Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

So it sounds like the aunts end uncles have accepted the diagnosis for their kids but not grandparents and obviously your husband?

@LostandFounded so is your concern more about how your DH and his family will react rather than the actual potential diagnosis

I wanted our eldest to get a diagnosis when he was 5. DH flat out refused because he thought it was a terrible idea and he adored DS and thought he was completely normal, just a bit sensitive, and was very reactive to the idea of labelling him.

I nodded at a lot of what @Lougle said.

By the time the wheels came off (and badly) when DS was 17, DH had moved his thinking (as a result of our experiences and very slowly educating himself) and is now at a place where he sees he himself is likely AuDHD, his dad (my FIL) is very very ASD (and yes, there are cousins littered throughout his side who are ND) and that DS's late and urgent and messy ASD diagnosis has probably saved his life.

(We are also fairly certain that I and my mum are also ASD but currently don't see the need in getting the adults diagnosed.)

I regret those lost 13 years to be honest, as I think DS would have had a much easier ride through childhood if the ASD diagnosis had been put in place then.

I used to help parents of nursery children go through the ehc process. I met so many families where the father refused to accept it. In certain communities, it is not widely accepted or understood and some families would move abroad rather than have the child diagnosed

I remember one little boy whose parents split up and the father's side blamed the mum for working. For his difficulties. She couldn't cope and moved back to Wales and put her son into the local school without giving school any info - apparently that very day the school phoned mum and asked if the previous school had said anything.....

I had dads bewildered that their little boys wanted to play with dolls rather than play cricket. They couldn't handle it. It was very sad. But still the autism doesn't go away.

@LostandFounded which side of the family is autism on? If there is autism in the family why would you be so in denial that there is a possibility that your DS might have it?

The 'risk' of ASD doubles if a cousin has ASD, and is 10x if a sibling has ASD.

But that's exactly why ASD diagnostic services are multi-disciplinary. You didn't dismiss the flag - and to be honest, you're right, they probably shouldn't be mentioning ASD. They should be saying 'we've noticed areas where DS struggles and we think he would benefit from seeing a developmental paediatrician and having a SALT referral/'. However, what the OP is saying is that because her DH doesn't cope well with members of the family that are autistic, she doesn't agree that her DS has any difficulties. She then goes on to describe red flags for additional needs.

I appreciate your perspective, but I see this situation differently based on my own experience. I work with vulnerable children, and I’ve witnessed many cases where nursery staff have been quick to attach a label without the training or qualifications needed to make such a judgement. Observing behaviour is part of their role, but suggesting autism is not.

Just because a child isn’t following their peers doesn’t mean they have autism, and before making such a significant suggestion, staff should be seeking professional advice or guidance rather than relying on assumptions.

My own child was once believed to have autism. In reality, he had a significant speech delay and spoke using the back of his tongue instead of the front. He struggled to join in with typical play because he couldn’t communicate, so he created his own play environment.

He used to take a teacher’s hand to show what he needed, and he was shy and lacked confidence because he wasn’t understood.

He also had ongoing medical issues and anaphylactic allergies.

Instead of recognising that children develop differently and that his challenges were rooted in speech and health issues, he was labelled with autism. It was a premature and lazy conclusion. What he actually needed was intensive speech and language therapy, not a diagnosis based on surface-level observations

Is your dh possibly neurodiverse himself?

Unfortunately, autism is one of those things that isn't fixed. The 'severity' of autism changes throughout life, and early support allows for more successful outcomes. Your DS will be who he is regardless of whether you get a diagnosis of ASD on his file. But I can guarantee that he will fare better in life if his needs are recognised and he is given support at an early stage.

I'll give you 3 examples:

DD1 is now 20. Her ASD wasn't diagnosed until 15, although she was in special school from age 4. Because her ASD wasn't recognised, she didn't have ASD specific support. Some of her provision was actively harmful because her autistic overwhelm was seen as 'behaviour'. When she was in primary school, she was identified as one of the students that would be likely to go to the 'independent living hub' once she was 16 - they thought she had to potential to live a semi-independent life, have a job, etc. Because she was treated so badly, she developed an eating disorder at 14 (took until 15 for them to accept it and hospitalise her because of lockdown), now has severe mental health difficulties, and is very likely to need 24/7 support for the rest of her life.

