Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

I had a similar thought. A lot of my family is ND. The person who obviously struggles the most with every single responsibility of adulthood and has clear executive functioning struggles would probably push back in a big way if the subject was brought up.

Also, the flawed logic that bc her oldest was behind in speech and not ND, so why would her youngest be different? Um, bc they are two different people? And delayed speech is a common feature of autistic kids? It also sounds like she doesn't leave the house with her kids much.

They shouldn't try to diagnose, but to inform you of concerns. They are experts in how a child of that age copes in a social situation without their parent. That is literally what they do all day and they will pick up very quickly that your child's behaviour differs. I think you should take heed, if it's a delay that rectifies itself then no harm done

I have met literally hundreds of children with autism throughout my career. Lots of them are very very different to each other.

So you know a few kids with autism and your child isn’t the same? That means nothing.

You are very much in denial here and the sad fact is, it will impact your child if they need support and don’t get it.

Not only that, there are so many children going on to primary school who need support in place and haven’t got it, this not only impacts the it impacts all the other children in the class and the teachers.

Wake up and educate yourself. They haven’t suggested this out of nowhere. They have good reason.

The behaviour the nursery mentioned sounds a lot like my sibling at that age. They also pointed (Im not sure why you kept mentioning that OP), engaged in play with me and other siblings, was/is incredibly chatty, hit the usual milestones for walking and potty training etc.

That same sibling is married with children, has many friendships, is incredibly successful in a much coveted, very competitive job role. That doesn't change the fact they are autistic.

I really wish the nursery or school had called out the possibility sooner for my sibling. If you have him assessed and you're right then great, but if you have him assessed and it takes you towards a diagnosis thats a step towards support that he could well benefit from.

If they suspect that your child is autistic then the last thing in the world they are thinking is that your child is naughty.

Your child may or may not be autistic. You need keep an open mind and do a bit of reading on the subject. Getting your back up won't do anyone any favours.

Why do you not see how your child interacts with other children except their siblings? Do you not see them at kids groups, gatherings with family and friends, at the park etc? That sounds really socially isolating for all of you. Do you not enjoy socialising?

Your black and white views and refusal to listen to lived experience of others makes me wonder if you have anxiety or autism yourself and perhaps not seeing the issues.

My ex refuses to believe our diagnosed kids are ND... likely because so many of their traits are the same as his own. I'm sure he's undiagnosed autistic. I'm diagnosed ADHD.

Your view of what an autistic person is is far too narrow. I don't have time to post much, but autistic people can be social, front rock bands, have a teaching (or other degree of course) etc etc. I have many examples. There's a young girl in my son's school with autism who is highly social and you likely wouldn't realize she's autistic. My child is autistic too.

I don't see the point of this thread, I have read through 10 pages of responses. It is easy to understand why you are so dismissive of the nursery's observations, because you have been dismissive to all responses here that suggest they could be traits. If you are adamant they are wrong, why not just let them do the assessment anyway so you can be proven wrong?

Yes, because typically they'd be looking around at what's going on and wanting to play with other children. Another child shouting, or even just saying, their name should get a response even if its only 'go away'

@LostandFounded OK, so you dont think your child is showing any cause for concern.

What exactly did you want to achieve by posting, if you are sure there's no issue?

You seem to have very black and white views of what autism should look like, which seems to be making it difficult for you to consider the possibility of your child having it. It’s also making you see nursery’s suggestion as a criticism almost.

It’s important to remember that autism is a spectrum condition that goes from people who are non-communicative, needing 24/7 care to people who are fully independent, leading businesses and countries. What you’re picturing as ‘autism’ will only be one version of it and just because your son doesn’t match up to what you’re imagining doesn’t mean he doesn’t have it.

It can feel like a bit of a gut punch when there’s a possibility that there’s something ‘wrong’ with our children but try not to let those first emotions get in the way of finding out what’s going on. It may be nothing! But why wouldn’t you want to explore the possibility? Engage with nursery, have an assessment, see what’s going on - there is literally nothing to lose.

@LostandFounded I would suggest that you seek counselling for YOU OP. Because you are so determined that your child is neurotypical because you're afraid of what the future might hold if he's autistic. I can tell you one thing ; you probably know many succesful people around you who are autistic but you have no idea (and they might not even know it themselves). It has nothing to do with intelligence- many autistic people have extremely high iq. The sooner you know for sure the sooner your ds can get help to lead a productive and fulfilling life.

I was also absolutely convinced that DD3 could not be ASD because she is just like me. She is, therefore, in my head COMPLETELY NORMAL.

Do you not meet with other families @LostandFounded

Who checked their hearing @LostandFounded

If someone shouted your name, you'd turn to see who it was, wouldn't you?

I've just googled to double check, but it's listed as a skill acquired at 9-12 months.

