Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

And OP, I am autistic myself. I did not display 'typical' traits as a child; in fact, most autistic people do not present in the sterotypical way that many people think is representative of all of autism.

I met all of my milestones; in fact, my mother thought I was a genius, because I could read fluently very early (what I now know to he hyperlexia).

Many people, like myself, go through life undiagnosed, and struggle. You keep saying that your older son is 'fine'; you can be autistic and fine! He may well be and just be undiagnosed, or he may not be.

The fact that your child has needs/behavious that are noticeable enough to be flagged now is a POSITIVE thing. If he is autistic, he will be autistic, wether you agree with labelling or not. The only difference would be growing up autistic in a world where his needs aren't being met because he hasn't been diagnosed.

I looked after two children from the same family.
First child came at 10 months old, left at age 4 to go to school, absolutely fine.
Sibling came at 10 months afterwards, as soon as he could walk he was an absolute handful, wouldn’t listen to me, very disruptive, violent behaviour towards the other children, animals and me.
Eventually after I’d tried everything, I had to give notice.
I highly suspect he has ADHD.
So yes, perfectly possible children from the same family to be completely different, and absolutely valid that the nursery should bring it to your attention.

Just because you know children with autism doesn’t mean you know autism-every single person with autism is different. My children are both autistic and couldn’t be more different. You don’t have to accept there may be a difference but open your mind to the possibility. You seem very closed off to the idea. If your child isn’t autistic-great-but at least listen to them and make a list of all the things they’re saying. Give him time-his speech may catch up? My eldest did and he’s bright as a button. He’s still autistic though! My youngest had huge speech issues and even at 11 isn’t where his peers are. Both are absolute joys. I get it’s scary and overwhelming but please just be open minded ❤️

But it isn't lots of kids. Nursery is telling you that everyone else is taking part, your child is the only one who isn't.

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Nursery may not be diagnosing, but they are right to raise concerns if they are seeing communication, attention, and social differences. At age three, it is possible to seek advice through the health visitor, GP, or speech and language team without assuming any final label. Getting an assessment does not mean treating the child differently; it means understanding what support, if any, may help them thrive.

I was in a similar situation with my son. He is my younger child and nursery were the first to raise concerns. He didn't join in with circle time he didn't join in with activities he played by himself and also had speech delay and spoke in phrases rather than conversation two way language. He was diagnosed with ASD before he started school.
With respect the nursery are raising concerns because your child is not developing typically like his peers. Listen to them and try to work with them. At the moment they are giving you advice and their opinion, but if they have concerns they will be evidence based concerns, they have not taken a dislike to your child. Don't take offence, they want to help your child and its their duty to raise any concerns.

My son’s wonderful nursery teacher picked up on him being autistic before I did-he was just turned 3. I went away and researched it and realised my son is clearly autistic. Please don’t take it as a slight. My son is 11 now and he’s absolutely wonderful. Early help and diagnosis is really recommended. My son wouldn’t acknowledge any other child, had no friends at all, had huge speech delay (despite being talked to a lot), on his own agenda.

My nephews nursery also flagged these traits, which you have also listed:

Did not join in circle time
Did not respond to his name
Did not follow structured play activities with other children
Speech and language delay

His parents were in denial too, but they had him assessed just to clear it up. He was diagnosis with autism at 2.5 years old.

I have no idea if your child is autistic but it's certainly possible to pick up on indicators at age 3.

It sounds as if your child has ADHD, hyperfocus, not paying attention to their name unless shouted or a stern tone of voice.

My nephew was 2 when he was diagnosed with autism. I was today years old minus five weeks when I was diagnosed with ADHD, probable ASD as well, diagnosis pending.

Children diagnosed as neurodivergent often have neurodivergent parents. Maybe your determination that your child is not neurodivergent is your own neurodivergence showing.

In any case, take all the support offered, because either the child doesn’t have ASD and you know for certain, or is neurodivergent and will be supported from a very young age.

@LostandFounded That was my son when he was 3- exactly as yours. I wasn't sure he was autistic though because he was so contact seeking and sociable but he was. Nobody can tell you that your son is autistic. But suspicions warrants a referral to make sure.

I’m really curious about why you think the nursery don’t know your child at all.

You both agree on his personality just differ on the reasons yourself, it’s just their personality and nursery it’s ND behaviour.

What I’m more interested in is why you think they don’t like your child and are using autism. What a bizzare thing to say. If your child is autistic why would this benefit this nursery or justify them not like your child.

I received similar hints about my 3rd dc when he was nearly 3. I was very upset and defensive like you but then i educated myself about autism. Turns out he does. To my surprise my two older dc were also both diagnosed in their mid-teens. Both bright and no issies raised prior to about 13 (one was very difficult at home).

