This is about my ILs. Don't know AIBU is the right place to post this question - if it is wrong please let me know... maybe it can be moved? From what I have read AIBU gets a lot of traffic and many different topics are allowed?
Summary: I feel like my ILs use my DH's niece as a way to manipulate me into doing things they want and I want to know if you think this is normal/I'm being unreasonable to resist.
Long version:
There is a lot of friction between me and my in-laws. In particular my SIL and with MIL. I will try to give you as much information as I can in this OP so I'm sorry for the length of this post!
Me and my DH got married in April this year and have been together for 17 years. We met during freshers in our first year of uni. At the time, and probably right up until the wedding, my MIL was convinced our relationship wouldn't last. She didn't say this outright but there were many tells - I haven't included them in this post because it's a bit besides the point.
In our first year of uni when we started dating my SIL was going through a nasty breakup with her fiancee and maybe that influenced MILs attitude to me (this is what DH thinks) I don't know what to make of that personally... What I do know is that since day 1 MIL has treated me in basically a belittling way. Pity almost. But this is through a mask of friendliness... if friendliness had thorns... anyway, I should mention that I am not from the UK and that is visible from the outside, if I put it that way. In the 80s MIL might have described me as "exotic". Sometimes MIL makes up facts about my background when she talks about me to her friends. Again, I don't know if this influences it at all. I would never describe MIL as racist but I think her world view has a bit of "colonial superiority/pride" to it, if that makes sense. She often comments on people's ethnic background and will interrogate waiters and shopkeepers about where they are from and then tell them about when she visited their country or if she hasn't she will tell them she has visited a country nearby, that sort of thing. It's often visible that it makes them uncomfortable...
Although SIL had a lot of problems growing up she comes across as the favourite child. I don't know if thats linked or a common thing. Some of the issues in her life continued and in the end she conceived through sperm donation since she was running out of time/options. Since there is no dad, their family often need to coordinate supportive childcare, and sometimes ask us for help. When DH and I sold our last house, MIL tried to convince us to buy a house near SIL so that I could provide childcare for her daughter. I had been let go from my job due to restructuring (and was quite depressed) and MIL thought it meant I had a lot of free time on my hands. MIL never really asked me if this is something I wanted to do, instead she took for granted that I was a resource she/they could use. In the end this didn't happen but I'm adding this for context.
At the wedding SIL was very cold to me and I can't actually remember her speaking to me except twice. Once to ask repeatedly about dinner and dinner times because "she was hungry" (even though I had provided them with this information beforehand) and another time to say something which was upsetting (would rather not go into it). She was told off by someone overhearing.
During the dinner she didn't come up to us to congratulate us, even though many other people did. I'm glad she didn't because I didn't want to chat to her either, but it's worth mentioning that she didn't make the effort. At the same time, I don't know whether it is common to do that in the UK (it is not where I am from) so I don't want to be unfair to her about this. MIL did come up to us during the meal and so did some of our friends, so I was getting mixed signals in terms of what was to be expected from guests/family during the meal.
SIL seemed quite grumpy throughout. I started getting a sense that she was sending over her daughter to ask questions about the food in a very impatient way and very loudly, constantly, and mid-meal. Questions like: When is the food coming? What food will I get next? What is the dessert? When will I get the dessert? Why isn't the dessert here? Her daughter would run between our table and theirs, back and forth, with SIL watching, so it is hard to imagine any other scenario than that the poor girl was being told "go ask them when the dessert will be here" "ask them if it is ice cream" instead of being told to for example be patient or for the adults to explain to the girl what food was coming up next. The girl also came up holding part of her food in her hand and gave it to us. Lots of saliva on it. SIL was watching this unfold. I'm guessing this was the food she didn't like and didn't want to eat. So instead of SIL eating or disposing of it, she told her go give it to us (me and DH).
This meant that I was faced with a choice of either eating her food or be rude by not accepting this "gift" from a child.
Later when all the dancing was happening, I was chatting to friends outside the dance floor. Their family were dancing inside and it felt like they were sending her over to us to scream at me, loudly: "COME DANCE WITH THE FAMILY!!!". This happened about 4 times in a row, each time the same sentence. Again, this felt like one or more adults using a child to deliver a message and I felt very uncomfortable with it. I had to say no to her each time because the whole thing seemed engineered by an adult and honestly I was having a nice conversation and wanted to continue having it.
I also thought it was a very strange thing for a 3-4 year old to say. Not the dancing part but the "with the family" part. In my experience, children of that age are more interested in "come dance with ME" or "come play with ME" but I'm not an expert... we've got a dog and ages in dog years and doesn't speak English, so what do I know?!
I thought MUMSnet would be able to help me work out whether this is expected behaviour from a child this age or if I am right to suspect they used the child to send messages. I obviously feel quite bad because the outcome has been that this poor girl has been told no over and over again and I don't want to upset her. But I also don't want to be manipulated by the grown ups.
Am I being too harsh/unreasonable?