Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

I'd be very apologetic to the mum and ask her to apologise to her son on your daughter's behalf but your daughter will apologise in person tomorrow.
I would also contact the school as this seems to be systematic bullying, which they need to stop.

I’m disappointed to hear all of this and will have a chat with my child to establish all the facts and their view on what has happened. However in future messaging another parent directly isn’t really the way to deal with issues. The school is best placed to deal with this and discuss with relevant parents. I’ll let them know of your message and would suggest you speak to them for further clarification.

Close it down. Honestly it’ll only get worse!

I would probably give her an at home consequence/punishment to.

I would be as empathetic as possible. She has reached out to you for understanding and it is a real pain when your child is being bullied and picked on. Talk to your DD to get her side of the story. Often kids will follow what they see others are doing so she may have been influenced by others. You can reinforce that this is wrong and to be kind.

Edited to say I just read your update - you should absolutely be apologising to the mum and get your DD to apologise to the child. You can't control their every move at school and they will fuck up sometimes but they absolutely need to know the consequences of their behaviour, reinforced by parenting at home.

Personally I would speak to the school tomorrow, and ask for clarity, maybe say to the mum that yes the kids were being mean to him apologise say this isn't like her and you are going to speak to the school about it, kids can be mean of course that doesn't make it right but things like this does happen, I don't think you should get into a back and forth with the other mum.

That’s not a conversation involving you though, there’s nothing at all to suggest your daughter is the only one being spoken to. In fact you know some of the children were spoken to during the school day.

What nasty behaviour from so many children though, that poor boy.

I would be taking my dc to round to his house to apologise in person and to explain themselves. I would make it clear to everyone that if she ever got involved again they can let me know straight away, and that she will be punished.

I would then be removing any games/phone/pc/ipad access for a month, no pocket money or treats and making it clear that I am very disappointed in their behaviour.

The worst bully when I was at school had a mum that finally cottoned on, and did exactly this. That classroom was so much better afterwards.

I would not respond to this mother beyond saying that you’ll speak to your DD. I wouldn’t be getting into a back and forth about it, and I think her contacting you was inappropriate.

If I spoke to my DD and she said what yours has said OP, I’d come down hard on that. I’d also speak to the school and say that I’m aware my child has been involved in bullying, that I’ve spoken to her, ask if anything else has been going on, and make it clear I support anything they might do to deal with the bullying.

I would reply in the terms of your last message - the one where you say your are disappointed in her with an apology .

Then talk to your daughter about not following the crowd . Hard - she is only 7 .

"Very sorry to hear about this. We have had stern words and DD will write to apologise"

Short and sweet

I wouldn’t communicate with the other mum I’d email the school and ask them to phone you tomorrow

Some school mums are like this. My standard reply is ‘thanks for flagging’. And that’s it.

This is the perfect response

Complete Mn hyperbole.

I would reply to the mother being absolutely honest as you have here. I would say; I’m really disappointed that DD was part of this and she has admitted it. I will ask her to apologise to your son tomorrow and it will not be happening again. I apologise for her behaviour. I will be raising it to the school as I know that they were others involved but I will let the School deal with that and I can only apologise for my DD‘s part. sincerely X

She’s obviously very upset, and might not be ‘ handling’ things like a diplomat. The best thing is to be calm and reassuring and tell her you’re sure you can sort it out together.

It's not inappropriate at all. Her child IS being bullied by the OP's daughter, so it's good that she knows and can deal with it.

This. Why should the school have to waste their time handling it when you’re both grown adults and your kid bullied hers? Sort your kid out!

What a completely lack of accountability, no wonder so many kids are awful.

Even if op's child did bully someone?

I wouldn't ignore or allow that at all.

That is all you can do until you speak to your dd, then probably speak to the school as well, it might be something or nothing but keeping the other mum onside can stop it growing arms and legs,