DD2 is now 18. She showed signs of ASD at a very early age, but I was told she was anxious, copying her sister, etc. She was 11 when diagnosed with ASD. No support given in secondary until she fell apart in year 9. By year 10 she was out of school completely. Year 11 she started a special school and was put back to year 10. 2/3 of the way through that year, the special school hadn't listened when I told them that certain things they were doing were causing issues. She was out of school completely again by the March. She had a year on EOTAS, then another specialist school who have worked incredibly hard with her. She's now going to try college, 3 years behind where she should be, but will need extensive support in adulthood.

DD3 is now 17. She was very academic and masked very well. Sensory issues and OCD traits from early childhood, but not picked up or acknowledged at school. Fell apart in year 9. Diagnosed with OCD, ASD, ADHD. Then events happened that gave her PTSD. Now in a special school, 2 years behind.

This is why people are being so abrupt. You have a wonderful little boy who is just starting out in life. You are being told he is showing signs that he will struggle. You have the chance to get him the help he needs to be able to make the most of his skills and build strengths, overcoming weaknesses.

Please, please, don't throw that away.

There is no downside to exploring the possibility of autism. There are many downsides for your DC of not doing so if they are ND

Autism is highly genetic. If there are several autistic children in the family already this hugely increases the likelihood of your children being autistic.

Which side of the family is the autism on? Or both? ND tend to attract each other 🤣

You have a husband and family problem then.

Are they blood relatives of your child?

So it is better to ignore any signs because he can't cope? Kid is still going to be autistic if he is and it will be worse if ignored.

Same. We had to commission our own reports and apply ourselves- the LA was fine but the school didn't help at all. In fact, they tried to stop us - the lady at the LA said to me " why didn't they tell us this" when I went for meditation. "Leave it with me" she said and we got the plan AND a place at a private sen school with funded transport, salt and OT. The head was furious: "there are much more deserving children in this school" she told me. Basically had no clue about autism in girls. Her year 6 teacher told me he didnt think she was autistic, despite me giving him the CAMHS letter of diagnosis.

So, OP, this is how bad it can be to get even seasoned professionals to understand. You may find that the next setting is not as switched on. There may well be other kids with needs and if they are acting out and your child is quiet, they WILL prioritise the other children. This is the time to get some professional opinions at least.

I think it would be a good idea to get him checked out OP. It won't do any harm either way.

I think childcare professionals are telling you there's something unusual in your dc's social interactions. That doesn't mean they are autistic, but I think they are doing the right thing flagging their observations.

The fact is that most nursery children will follow adult instructions, and will be motivated to talk and share their experiences with peers and staff.

It's entirely up to you if you don't think there are concerns, or if you'd prefer to watch and wait, but I don't see how this is badly intended.

Sorry if I was overly harsh op, it's just that you could set up a referral with less time spent than everyone is spending on this thread. If he's not nd, then it's no harm done.

I work with a child in secondary school who has autistic traits. He is moving into year 8 with no diagnosis, no support and is already starting to struggle. His primary school had started the process of getting him assessed but for some reason his mother cancelled the process with the idea that he’d get a ‘fresh start’ at secondary school. So now this poor child will be struggling like a square peg in a round hole, won’t get any additional support for a couple of years and may have something in place by year 10 when all of the things we could do to help will be too little too late. We’re doing our best for him but he doesn’t get all the accommodations he could if he had his diagnosis and a support plan. Testing a child may or may not lead to a diagnosis, but educational psychologists can help even if your child only has a few traits.

Yes, even then. Especially then, because another child following you and shouting should be really annoying!
I have an autistic 19yr old. He would tell you it hasn't been a disability for him. We knew at 3, but had to fight another 7 years to get a diagnosis. He's at uni, just completed first year.
Your posts are rude and offensive. Autistic people are not all the same. My son could point too, bloody ridiculous to suggest that means he's not autistic 🙄