@LostandFounded what are you doing about their speech issues?

What would you do if nursery said your DC had hearing issues would you ignore them because you don’t want them labelled, have a potential life long disability?

Or is it just autism you have a problem with?

Re pointing, my son was pointing right on time. In fact, lots of autistic kids point or will bring you over to what they want

Is your older child a girl and youngest a boy by any chance?

What comes across here is that you don't understand autism and why they would flag these things. I have a highly sociable autistic 15yr old, lots of friends all over the place and he is very aware of his two sisters. He however has always been in and out of trouble all of his school life, mostly compliant but also for example hates homework so refuses to do it, get in fights, won't always engage in things. He had also speech therapy at 6yrs and it was made clear he had done well and got over it. At 15yrs we sat the Dr who diagnosed his autism and she explained clearly that a lot of evidence was in his SLT report.
Anyway if you don't want here advice fine, but you could thank and say you will bare it in mind.

I've literally been in your shoes. I'm about a year from where you are now. We started a new nursery at age 2 which had a lot of children, and very overworked nursery staff. The more grumpy one more or less tried to manage us out after 3 months there as my son wouldn't stay sitting for circle time, struggled to sit for the whole of meal time, had a speech delay and really didn't fit. She told me multiple times she had seen many children like him and thought he was autistic. The "sympathetic" chats and the one time she hugged me make my skin crawl, it was the tone of "oh no, poor you, you should go to a special school, he will fit better there". We moved to a different but absolutely normal nursery and it was night and day, and now our son is thriving. He is now the only one who DOES circle time according to his teachers. Using the original worker's suggestion we did get our son evaluated and as he was barely talking at 2.5 they immediately diagnosed him autistic which shocked everyone. They told us to mark yes to any question on the scale we had seen a behaviour of, even if we had only seen it once as it would qualify him for free services and I don't think this is the right thing to tell people in retrospect. He got speech which was great and has come on lightyears, though i'm not sure he wouldn't do that by himself with time. For what is it worth, we had him reassessed a year later at age 3.5 and they have said he is not autistic. My advice, tread carefully, watch your son's development, maybe get a speech therapist, definitely change nursery if you can and see if they raise anything.

Editing to add that I see a prior poster saying "get the assessment, speech services, and give it time" which is essentially what we did. It worked for us in this situation. I'll see what my kid is like in 5 years I guess.

Op this happened to me and I moved my child. Actually I really wish I had listened as early intervention and more support would have made a really big difference to my child. I would ask GP for a referral to developmental paediatrics. It will likely take two years to come through and in the meantime
at least you have them on the waitlist. My child is now a diagnosed teen.

More than Words from the Hansen speech therapy charity available on the Wilmslow Press is really good for this age. Will support children who turn out to be NT as well but will really help with language and skills acquisition for autistic dc.

For me, the traits you’ve mentioned don’t seem hugely typical of a three year old. But I don’t work with children all day. Your nursery workers do.

They aren’t blindly labelling your child, dismissing him as naughty or not worth their attention. They’re trying to help flag some behaviours they don’t usually see in the other kids so you can get the support he might need, if it’s necessary. That’s really good of them.

If it was my daughter, I’d at least get her assessed if the nursery kept hinting at it. Maybe your child is autistic, maybe they’re just a bit delayed but by not at least exploring it…you’d be doing your child a huge disservice. Listen to this thread, even if you don’t listen to the professionals.

I don't know why you wouldn't want to accept the help that's on offer. If he does get diagnosed with autism, then that's great it's been detected early. If they monitor over time and realise it's not then no harm done.
Surely it's better for early detection and support than to get a few years down the line with teachers also wondering and being further back the queue for help.

My autistic 12 year old was incredibly far advanced with speech. Great eye contact, ahead on every since physical milestone e.g. pointing early, waving early etc. But was clearly not quite the same as other kids from an early age. For example at a kids gym class he'd wander off and do his own thing. At parties would sit and watch for ages before joining in.

The gap.between him.and his peers slowly widened and he was diagnosed age 7. He's still great with eye contact and a very advanced vocabulary. Social skills and friendships are very problematic. Struggles hugely with school. All autistic children are different.

My DD began the diagnostic ‘pathway’ at 18 months and was diagnosed age 4. She’s what used to be known as high functioning or ‘mildly autistic’ (though it’s frowned upon to word it as that, but how else can I describe her Autism!?). My point is, it’s not just very autistic (ie. Non verbal) autistic kids who are diagnosed early. I promise you it’s nothing to be ashamed of! Even Elon Musk is autistic, Charles Darwin was believed to be autistic, along with Albert Einstein, Mozart & Sir Isaac Newton! I tell my DD it’s a superpower. You’re reacting to this as though it’s some kind of accusation