It isn't typical. At all. I'm really sorry, but I think you need to go to the nursery and say "I don't think I registered how concerned you were because I don't see many other children than my child to compare with. Can you explain everything you're concerned about and why it concerns you?"

3 year olds in nursery typically learn to queue quite quickly and to respond to other children initiating play.

"The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name."

@LostandFounded I'm quoting your OP because I don't think anyone, perhaps, has explained the significance of these things.

First issue: play skills

In typical children, play develops in stages. Solitary play is generally seen in 0-2 year olds - they are doing their thing, and don't care what other people are going. Then they will start watching other children play. After 2 years old, they start to parallel play - they do the same things but not with their peers. Then between 3 and 4 years old they start to do associative play - playing together but not having rules they follow. At 4 years plus, they start cooperative play - everyone follows the rules of the game.

Nursery is telling you that he's playing like an under 2 year old at the age of 3. So depending on which end of 3 he is, he's at least ⅓ delayed, and up to ½ delayed in his play skills.

At the age of 3, a ⅓-½ chronological age delay is big. Unless there is a 'fixable' reason (such as glue ear), the gap tends to widen as children gets older.

Think about it - typically developing children develop typically. So they act like a 3 year old at 3, a 4 year old at 4, and so on. If a child is 50% delayed, then at 3 they are acting like they are 18 months, and a year later they've made 6 months progress, then a year later they have made another 6 months progress.... You end up with an 8 year old with skills of a 4 year old, etc.

For a child to 'catch up' they have to make more progress then a typically developing child in the same time frame. Possible, but not typical.

Second issue: Doesn't listen

Children learn actively and passively. If they 'aren't listening' it's actually an attention issue. They aren't paying attention to events around them. So they aren't picking up on what's happening, who's friends with who, what the teacher said, what other children are doing. They aren't learning.

Third issue: Always on their own agenda

Typical children display joint attention. They want other people to care about what they care about. So if they see a sheep, they want everyone else to be excited about the sheep.

I would just urge you to really think. As I said, the way you describe your DS2 is similar to my DD1. Now she's 20 and she behaves like a very much younger child.

These were the first signs for me around the same age. My son is severely autistic but it still wasn't obvious there was potentially an issue until about 2.5/3 as he seemed fine around adults and his skills slowly deteriorated. The thing that raised the alarm more than anything was some odd repetitive behaviour emerging for the first time at around age 3. At first we just thought potential ADHD/very active and headstrong personality. This is for a child who has very complex autism now.

I don't want to worry you, but my point is that it could just be a higher functioning (for want of a better term) asd your child has where they might need minimal support compared to my child, but even more severe cases are not obvious early on. The gap tends to grow bigger as they develop in some cases. If the nursery have taken the leap to speak to you, they must see something you don't and think it's worth potentially upsetting you because it is fairly obvious to them. Do you see your child with other kids a lot?

I really wish my son's nursery had the balls to raise the alarm with us like yours did as we were in denial a bit ourselves. My son spent a year in mainstream due to the delay.

@LostandFounded I assume if your DC cut their leg you would clean it, put plaster on, if really badly cut consider medical opinion/help.

If your DC is struggling to reach their milestones, communicate with you, their peers, may need interaction with their development why would you not want to help them

How is your DC when you go out with friends, playdates, playgroups etc?

Here's the thing: your DS may be autistic and he may not be autistic. Until he undergoes assessment, no-one can know (not you, not nursery).

Whether he is or not, that will be true for him for the rest of his life, whatever the nursery (or you) say -- and will still be true, even if he is never assessed.

If your DC are ASD it will most likely help them in the long term if they know, you know, their educators know, and their healthcare providers know. (One of my DC doesn't feel pain in the way most people do; doctors and physios etc need to know that.)

Many many people have gone through life as ASD with no diagnosis (because it is totally possible to have a "normal" life for many of us with ASD), and it is a hard road to walk, not least because there are so many things that other people can just "do" which are impossible or very draining for you to do and you end up questioning why you are so crap at life. It can have a detrimental impact on mental health in the long term.

All three of my DC are ASD, and all three had late (teens) diagnoses. Highly likely DH and I are too (also our parents).

Does the late diagnosis mean my kids weren't autistic when they were two? No, of course not. They are autistic at 16 and were autistic at 2 years old. But no-one suggested at the age of two that they may have autism because nothing obvious was presenting. So the fact you do not think your DC is "presenting" doesn't mean that he doesn't have ASD. (It also doesn't mean that he does.)

Autism describes the way your brain works. (It is sometimes not a terribly helpful classification because a lot of differences fall under the autism umbrella; that may change in the future, and not all of us with ASD have all of those traits).

In any event: I see you reacting very very strongly to what nursery have said to you in a negative way.

Ask yourself a different question: if he is autistic (which he may be) would you rather support be put in place for him now / earlier or would you rather choose to ignore the concerns your child's caregivers are mentioning now?

This mentality is prejudice.

It will harm your own child in time.