Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

I really can’t believe my eyes. Absolutely disgusting the amount of parents that wash their hands of their children’s bulling behaviour. My heart breaks for that little boy and his mum, what has he done to deserve everyone picking on him? Just awful.

I’d keep everything off text for a start be the grown up and have a conversation like in the olden days. So much can be misconstrued in a message and hers to me isn’t unreasonable at all clearly it is to others.

You wouldn't want to know if your child had bullied another child?! Yikes!

She should know when you see bad things happen you don’t join and you go and tell a teacher that’s the sort of behaviour that is celebrated in schools. she needs a very hard talking to. Doesn’t really matter what everyone else was doing. I’m sure the school will deal with. It doesn’t make what your daughter did any better impact. It makes it worse because this person considered her a friend.

How would you feel if your daughter was in the position her son is in and her friend was encouraging other people to be unkind to her? Easy to judge this mum when it’s not your child being picked on. Why not just speak to your child about not being unkind to others and how if you laugh along with the bully you are the bully etc., I certainly would be mortified to know my child was treating their friends this way and would want to speak to my child to ensure it never happens again. Regardless of what other kids did or didn’t do, your child is the only one you have any influence or responsibility over

Totally!! The parents saying let school sort it out are appalling! I think she’s messaged you as trusts her child to tell the truth. He was telling the truth as your daughter was involved so I’d be apologetic and reassure I’d talk to her about not joining in being mean. Equally I wouldn’t be too disappointed in your daughter. They are still very young and can get carried away with others. I would take it as an opportunity to talk about kindness and treating others as you would like to be treated etc.

I’m honestly absolutely horrified some parents would ignore this behaviour from their own child and let the school deal with it. It’s a parents responsibility to make sure their child knows not to pick on other kids - not schools!

This isn’t meant to be critical of your child. All children need guidance and learn through experience

I did similar when my DS (then 7) was practising his martial art on a girl in his class who was frightened. Her mum spoke to me at pick up time - not aggressively, but she was upset. He fessed up straightaway, but I wasn’t particularly shocked, unfortunately, because we’d already had words because he’d tried it on his cousin.

I thanked her for letting me know and marched him straight back to the class and asked the teacher to let me know immediately if he ever did it again because if he did, he would no longer be doing said martial art. The teacher’s kids also did the same activity with the same sensei and she reminded him that sensei explicitly warns them all against doing it on kids at school. He learned pretty quickly.

I wouldn’t mess about in this case, whether or not others were worse. She has taken part in bullying and needs to understand clearly how wrong that is. So I would have told her clearly that her behaviour was cruel and she must never join in cruelty to be part of a group. And yes, there would be a suitable punishment and she must write him an apology.

I'd be telling the boy to hit back tbh. Usually sorts out the bullies pretty quick. My brother was a easy going kid and not really one to get into fights but he was really into martial arts and boxed from a young age. Nobody ever tried it on at school The couple of times it happened with much bigger kids he just hit them with a body shot and it was game over.

This. Your daughter was unkind.

I think she didn't come back because these are not the responses she wanted to hear.

Yes, they can act together with the school by the communication going through the school – it's a school related incident, so they are the best people to orchestrate the issue and be the first port of call for reported incidents.

If you have an actual bully and the parents are implicitly encouraging it then contacting the parent is going to be highly ineffective. It's also ineffective to address with children after it has happened – it needs to be as soon as possible after the incident has occurred. For all these reasons, the school is the best channel.

You are conflating ‘parent doesn’t care’ with ‘school being the best first port of call’.

So op never came back after the 'but but but what about the other dc involved!'?

What a surprise. She seemed like such a responsible and involved parent.

If you replace my "friends" with "friendly" what I said still applies. It just depends on the attitude of the parents. If they want to get rid of bullying they can act together with the school.
Where there is continued bullying it is often because the parents themselves implicitly encourage it - you can see that from some of the posts on here. It just depends on the attitudes of the parents concerned, whether they want their child to go to school in a bullying-free, exclusion-free, tolerant and happy environment.

I can see why the other mum is upset. As you say, other kids were involved, but she obviously knows you in a way she doesn't know the mums of the other kids, plus it probably had more of an impact because your DD and her DS are supposed to be friends.

As for why your DD behaved like that even though she knew it was wrong, and the fact that she can't explain why - the answer to both those questions is that she's 7 years old. Kids that age simply don't think things through in anything like the same way that you would as an adult. They often do things without really knowing why and without much thought for consequences. Even the nicest of kids that age can be absolutely horrible at times, especially in group dynamics.

My guess is that perhaps she is subconsciously worried that she will also get bullied like her friend if she's seen being friendly with him at school. Sometimes kids are worried about hanging out with a child nobody likes or who is bullied because they're scared they'll be tainted by association or something, even if they can't quite articulate that to others.

I think all you can do is say 'I've had a stern word with her. It all sounds quite complicated with lots of children involved and I can't really get to the bottom of exactly what happened and why, but I've made it very clear to her that her behaviour wasn't OK. She knows it was wrong and will apologise to your DS for being unkind.'

I wouldn't be getting into the rights and wrongs of who else was to blame or why she hasn't spoken to other parents or anything like that.

I think it’s better that the mum spoke to you and tried to help sort things out rather than just complaining to school. I understand if you feel badly but saying sorry and I will speak to my daughter is all that’s needed here rather than your feelings being bruised - it’s about the lad who got hit

I'd definitely reply and say how awful it sounds and you'll speak to your child And the school...then get back to her after...you see this mum every day and you dont want bad feelings every time.i think it's understandable that she msgd you tho as it shows she trusts your judgement....just my point of view.saying that,at age 7 he could be confused if your daughter was actually talking to those boys to tell them not to hit him ♡

I didn’t say she didn’t. It happened at school, it was addressed at school = appropriate channel is the school.

The boy's mum isn't going to talk to you about all of the other children involved. I would imagine that is why it feels like the heat is all on your daughter but you don't know if she has already involved the other parents.
If it were me, I would apologise to the mum for my child's behaviour and make sure my child apologises. I would also let them know that my child will be speaking to the teacher about their involvement so the teacher is aware of the situation and then figure out what would be a suitable consequence for my child.
The rest is out of your hands.

The kid admitted to it though!

Sorry but what a cope out thing to say! It doesn't matter if other kids were involved, whether was the main instigator or not. Where in there was the accountability of what This child has done? This parent was raising what this particular child has done with this childs parent, you don't minimise it by saying "well she wasn't main instigator or acting alone"
As the boys parent i wouldn't give a stuff whether she was or wasn't, only concerned that she was involved and did something and needs to be held to account.

I would assume OP, that you being a decent parent have marched your delightful daughter round to that poor little boys house and made her say sorry for bullying him. Did the little boy accept her apology ?

Im really not sure op should be saying any version of "oh but others were doing it too" to the poor mum, thats not helpful, doesnt matter one bit, and is something expected for a 7 year old to say, not an adult.

I'd go for a response like "I've spoken to dd and she admitted joining in with a group saying to annoy your ds, but denies saying anyone should hit him. I am obviously disappointed in this behaviour and will address it. I hope your ds is alright, and that the school can give some support."

I think it's a nuanced situation. It's hard for a 7yo to be the lone voice standing up against bullying, and while that might be the point you want to get to, it's maybe too much to expect without support. I'd have a conversation about what else she could have done (told an adult perhaps) and help her reflect on how she was feeling and thinking at the time, and what she can do to put it right.

I would then speak to the teacher yourself so they can speak to the wider class and help manage the situation.

Probably dealing with a hundred other urgent matters. This is where we are after years of underfunding.

despair for humanity at times