AIBU to not trust my sister-in-law as far as I could throw her?

All I'm going to say is me and all my siblings offered a sibling a place to stay when his marriage was rocky, we weren't nasty or anything to sil but our own family would always come first and we are the ones he came to talk to. Sadly she left for a dream that didn't last anyway but even so I don't see it being them with the problem

Ofc he stays out of their dramas. Ofc he thinks it’s all pathetic

Until it suits him to leverage their faaaaaamily loyalty when your marriage is on the rocks.

Or when his sister is bitchy towards you.

He won’t defend you or stand up to them, will he?

Ime, just freeing yourself entirely (yes sack your h) is the only freedom from these nightmares.

Right. And what's the betting he's the reason she is saying "I have to" meet up with these people again.

Also, when they nearly divorced - what had he done? She has carefully avoided details so it must have been really bad. Not that I need to or want to know, just pointing out he most likely has form for being awful.

These people might indeed be dreadful people, some families are toxic, I am willing to believe that. If so, it sounds like the husband apple has not fallen far from his family tree.

I think OP needs counselling, all by herself, to unpick the damage her husband has caused her and what is really going on here. And then, maybe, if he'll go (and I don't think he'll bother) relationship counselling.

I’ve seen a post about something like this years ago when I first joined mumsnet. Fuck them all off and forget about it. You don’t like them they don’t like you. Free yourself and refuse to go to any of there stuff ever again. Problem solved.

Do you really want to stay married to a man who chose to treat you appallingly?

Forget his relatives, start planning a happy future for yourself.

How much drama do the men in the family create by not managing family thought load, not communicating and not effectively managing their side of relationships?

The OP said nothing about SIL laughing in her face. She did assume glee without evidence.

You are the person creating drama here. She was supporting her brother as any good sister would. Your in-laws chose not to meddle in your marriage. Good on them. Do you have siblings? If they supported you, would that also be out of line?

I think you go, but just sit away from her and don’t give her any ammunition. Just grey rock them all.

'Three months of heartbreak' sounds like a Country & Western song......
If it's three months, it isn't heartbreak.

Ok, so his “staying out of it” is actually avoiding conflict and not being able to stand up to them

I think your marriage is the bigger issue and ILs are a red herring. They clearly realise your marriage is toxic and have selected to side with their son/brother which is to be expected.

OP you're really getting piled on here. People who haven't experienced the insanity of cliques in families who live only for drama don't understand-don't let them bother you, be happy they have no frame of reference.

I do have a frame of reference and before I went NC with my family many years ago I used to feel dazed after some of the wacky things that happened, questioning my own sanity. Then one day I realized I didn't have to participate and removed myself from the shitshow. God I almost threw up before a party once, that was near the end. (If only the internet had existed I'd have learned boundaries and how mad my mother & SILs were much sooner)

I recall attending a funeral once a few years after I'd walked away. A cousin's teenage son turned around and stared at me long and hard with a baffled expression.I don't care what they said about me, I know myself, I know what I've done and I never fucked with people for funsies. I sleep with a clear conscience, not sure about most of the women in my family (and the fucking weak men who blithely ignore it all).

OP I'd think hard about attending-do you want to give fuel to people who gleefully watch you for any wrong move? If you do go practice grey rocking- someone asks how you are 'I'm fine thank you'. How's work? 'Fine, thanks'. Did you get that promotion? 'Oh look there's some nice bean dip excuse me'
Bland, innocuous, neither warm nor cold. Stick to the facts like you're talking to a hostile detective and offer no details.

My in laws were the same, cut them all off as they were constantly cutting each other off, making up having big dramas and cutting off again. Wasn’t healthy for anyone especially all the kids involved.
Life is much better without them!

Don't go , just say you aren't feeling right , which is true . Good luck @UntrustworthyInLaws 🤞

I have a horrific BIL and I either avoid him where possible, or if I do see him I just nod smile and agree whilst not really listening to anything he says. I'm just polite and get out of there ASAP 'I'm sorry I have to go, I totally forgot my house is on fire'!

And does he want you to go to the dinner or does he not care if you are regretfully “sick today”?

I had almost the exact same situation. I get it OP, YANBU.

Anyway, you very definitely do not have to go, and if you choose to go it's because you want drama too.

Avoid people who cause you distress. Problem solved.

I am closer to my sister in law than my own family or friends but of course if my brother and her were going to split up I would support him and offer him somewhere to live. On the other point if my DH and I were having issues the last thing I would want us to be contacted by my in laws ie them contacting my DC about it

I don’t think what she did was wrong. I mean tbf you clearly don’t like each other, if DB was potentially getting divorced I would of course support him. Families will absolutely stick together and some families are more fractious than others. I don’t know how SIL is competing with you, you don’t provide any examples of that. If Dh family has a fight I just get the goss from him but it’s not really any of my business so I keep well out, so not sure how that affects you.

I agree with pp, you are projecting onto your sil a bit here.

Op, your tone is immature and drama Queen. Your credibility isn’t high. Maybe throw away your resentment and chill a bit.

You are closer to it OP, from what you have written many people will see that it is normal for a sibling to step up and visit more or offer accommodation when a marriage is breaking up, but you are referring to her enjoying the drama of it. So perhaps there is more to it, when you know you know… It’s not uncommon for ILs to take sides and blank the other party during or after a breakup. Possibly your husband told his family all sorts during the breakup and they are reacting to that. Many siblings will extend trust…and your husband doesn’t see the problem, so something there tells me the issue could start with him? Something for you to work through. But, to coin a mumsnet phrase, it’s an invitation not a summons. Why don’t you just be ill or have a clash whenever there is a meet up? Let your DH facilitate the relationship with his family. You don’t have to be great friends with ILs, you can pick and choose and just decide when it’s important to be there and when not, always be civil and respectful. Be on your guard, reveal nothing of yourself, stay sober, respond only in pleasantries. That way there is zero drama to feed on for them.

Your husband's family doesn't like you and doesn't see you as family. They treat you poorly and your husband excuses it.

The part about the one SIL offering her bro a place to stay, well, that's being supportive. Hrr version is different than your family's but that doesn't make her version wrong.

This is how they are, you know this, you've been married a long time. Do you think your husband's going to change and make them stop trash talking behind your back? He's not going to do that.

See them less, give them less headspace. If your husband objects to you not seeing them, tell him you will when he grows a spine and tells them to stop with the backstabbing trash talk. No, what you want to do is not unreasonable.

I get you feel like you're in enemy territory with this upcoming dinner but forget them and enjoy the food and moment for what it is. If there's a good dish, recreate it at home.

You seem quite dramatic yourself. Just say hello, goodbye and thank goodness it cooled down. Job done.
We all have difficult relatives, but you seem to be glorying in yours.