Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

I had a similar situation a couple of years ago. My DS had said nasty things to one of the girls in his class and told others not to be friends with her.

The class teacher spoke to me about this specific incident and I then spoke to the girl’s Mum in the playground to apologise and reassure her that we’d be speaking to him at home. From that conversation I found out that it had been happening for a while.

We then both let the teacher know that it was a bigger issue than originally thought. I spoke to DS and got to the bottom of what was happening (jealousy, friendship issues, the usual primary school stuff) and put sanctions in place at home. The other Mum and I then then checked in with each other regularly to make sure it hadn’t happened again. We’re even quite friendly these days and chat on the school run.

Don’t shoot the messenger OP, and don’t get distracted by focusing on the Mum - the main thing here is the situation with your daughter and what your next steps are. Work together, get school involved and resolve this like adults.

I agree with this.

That poor boy, his only friend joined in with the awful bullying taking place and your reaction is to minimise her input? It’s so horrible to hear. He’s probably devastated because she was on his side and now she’s not. I’d be so disappointed and make that clear to DD.

I would contact the other Mum, say you have spoken to your daughter and will deal with her appropriately, but also suggest she takes it up with the school as many children appear to be involved. Her poor son.

I think you need to apologise to this parent, and have your DC apologise too. It doesn’t matter if she wasn’t the only one, she was still part of it. Think about the message you’ll be sending to her about how to treat people if you let her get away with it.
Maybe the other mum could have handled it better, but I don’t think she sounds batshit, as others have said.

If your darling daughter is guilty then make sure you punish her. Too many little biathces get away with this type of behaviour, as they are devious so and so's, and very good at pretending like the butter wouldn't melt! I'm so glad I don't have any daughters, only boys.

The other children are not your concern. Your child is, and I like @CountFucula's example response.

Some children are easily led, and it sounds like your daughter has got caught up with the peer pressure. I would not be happy, but I'd want to know why she did it, and if she doesn't really know, because she likes him, I would suggest you work with her on her resilience and her ability to stand up to bullies.

"the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him" "I spoke to her ... and she said she was part of it, she told them to annoy him after two other girls said it too. She said she didn’t say to hit him."

I am inclined to believe the boy's account over your DD's. Your DD has a reason to lie (to make herself look better), whereas the boy does not. It is highly possible that your DD did instruct the boys to hit him, exactly as he reported.

At the end of the day bullying is physical and/or emotional assault. If an adult treated another adult the way this poor boy was treated they’d be arrested. It is very very serious and it can cause death. Never sweep it under the carpet for any reason. There is zero excuse.

This isn’t about the etiquette of how you were informed. Don’t try to twist it that way.

As an absolute minimum I would be reading my daughter the riot act and she would apologise to him tomorrow to his face. She would then also be grounded for a month (absolute minimum)

bullying isn’t acceptable in any way shape or form, regardless of friends. I would also be really apologetic to the other mum, regardless of who else was involved, your daughter played a part and he is now upset.

I think she’s dealt with it well, I’d be absolutely raging

The parent playground has always been a challenging place with Cliques and besties, competitiveness and sadly bitchyness. But I do feel for you today where you can just rant at anyone on a text when it suits.
We have lost the art to converse.
I will never forget driving home from work to see my Daughter walking up the hill in tears. She was 13 (today 28) at the time. She told me she threw a conker at a girl, she had been friends with because the girl had kicked her.
I was friendly with the mum and spoke to her to apologise and give reasoning. As her daughter was in a group of girls at the time.
We were no longer friends after that conversation but nothing lost to me.
But yours are still little one's and parents behaving like this. I feel so sorry for you.
There are always 2 sides to every story and parents can make a mountain out of a molehill.

Poor little boy. These repeated experiences will be shaping his future. I feel for him and his mum. OP, make sure DD knows you are very disappointed that she joined in the bullying on this occasion and encourage her to make better decisions in future. She should apologise to him. I get that it's easy to be led by the crowd at that age and she probably feels rotten about it (both getting found out by parents and actually doing it). I'm sure she's a good kid really who wants to the the right thing. Remind her that in thr future she will look back on these days and know that she made this boy's school experience a little bit easy (the majority of the time) because she was his friend and stood up for him.

Are you serious though? Wouldn't you at least ask your child what had happened?

The other kids involved are not your concern, op.
Focus on your own child’s bad behaviour, you don’t even know if there were others involved, or if she’s just trying to make herself look less bad.
Was she really upset before you found out about it, or just after she was caught out?

You think this Mum is batshit to raise concerns that her son is being treated badly by his friends?
Your post says stuff about you most people wouldn’t advertise.

Too much children he said they said. You need to discuss this as adults.

I think she’s been quite polite in my opinion, if another child had instructed children to attack my child every parent involved would be dealing with me face to face not over text. Schools are quite useless when it comes to bullying their very limited at what they can do most have some bollocky no blame policy. Luckily my children have never been bullied but when there has been an incident of violence towards my child the parents have absolutely heard about it and everything’s been resolved and apologies have been made. If my child was the aggressor I’d want to know 100% and it would be dealt with accordingly.

I’d just say you’re sorry, Dd will be spoken to and consequences given and that you’ll speak to school also and leave it at that. Then have a chat with the teacher. There’s no sense in dragging out a conversation with the mum, clearly she’s terribly and understandably upset for her son but likely realises it’s more complex than just your dd inciting a whole campaign. I’d avoid over explaining things as it’s all best managed via the school.

She is a bad parent if she chooses to do nothing and / or chooses to make the other mum feel bad for contacting her about it. The number of people on this thread who have suggested that the other mum was wrong to contact her is astounding 😮 no wonder there are so many kids who bully!

It is a bigger problem OP but, its not your problem. I would be very careful not to respond to the other parent saying it was others too as it could come across that you are minimising what your dd has done. I would just reply to say you have spoken to your daughter and it seems like she has joined in with other children and that you are very disappointed, she will have consequences and she will apologise and just leave it there. I am saying this as a parent who was contacted by another parent about my dd's behaviour towards her child. I was very tempted to include all the background etc but everything just sounded like I was minimising what my dd had done. Its horrible but just remember it doesn't make your dd a bad child or you a bad parent. Its a learning opportunity

And here lies the issue, school can't do much, and if it gets into defending their actions as it often does with primary school children when they think they might get into trouble they rend to lie and downplay and school can not accuse them of lying.
If you know your child is involved you should parent your child and ensure they understand that bullying is wrong and face consequences, not least of which should be acknowledging to the child and apologising.

I have been on both sides. I had to message a mum about her daughter sending bullying messages to my DD. Luckily the mum could check her phone and had a word. My DD then got an apology ( immediately deleted afterwards) so clearly just for her mum's benefit but it at least stopped the behaviour. I have also called another parent mortified after finding out my DD was mean to her son. She wasn't aware and appreciated the call. They are kids. Don't take sides just keep it factual and report back what was said and use your judgement about whether how much you believe. Even saying DD says it wasn't her but we have had a chat about how it's not kind to hit people etc is helpful.

We don’t have all the facts. Come back after speaking with DD and then we can give an answer.

She was honest. I’d praise her for that - seriously it’s good - but I’d also march her up to school tomorrow to tell the teacher she wants to apologise to Fred.

Then, case closed