AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

Gosh, not exactly the same situation, but similar.

My mum retired at 65 — in her line of work it was compulsory. If it wasn’t, she would have worked until she dropped dead. She had a very high-level judge role, and I think for most of her life success was her main focus and her whole identity.

Now she’s retired, she feels quite lost. She doesn’t really know what to do with herself, so she ends up getting frustrated and taking it out on the people around her. No matter how many times I try to explain things, she thinks I’m being ridiculous and that she’s right. My dad is quite passive and just lets her get on with it so he can have peace. He’s probably just happy if she leaves him alone and directs her energy elsewhere.

I’ve realised the only thing I can really do is learn from it. I’ve recently finished my PhD and got a good job, but I’ve chosen to go part-time. I’d rather have time for hobbies and focus on my little ones. I don’t want to become the kind of person who is only defined by work, even though I can be very career-driven.

Having health and money but not enjoying retirement feels really sad. Unfortunately, you can’t change someone like that, no matter how much you try.
The only real options are to set boundaries, see them less often if needed, and make sure you choose a different path for yourself.

Yes the “give her HRT” line smacks of some sort of medical cosh.

If you don’t want your mum to cook three course meals just say “no thanks”. Are you made of jelly? Unable to speak? Same with cleaning. No need to assassinate this poor woman’s character just because you are incapable of saying no.

The pettiness is staggering.

Anyone else's mum unbearable as she gets older?

My mum is 60 this year, menopause already over. We (me and DS, and DH ocasionally) are spending some "quality" time with my parents at the moment (we have recently moved back to the UK after years spent in Asia, although we did see them a lot but it was always on holiday) and wow, she is genuinely so, so angry. She's recently retired, in good health, zero financial worries. Her life is genuinely perfect right now. The smallest thing will trigger her. Mostly housework/laundry/cleaning related. But traffic can be a trigger too. Every day is dictated by her moods. If she's happy, we're all happy. If one of us does something to piss her off or something goes mildly wrong, God help everyone. Everything must be perfect. It then triggers my dad, who will try to keep the peace but eventually blows up (usually at someone else, not her).

She's always been a bit like this, I definitely remember her being moody when I was growing up. But she had a full time job, children to raise etc. She was just a normal, slightly stressed mum.

She does do A LOT. She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I'm at.a total loss. It's ruining what should be a really nice time. I can't tell if it's anxiety, or just a horrible temper that has gotten worse.

My brother lives half an hour away and has visited once in 6 months. I now understand why.

Mine is too. In that situation I would have to stand, pointing at the door shouting "out! Get out!" at her, increasingly loudly. Until she would finally shuffle out saying there's something wrong with me.
It's exhausting. Can only fight fire with fire with people like our mums and other people with reasonable parents just don't get it.

Let’s not heap personality disorder diagnoses on your poor mum. I think she loves you a lot and has probably looked forward to this for ages but is going about it all wrong.
i woods invite her to yours more where she can’t be cooking, go out for a few meals etc. if that fails then tell her she is stressing you out and needs to really chill out as she’s spoiling everything with the high expectations she has for herself. I think she wants it to be perfect instead of trying to relax

Mine is too. In that situation I would have to stand, pointing at the door shouting "out! Get out!" at her, increasingly loudly. Until she would finally shuffle out saying there's something wrong with me.
It's exhausting. Can only fight fire with fire with people like our mums and other people with reasonable parents just don't get it.

She literally went in and started doing it. I can't relay how stubborn she is.

Yes the “give her HRT” line smacks of some sort of medical cosh.

If you don’t want your mum to cook three course meals just say “no thanks”. Are you made of jelly? Unable to speak? Same with cleaning. No need to assassinate this poor woman’s character just because you are incapable of saying no.

The pettiness is staggering.

I didn't read all you post as the first sentence triggered me, menopause is over,its never over,its for the rest of her life,how ignorant are you shes needs hrt to replaced the hormones that she has lost,do your homework daughter because you are looking at your future. Ifborant and I'll informed you ate im so angry you let women down and your mother,
. Go see a hrt specialist,Dr naomi potter,David a Mcaul get informed not just for her but mainly yourself.

Anyone else's mum unbearable as she gets older?

My mum is 60 this year, menopause already over. We (me and DS, and DH ocasionally) are spending some "quality" time with my parents at the moment (we have recently moved back to the UK after years spent in Asia, although we did see them a lot but it was always on holiday) and wow, she is genuinely so, so angry. She's recently retired, in good health, zero financial worries. Her life is genuinely perfect right now. The smallest thing will trigger her. Mostly housework/laundry/cleaning related. But traffic can be a trigger too. Every day is dictated by her moods. If she's happy, we're all happy. If one of us does something to piss her off or something goes mildly wrong, God help everyone. Everything must be perfect. It then triggers my dad, who will try to keep the peace but eventually blows up (usually at someone else, not her).

She's always been a bit like this, I definitely remember her being moody when I was growing up. But she had a full time job, children to raise etc. She was just a normal, slightly stressed mum.

She does do A LOT. She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I'm at.a total loss. It's ruining what should be a really nice time. I can't tell if it's anxiety, or just a horrible temper that has gotten worse.

My brother lives half an hour away and has visited once in 6 months. I now understand why.

Who’d be a mother, eh? Hope your kids as just as unappreciative when grown up.

Who’d be a mother, eh? Hope your kids as just as unappreciative when grown up.

Who’d be a mother, eh? Hope your kids as just as unappreciative when grown up.