowly distane yourself.

Actually op, you sound a bit like your dad.

Whist you say that ‘her menopause is already over’ this shows a real lack of understanding - the it is not ‘over’ in the way that one’s first period signals puberty or that 12m without a period signals the menopause has happened. The impact of the loss of pre-menopause hormones can be permanent and negatively impactful. Many women never recalibrate to the lowered levels of estrogen etc. Low mood, irritability, anger, anxiety and low self esteem are all symptoms.

As others have said I would sit and have a conversation with her and explore what she wants at this stage of her life and whether she has tried HRT? If you explain that she seems very unhappy, not herself and - from a place of love rather than irritation - you are concerned for her, perhaps you can support her in getting the help she needs and finding a path back to the version of herself that both you and she remember?

Sounds like My mum a bit, always had a short temper and would blow up, upset everyone, then get annoying when We couldn't move on as quickly as her and accuse us of holding grudges.

She also does that that thing where she does all the cooking at her place etc then gets angry that no-one helped, even when we offered. If one of us is doing something in the kitchen like making a coffee or I'm making something for my 2 year old, she Wont wait she'll just start doing her thing and literally reach over my arms or get annoyed I'm in her space, even if inwas there fjrst and going to me just a few mins. She also does things like get angry if someone is In the bathroom when she's just woken up and wants to use it, but we aren't mind readers knowing when she'll be up! She doesn't sound as extreme as your mum, and I call her out on her behaviour now as she was DREADFUL during menopause, I didn't make the link at the time as I was in my early 20s but I used to despair when I visited her, she was SO angry and volatile and it was stressful to placate her or avoid a blow up. Everything had to be on her terms or it was a catastrophe, and she'd accuse us of ganging up on her if we stood up for ourselves at all.

I can say though that I simply do call her out now and she's improved somewhat, it's taken years however. My sister doesn't have much of a relationship with her which is a shame. I have no fear of standing up for myself as I'm an adult with my own home and my own happiness, my own little family. I don't think she really believes she's ever in thr wrong but she at least holds her tongue when she's on a tirade if I tell her to stop.

My parents have become like this since retirement. I think it’s the lack of any meaningful structure. They both get out and see people but also spend a lot of time at home in front of GBNews, which just feeds into their anger.