Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

On occasion but not regularly

You are confusing me now in addition to making me feel very sad for your little boy...
Are you saying that you won't pursue any help for him because your (D)H couldn't accept a diagnosis?
It your job as a parent to support and nurture your child

What can’t he stand? Their behaviour or the fact he is uneducated about autism and doesn’t understand it. It sounds like you are doing your child a disservice just because his dad is naive.

i have met some wonderful children who have had an autism diagnosis, at first you wouldn’t even think they have any “issues” regarding it and it’s not until they are in your company more and more that you can see their little quirks.

Surely a poster boy would be accepting of differences

Because they have experience of working with 100's of children of this age and they are telling you that the behaviours they are seeing are not particularly common, hence then mentioning it. If loads of three year olds acted just like your child, they wouldn't be mentioning it to you. That's not to say that your child is autistic/not, but it sounds like they are behaving differently to the vast majority of children that the nursery have experience of.

@LostandFounded I think it's good that it's been picked up. It may not even be anything - but being aware of possibilities is a very good thing. It helps make better decisions and find the help your son might need. My daughter didn't get diagnosed till much much later, it would have helped to have this insight earlier. And also having a diagnosis doesn't have to be a negative thing. My daughter got straight A's in her A'levels and a first in her degree.

In what way is he the poster boy for neurotypical?

Don't forget he's probably sociable too.

Probably because he can walk and point, things she seems to think autistic people can’t do

Your description of how he is with nieces and nephews doesn't really fit with this.

What makes you think hes a NT poster boy?

What about you?

Honestly, it’s incredibly likely then isn’t it.
Get your child assessed so that they can access support if needed.
If they don’t need it then great. It’s really not worth the mental health risks that can come with unsupported autism, especially as they reach teenage years.

I mean I think he sounds more ND than you are thinking he is. I don't think it's uncommon for ND people to find other ND people overwhelming at all. I'm not saying he is, just that is not proof at all.

You’re not qualified to make that evaluation, OP.

Look, I have no idea if your DS is autistic. I have significant experience of autism as a parent and in my job. The traits observed by nursery alone would probably warrant a ‘watchful waiting’ approach. You’ve since told us that there is a history of autism on both sides of the family.

You also have a DH displaying rigid and inflexible thinking on the subject of neurodiversity. This is purely anecdotal but I have noticed a strong correlation between parents who react extremely negatively to any suggestion that their child might benefit from assessment, and undiagnosed neurodiversity in the parent. It seems to tap into something that the adult knowns about themself but has buried very deeply.

Given all this, I think you would be doing your son a disservice if you blocked attempts to help him with assessment or support. I wish you the best of luck.

Your posts make me sad OP. You are talking about a little boy who can't follow instructions, has a speech delay and from what you have said he doesn't play with other children at nursery. All of these could be signs that your child has autism. He 'could' be a little boy with a life long disability and issues, just like my little boy was at aged 3.
Autism is a disability, its not a term used to 'label' (hate that phrase) naughty children or children we don't like, it's a lifelong disability associated with difficulties with social interaction, communication, attention span, and focus. Whether your husband accepts it or not doesn't change the outcome if your son does have autism.
My son has a diagnosis of high functioning autism and is now 18. He is very obviously different to anyone that meets him, his autism is quite disabling for him and has caused significant issues for him and I expect it always will do. It breaks my heart every day. My job as mum is to love and accept him for who he is, to fill him with love so that he has enough love in him to keep him going when I am no longer here to look after him. Life is hard enough for him. For your difficulties and disability not to be accepted is downright cruel. Life will be hard enough for many people with autism sadly, they need love and acceptance for who they are. Your husband has a serious problem if he doesn't want to help his child. It will only end in more problems if he isn't accepted. Would he have the same attitude if your child had a genetic disability or physical disability? Or is it just neurodiversity that is unacceptable. You both need to be on board and help your son now.

@LostandFounded is it possible DH is ND?

But your child's behaviour will be the same with or without a diagnosis. With a diagnosis he will get the right kind of support, without it he is in danger of just being labelled naughty - not by nursery but possibly by other people.

I forgot to add that my brother is a very normal young man - socialises, works, engages in conversations, goes out all the normal stuff! literally can’t tell that my mum ever worried about him all them years ago!

Putting together all your messages... it sounds like you are scared of your oh's reaction. If he cant cope with your autistic relatives how would he cope with an autistic child?

But your child won't change just because oh won't accept their needs.

Autism traits become quite apparently at around 18m-2y so it absolutely can be spotted at 3. Especially in those who have significant delays and traits.

They haven’t said he’s autisitic they are just making you aware of the behaviour he displays? It’s up to you wether a referral goes ahead or not…

I voted YANBU, surprised to see so many votes saying you are.

Firstly I am sorry you’re going through this difficult time with the nursery. To offer some solace my brother was in a similar situation when he was younger, liked doing his own thing, wouldn’t engage in group activities, didn’t talk much etc. (this is going back almost 20 years ago). He was absolutely fine & has now just finished an apprenticeship earning more than 99% of people his age and is incredibly gifted.

I think some children ultimately enjoy doing their own thing. It’s not always autism. People are very quick to show the autism card.

I am sure your son will be absolutely fine you know him best x