Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

I'd find out what happened from my child's pov; tell the other mum what I'd found out; and apologize if my child had a role in it.
I'd also keep in mind my own child might not tell me the truth or the full story. I'd ask the other mum how she wants to proceed.
I'd also likely contact the school with all the info.

You are right to feel ashamed. Your daughter is a bully.

Who else would be responsible for changing behaviours? That really is abdicating responsibility as a parent

Yes but the other children being dealt with should have no bearing on you disciplining your child. Appalling that the school didn't tell you. I'd want to know if my child has behaved in that way. And if the school has form for not telling parents then I absolutely would contact the other parent too had my child been hurt. Either way you can't blame the other parent since her child has been picked on like this and hurt. Primary school can be heartbreaking. Try not to stress too much over it or have major fallouts, it's all swings and roundabouts at this age.

Since they’re young and also good friends I think it’s probably the right thing to do rather than approaching the teacher first and potentially getting your DD into trouble. It’s a chance for you to sort it so school don’t have to know I guess, if your DD is usually well behaved.

I once had a crazy mum start harassing me after my DD fell out with her DS. They weren’t close friends and the woman only had my number following a birthday party RSVP, I’d never met her. I had to speak to the teacher. Some parents are crazy but it’s different when you do know the mum.

I didn’t say they were bullying. My point is that some parents feel the need to take school issues outside the school channels, when the school is in the best position to witness and address the issues, and to talk to the parents of any children necessary.

Your daughter needs to know that you think her behaviour was unacceptable, that she needs to apologise to the boy and that the actions of others are no excuse for her own behaviour. But also to know that you still love her and that everyone messes up at times, the important thing is to learn from it and not do it again.

The correct channel is through the school. I am not at the school to witness any behaviour or see any useful context – and neither is the other parent. If the school speak to me, then I would talk to my child. I wouldn’t act on second hand reports from parents, unless in a unique/exceptional circumstance.

You say you feel sick with the thought of dealing with this sort of thing but imagine how this mother feels when her child is being picked on and attacked by multiple children. She must be heartbroken and that poor kid must feel so sad and lonely.

My child would get the severest bollocking if I even thought for a minute they were involved in that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and show some empathy and maturity. Apologise on behalf of your daughter and say you’ll ensure it doesn’t happen again. Then make it very clear to your dd how disappointed you are, that you don’t like mean girls, and make sure she does not succumb to dumb peer pressure in future. Jeez if this is their behaviour at 7, I dread to think what they’ll be like at 17.

You also need to follow up with the mum in a few days and ask how her son is. Be a friend. And a decent person.

I think it is worse though - it's betrayal. I bet it felt worse to the little boy.

I would get my daughter to write an apology snd perhaps invite the other kid for a play date to build a better relationship

Poor little chap 😥. OP, ring the school's Safeguarding Lead tomorrow. (Yes, its a safeguarding issue. What we called bullying is now called peer on peer abuse. This is what your daughter has done.) The poor mum has probably been trying to get them to take this seriously for ages.

Your examples are not bullying. It's a false equivalence. Did you also miss the part where DD's OP admitted to her involvement.

👏

I would be absolutely mortified if my child was involved in something like that. I’d reply to the mum saying that your daughter has confirmed what happened, she is very upset with herself and you are very disappointed in her.

I’d take my daughter round and get her to apologise. I’d tell the school what had happened and ask for them to keep an eye. I would be nipping this shit in the bud - she’s only 7, but it would end at 7. You don’t make other people feel small and rubbish, and you have enough backbone not only to refuse to join in, but to tell bullies to stop. This is a teachable moment, if we are looking for silver linings. Practice non-confrontational ways of deflecting bullies’ attention, teach about peer pressure… I wouldn’t punish her, beyond the awkwardness of apologising properly. I’d teach the shit out of her ;-)

I think I would reply:

I'm sorry to hear your son is so upset. I think the best approach here would be to contact the school and ask them to look into what happened.

I don’t blame the other mum at all. They might be 7, but he’s her precious baby and some horrible little shits are making him have the most miserable time of it. I think she’s been quite restrained about it. The mums where I live would be far more… forthright.

And he could have been mistaken about her role in it or, more realistically, your DD could be minimising and re-directing blame so she doesn’t get in any more trouble.

The question is, what are you going to do about your daughter’s behaviour?

Like what? Concerned about their child's welfare?

Honestly, some parents are so feckless.

Would you bother to then ask your DC about it? Or is the "thanks for flagging" just being dismissive and avoidant.

Those children are not your children. Your daughter is. You can make a difference to how she approaches this situation. You also have an opportunity to help this bullied child. Why WOULDNT you want to do that?

I'd say 'ive spoken to Sophie and she's aware she's behaved very badly, I'm so sorry your son has suffered this way, is there a way we can attempt to make amends? I assure you I've had strong words with her and given consequences and if this happens again in future please do let me know. However they have been friends previously so if you think a day out or playdate together might help your son let me know and we can try to organize one'

What a weird reaction! So if another parent told you that your child had been involved in bullying their child, you would just ignore it and not even ask your child what happened?

Either you must think that your child is completely incapable of bullying and bad behaviour or you don't actually care if they had bullied another child.

I recently had a message to say a DS had admitted to saying unkind things about my DD, that he was truly sorry and that his lovely parents had spoken to him about behaviours in friendships. Also both 7. They are figuring out social interactions at this age and unkind words and actions are to be expected at times, but parents should absolutely be on it and having conversations and encouraging true apologies after reflection. DD and this little boy are all hunky dory again because his parents tackled it immediately. I would strongly advise you do the same.

Children make mistakes and can be very unkind, even cruel. It doesn't mean they are unkind and cruel - you need to find out if this was a one-off @Finishdinnerliedownsleep or if she's joined in before.

I hope you've also explained to her that what she's done is bullying and that she needs to apologise to her friend.

And speak to the school. Hearing an account of bullying from you will carry more weight, sadly, than from his mother. I would suggest to them they do an assembly on bullying and make a thing of educating the children about it.

He’s likely come home very upset and mentioned your DD was involved. He’s probably particularly hurt by her behaviour if he counted her as a friend. Unfortunately your DD has been led on by the others and joined in with the bullying. It’s not unusual to go along with the crowd to fit in, especially at this age. The fact she’s so upset about it shows she regrets her behaviour.

I would be truthful with the other mother. You have spoken to your DD, she has admitted her part in it and is very sorry. It has already been addressed by the school, but she should follow up with them directly if she has any further concerns.

This.