Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

THIS.

A few years ago I had to have a chat with the father of one of the children in my DD's class about ongoing bullying. I tried my best to empower her to deal with it herself and she was fairly successful (and we'd spoken to the teacher) but I had to talk to the father after I witnessed the bullying with my own eyes at a birthday party. The father immediately went on the defence, and refused to accept that his child had done anything wrong, and refused to talk to his child. Fast forward a few years and this child has hardly any friends, because she continued the bullying with other children who were a lot tougher than my child, and as a result, no one wants to be friends with her. Maybe things would have been different with her if her parents had spoken to her about her behaviour.

Well OP,
You have received lots of advice, mostly good, and some conflicting.
I am not going to add, or detract from that.
However, there is one thing you wrote that I cannot get my head around and it really does not sit well with me.

"she told them to annoy him after two other girls said it too."

Kudos to her for admitting involvement but:
Please don't automatically believe this, and as for being upset for being part of this, she's upset for being held to account by you. And I would assume
(rightly, or wrongly) would say anything to you, her mother, to minimise her actual involvement.

Have you replied again? I’d say it sounds like there was a group of children treating her son badly. Normally your daughter stands up for him and tries to protect him. This time she didn’t. She’s very ashamed that she went along with it, but she is also adamant she didn’t encourage anyone to hit him. There’s clearly a bullying problem going on and he is the victim. It’s also putting her under a lot of strain. She has promised not to go along with it again, but she also can’t cope with feeling responsible for stopping it. The teachers need to be involved and the instigators need to be managed appropriately.

Engage as little as possible??? Now that's what I would call batshit advice.
No wonder we have so many wars if we can't actually talk to one another and resolve things through discussion.
Personally I'd find out what my dd's involvement was and if she did participate I would be so disappointed with her and would apologize unreservedly to the other mum and make sure it didn't happen again....
Would you be happy if someone bullied your child and the other mum would've even speak to you? It just adds insult to injury. I really don't understand your thinking/approach at all.

Why do you feel this boy's mother had the wrong approach? She could've posted all over the school's whatsapp group, spread it out for the whole neighbourhood. Instead she chose to give you a call and ask what happened. One-on-one, one mother to another mother. I think that's the right thing to do. The children are 7, so no your daughter is not a criminal, absolutely not. But explaining to her how she hurt this boy who she is (or was) friends with would be very helpfull.

I’d be having very strong words with my DD in those circumstances and take her to apologise to the boy and his mother. She would be punished according to her favourite pastimes. I think it’s right for the other parent to confront or at least query the bully’s parents though I wondered when I read the op how she had the phone number.

It’s not really any of your business who else was involved and how blame should be shared . Your business is your daughter and her behaviour . It sounds like that poor little boy has a horrible time at school and nothing about that should be minimised by you . I would be doing everything in my power to make sure she never bullies another child again. The teachers are there to teach , not to instil morals in the children , that’s your job .

If I were you I would just concern yourself about your DD’s involvement for now.

personally I would acknowledge the other Mum’s text. Saying you have spoken to your DD and you are deeply upset as to the role your DD played.

there’s nothing wrong with offering her an apology and asking after her DS.

I would probably mention that I will be following it up with the school in regard to the bigger picture. Leave it at that.

Agree it’s fine to reach out to parents (aswell as the school) if your child is being bullied… I couldn’t think of a parent I know irl who would knowingly let their child bully…

I’d speak to your DD and find out what happened; then I’d base a polite and friendly reply on that. Her child obviously has a tough time at school and I’d do what I could to help and reassure her. I might speak to school about it if she was particularly insistent or didn’t stay civil..( assuming your DD did not do what she has said… if she did then you need to follow a route involving an apology and some sort of punishment! ) Xo

That poor child, bullied by everyone, and nobody apparently noticed.

Nothing more uncool than a bully. I’d be MORTIFIED if my DC behaved like your DD. The fact that there were more bullies involved has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that HER behaviour was out of line. Teach her to be better.

I think just need to tell the other mum that DD is very upset and ashamed of herself for having been part of this. She didn't initiate it or hurt anyone directly, but she knows it was wrong to be involved at all, and you believe her when she says she won't do anything like it again.

The amount of people insinuating that the boys mother was batshit for reaching out is awful. If it was your kid being bullied: I’m sure you would feel very angry too.

a kid in my sons class had attacked my son once. The school let me know as it was quite serious; the other boys parents were contacted, and the mother reached out to me to apologise and assure me that she will deal with her son. I was really glad that she was taking responsibility and making sure it was clear to her child that the behaviour wasn’t acceptable

Yes l talk to your DD and explain how wrong this is, she wouldn't like it if it was done to her, but also speak to the teacher and ask what's being done about it; poor little boy of course his DM is naturally upset.

I would come down hard on her. That poor little boy must be terrified of going to school. His mum must be feeling so upset. She told boys to “annoy” him. Bully him then. Very concerning.

I hate to disabuse you but boys can bully as much as girls. The unpleasantness I referred to in my post above was purely boys, nothing to do with girls.

But maybe the teachers thought the same as you as they thought one of the culprits was a golden boy who could do no wrong.

Generally I would say that it's for the school to manage, not for parents to start messaging each other. But when my son was at school my DH spoke to one of the mums about some unpleasantness that was going on at school and it stopped. So it's worth approaching a parent politely - but in person, not via text.

I dont think the message was inappropriate. That mum and the boy thought they were friends. Really she should have addressed it with the teacher but you clearly have a relationship so she addressed it with you directly.

I think its an excellent opportunity to address peer pressure with her. Sometimes it feels easier to go along with the majority. Its scary to go against the group. But , she absolutely has to when the group is doing the wrong thing. Bullying is wrong. How sad must the boy feel to have everyone hurting him? How upset must he feel that someone who he though was a friend didn't help by telling an adult and actually encouraged the behaviour. My daughter would be made to sit and think on her behaviour and tell me what she thinks she needs to do now. She'd probably make an apology card or picture. Id be very clear. She doesnt have to he friends with anyone she foesnt like or ghat isnt kind to her but I will not tolerate her bullying anyone.

This. I find it very odd that other posters are saying her message to you was inappropriate. Your child did something unkind and there are consequences for that.

What matters is how you deal with this now you know. There may be a few nuances about how you found out but they are not terribly important compared to the fact that the accusation is true.

why would school be best placed to parent OP's child? We have to parent our own kids, and saying school is best placed go deal with my child's behaviour is such a cop out, or do people on this thread just object to hearing from the parent of the bullied child?

Otherwise it all becomes unnecessarily complicated:
Bullied kid's mum talks to school > school contacts OP > OP talks to her child > OP reports back to school > school talks to child > school contacts bullied kid's mum.

No wonder we are losing teachers in droves.