Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

If your child is autistic then they are autistic. Whether you get the diagnosis or not does not change the fact that an autistic person has autism.

Your husband will have to "cope".

Those were the major ones that prompted the assessment.

My dh has now caught up and accepts the situation as it is and even went on a course to learn how to parent autistic dc which I would never have thought he would do. But that has taken a lot of time.

Op it is really common in my experiences for the DH to be behind on acceptance. In the end I and most other mums I know decided we had to do what was right for our dc. You need to do in your gut what you think is right for your dc.

If you do not want to act on that then you say thank you to the nursery for telling you, but you would prefer they do not mention it again. and if she does this the nursery should make a note of the offer of support which was turned down to protect themselves. I have known parents in school repeatedly turning down suggestions of assessments for children clearly needing help until Year 2 or 3 when the child's needs are obvious to everyone and they start blaming the school for doing nothing.

Op, I am sorry but this is a really painful read.

It honestly comes across as though you think nursery are personally targeting you, making things up to be awkward and generally attacking you.

This is not true, they are trying to help, they are trying to provide their opinion. They are very unlikely to be properly trained to spot autism but they will have experience of having cared for hundreds of children and are using that knowledge to give you their opinion.

They are not saying he 100% has autism, they are saying that in their opinion he is displaying traits that fit with it. If you want to act on that then rather than trying to do tests at home you need to look at getting professional medical diagnosis. If you do not want to act on that then you say thank you to the nursery for telling you, but you would prefer they do not mention it again.

@LostandFounded I don’t suppose they’ll put up much of a fight if you do leave (I doubt you will)

They have raised this with you out of professionalism and care. You seem to think they have done it to embarrass and spite you.

Yes exactly @Lougle. And thank you (and to others) for sharing your valuable lived experience on the issue; these are the stories that make MN such a great resource.

Yes

and no you’re not alone as the vast majority are of the view this OP has a very odd stance

No sorry, from the OP.

From posts suggesting they knew very little about ASC (as they thought those with it could neither walk nor talk) to posts saying several family members were ND. Just felt a bit odd.

I think 'the big switch' @clary is referring to is the switch from the ignorance of what constitutes an ASD red flag, implying that the poster has no idea that certain traits point to being ND, to saying that they have many ND family members, which would mean that the OP should recognise the traits.

Either way, I hope this young boy has people looking out for him.

This “big switch” from posters?

@Thatsquark indeed. I have read the thread – at first with surprise at the OP’s resistance to the many posters making the same very valid point. Then I started to wonder about the big switch around. I agree the whole situation as described is very concerning, with a small child at the heart of it, who is clearly at risk of not being supported going forward, which makes me very sad.

If you read the threads the consensus very much is that the OP’s stance is very odd, and concerning.

Does anyone else find this thread, or specifically the OP’s posts, rather odd? It starts with strong denial that her DC is ND, despite many posters sharing their stories and flagging the nursery’s concerns as valid. OPs repeated posts say basically “but they show these behaviours, which do not indicate ND?” This suggests a lack of experience and knowledge around ND (I agree btw that the DC’s behaviour is certainly a concern – for ref, two of my DC are ND) – no one who thinks that being toilet trained and being able to walk show that a child is not ND has much experience of it, surely.

Then all at once we switch to “Many members of my family [presumably the OP’s siblings’ DC? Or her DH’s siblings’ DC?] are ND. My DH who is a poster boy for NT [whatever that means] cannot cope with them and won’t be able to take it if his own DC is ND” – which seems to me to be a totally different issue (a very serious one) and somewhat at odds with “I have no idea what ND behaviour is and don’t know any ND DC”.

Anyway. Maybe your DC is not ND @LostandFounded. Maybe they are. Maybe your other DC is. Maybe you are. Maybe actually your DH is. ND runs in families so some of those are likely. It’s very far from the end of the world honestly. My DD is ND. This means various things to her (she has a very specific pattern of what she will eat, for example, which has developed as she herself has become more independent) that she needs or we need to manage. She masked at school and was a teen before we realised.

The things you say about your DC (especially, for me, the fact that they only respond to their name when you shout it – when yes, they would respond to you shouting pretty much anything, we all do) are flags for possible ND. So many people have told you this and you keep saying “but is this a flag for ASC?” YES!

You have a dh problem.

Or they can have ADHD and absolutely beautiful hyperactive. And you just need to get on with it

This

my son has adhd and is not and has never been hyperactive

You can have ADHD and not being like this too.

You say your elder son isn't energetic but your possibly autistic nephews are, to the point where they are described as having "behaviour problems".

My dad's family is full of people on the autistic spectrum. He and my bother, his dad, me, my three cousins, his sister all have a lot of asd traits but no one was ever assessed - but in the generations below, most of them are neuro divergent.

And none of us has acting out asd. In fact, we are all quiet. Some, like my nephews have a very "flat" presentation. Shy and quiet, talk in a monotone.

This too can well be autism. The problem is it may not be picked up and dealt with as the child isn't causing anyone any problems- in fact, quite the opposite as they are quiet at school and well behaved at home.

Some people are so good at masking their autism through the use of strategies like keeping their heads down.

I'm not diagnosing any of the males in your family, but if you think being quiet and no trouble is normal, it could be that you are living in a house with people on the spectrum.

You're aware that a lack of flexibility around issues like this make it more likely he's neurodiverse?

Fuck me your husband is a right cunt then, isn’t he?

Some children can have both autism and ADHD of course.

I work as a teacher - I agree that if nursery are saying that there is something different in his behaviour then it is worth getting assessed by an educational psychologist to see if they can suggest helpful strategies! I also cannot tell you how many times I have successfully picked up on ASD in a child that the parent had not noticed - we see so many kids of the same age every day that it becomes very clear when a child is behaving in a way that is not neurotypical. FWIW, I have a pretty extensive background in ASD and the signs that nursery refer to would also flag concerns for me - I know you say that your child responds when you shout or raise your voice, but in this scenario he’s not actually reacting to his name, just to the fact that you’re shouting! Similarly, I would expect children of that age to turn around if someone said their name behind him.

it sounds like you and your partner have some very negative and quite frankly inaccurate views of autism. I would caution you to think very carefully about how you handle this. I once had a student who tried to seriously harm themselves because they felt different from their peers and “just didn’t know why” so they thought there was something intrinsically bad or wrong with them. Out of this conversation, I referred them for an ASD assessment and they were diagnosed - after that their mental health improved hugely as they were able to understand that their brain just worked slightly differently and everyone else around them could put support in place.

Nursery saying they suspect ASD is not an attack on your child or your parenting, it’s an expression of concern and them feeling that more information and support is needed for your child because they care about them. Given there are language concerns anyway, I can’t think of any reason why you would be against having an assessment done

ADHD and autism is not the same thing! At all. Many autistic people are very calm focussing on their special interests. They are not hyperactive 🤷‍♀️