AIBU to stay part-time and cut costs instead of working full-time

I thought you were going to say the children were secondary school age! Some mums get back to full time while the children are small and more power to them but some stick with part time because it’s what works for the family. I think you need to have a frank conversation with husband and figure out a path together, him pressuring you is not helpful.

you have to remember that peoples opinions can change over time

perhaps his idea of “as long as possible “ was made under an implicit assumption that it wouldn’t be that long , or perhaps the pressures of being the primary financial provider turned out to be more stressful than he thought

you need to talk and you need to make sure it’s about both of your needs and thoughts

Op just to get a better idea of how your house works

who does all the house admin,ie insurances utilities,renewals and general financial
running and keeping an eye on accounts?

is your husbands point that things are getting more expensive so not as much is being saved?

do you have a big mortgage commitment?

if you were full time have you worked out what the extras will cost?

is your garden really just putting a mower over the grass once a week?or is it more than that?

do you have a large house that a cleaner takes 6 hours per week to clean?or does she do other stuff aswell like ironing and tidying?

If she does is that because you struggle to do those tasks yourself?

sorry for the questions but I think you will get a more accurate response if these questions are answered.

She does work.

@PartTimetoGainTime I think people just tend to judge from their perspective. They don't take mh, other kids and household responsabilities in to the equation. I do not work and my children are teenagers although one is autistic so not very independant and very anxious. I have tried to work pt but got burnt out very quickly. If I was to work I would need a normal home life because my eldest is very hard work and my dh knows this and he is relieved to go away a couple of days every week. He does not want me in a psychiatric hospital so I am responsible for home and children and he works. If you were to go ft will your dh step up at home? Ask him this because it's easy for him to tell you to work ft while not acknowlidging everything you do at home...

Seems like a bit of a stretch. OP said the plan was always for her to stay part time as long as she wants. And she's willing to make the necessary changes herself to continue to do so. Seems fair to me.

She also has the children to look after, don’t forget that!

Personally I would say you already work 3 days a week, that’s more than enough hours when you have primary age children. I assume you already have to rely on childcare after school, the extra money earned would get swallowed up in childcare costs and also the sheer rush of it all. It will be a lot to cope with mentally if you are working full time

Is your husband's job secure? Could he be worried about the future and is looking to protect the family from financial shocks?

Except (from the sounds of it) she’s not paying for half of the lifestyle they share, and her husband is fed up with subsidising her.

Her options are to ask him to reduce their lifestyle cost, split up and pay her own way, go back to full time work, or refuse and risk him divorcing her anyway.

If I were the husband, I wouldn’t be keen to subsidise another adult for the rest of our lives because they didn’t fancy working full time. He probably doesn’t either!

Make a list of all the jobs that fall to you as part time worker including metal load and discuss what you going full time would look like and if he would be happy to take on half of those jobs as well as sharing childcare, drop offs and child sickness .
Both parents working full time puts a lot of strain on families (although for a lot of people there’s no choice)
Discuss other options, you could increase to four days as a compromise?
Look at savings made from child care, cleaner , gardener etc and see how much difference working those two extra days would make.

Working full time could tire you too much.
Taking on the gardening will likely help your MH.
I think you should stay part time but take on the gardening too.

See how that goes.
You could always, after another six months, try taking on the cleaning as well.

I would not give up the car as that will eat into your time when you need it. However, you could walk more and leave the car home sometimes when it suits. That would save on fuel.

You really don’t need to cut grass once a week 😂 much better environmental to leave it. And 6 hours a week cleaning is insane. I think you should work FT but you can really cut back on gardener and cleaner time.

So what new daily tasks will dh take on when you’re at work 5 full days a week? Genuine question.

If you would rather walk, garden, clean etc yourself rather than work to pay others to do it, then do. No need to be a slave to capitalism. Make the money you need to pay for your lifestyle and adjust the lifestyle as you prefer.

Just read their ages. They are still pretty young. Easier to manage sickness, holidays etc when 1 of you is PT. I would try and talk him into delaying full time for a few years.

Yeah this.

work out the maths OP if you haven’t already and I bet you can show him it’s barely worth it.

your MH is, as the advert says, priceless.

Can’t believe he’d be happy to sacrifice your wellbeing just to keep paying a cleaner and gardener. Sod that.

Generally I don't think it's fair if 1 of you is PT and the other full time unless PT pays very well and/or you are both happy with the situation. I guess if your MH issues are serious then that could be different. I was PT when kids were primary aged, but went FT when they were at secondary school. I know my husband felt so much better when the pressure wasn't all on him to earn the money. But I don't have MH issues, so if you really think you can't do it, say so.

I’ve got a day off today and the thought of spending the entire of it just cleaning is horrible.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve done some general
chores still but dropping the children off at school then cleaning non stop till pick up. No thank you.

Also the fact that between them they still need 6 hours on top of whatever is their normal clean.

You can’t put a price on health but other people can choose not to subsidise you. Most of us would prefer not to work full time!

If OP got divorced and her husband got 50/50 or more, would she be able to support herself and her children by working three days a week?

Does your DH currently do half of all household and child related tasks? If not, ask him if he's happy to do exactly 50/50 of everything child related? School runs, admin, staying home when they are sick etc.

And is he happy to do half of everything house related? (I'm assuming the cleaner doesn't do everything and there's still laundry to consider, meals to cook, and food shopping to be done).

If he's not happy to pull his weight in the home, you can't be expected to go full time 🤷‍♀️

OP - you can't put a price on mental/physical health.
Life is short do what works for you.x

In the situation described they can both go to four days. That’s fair.

I think I’d rather be at work than spend 6hrs cleaning!

The fact that OP says they’d save double by cancelling the cleaner, gardener and her car makes me think it’s not actually financial, but that the husband feels she doesn’t pull her weight. Once both kids are at school, she would have two empty days with the housework and gardening done. She doesn’t mention PIP or registered disability, just that she’d rather not work full time.

It sounds like the husband has been very supportive but now the children will both be at school, he no longer agrees with her working part time. If he resents that, and is paying the majority of the bills, he may choose to divorce over continuing it.

Yup if op can’t work full time due to fear of burn out she’s going to spend her two days off fully cleaning and gardening. I doubt it. 6 hours of cleaning that’s a full school day.

That leaves one day for gardening / rest, without any stuff she normally does on those two days.