“Too self absorbed to be a mum”

In what way did OP shame people who use injections? She just said she lost weight without them?

Hello. I'm a first time poster. I am due to have surgery on my left foot to remove a fibroma in August. It's quite straightforward surgery (hopefully) but I am dreading the recovery afterwards! It's non weight bearing for 2 weeks afterwards. My partner can hopefully take 10 days off work as holiday. However I do pretty much everything around the house 😬 I keep up to the washing, putting laundry away (never ending job!) loading the dishwasher/emptying, general cleaning and housework. I'm a cleaner for a living so I just do whatever needs doing around the house. Partner normally out 6am-7pm on weekdays. We have three children age 13, 10 years boys and 5 years girl. 10 yo is pretty good if I pay him to do little jobs, 13 yo not so much.! 5 yo tried to help bless her. I am just dreading my house being a tip and all being together and me losing my patience while being helpless and unable to do much. I have just got my mental health back on track after trauma counselling I have had this year due to a breakdown in relationship with my parents. I don't want to sink back in to a bad place and want to recover as quickly as possible. We have a UK break booked for a week on 21st August but I'm unsure if we'll be able to go on that. Any advice would help or if anyone has had this type of surgery even better! Thank you

.5 of a stone. HALF A FUCKING STONE

Oh MIL, I could not possibly have children until they were able to have better grandparents!

It's become more 'cancel the cheque' than the actual 'cancel the cheque' thread ever was 😳

Apols, it wasn't clear.
Why not just say another half a stone to go? 🤔

The biggest lesson of this thread is don’t leave out the zero before the decimal point or the less observant will question the five stone you can’t possibly need to lose @daisybanks!

I can’t tell if you’re joking or not 🤷🏻‍♀️.
As has been pointed out many, many, many times on this thread, the post you have quoted says she needs to lose .5 stone, not 5 stone.

I agree but OP says she's always been a 12/14 and I’ve lost an unbelievable 24 pounds. I feel amazing. No glp 1s. Maybe have another .5 stone to go?

Something about this doesn't ring true.

How can someone be a 12/14 and need to lose another 5 stone ???!

I'd just crack on as if I'd never heard it.

There are bigger hills to die on.
And have kids when you are ready - not to accommodate her schedule.
FWIW I understand the self-confidence of achieving the body you want.
In any case - pregnancy body issues tend to be temporary, if you want them to be. I gained 56 pounds in pregnancy but lost it after a while (admittedly, slowly but only because I couldn't be bothered focusing on it) and now in my late sixties have the dimensions and abs I had as a very athletic teenager. Just a lot wrinklier, but you can't tell that when I'm dressed!

OP shes jealous as f--k. Thats the only reason for a bitter weird comment like she made. I'd address it however you want, especially if she says it again.

I wish more Mother's were 'self absorbed' and took time to look after themselves, whatever that looks like to each individual.
No one needs to sacrifice their entire being to motherhood and there it is a huge positive when a woman is supported to take time to look after herself.
A healthy, happy Mum is the best kind of Mum you can be for your children and it does children the world of good to see Mum as a whole person.

So if you have the kind of MIL who likes to pick and make horrible remarks, this is school bully behaviour. That means that where ever they see a chink in your armour they will go for it. Its their hobby. They are point scoring and They get a kick out of it, particularly if they hit the target and it upsets you. She could just as easily be saying that you don't take enough care of yourself. Self absorbed is a lovely sting though as its also implying that you are not only focusing on yourself but not focusing enough on the really important person in your life ... her son. Which is undermining as it also implies that you are not a good enough wife for him... in her humble opinion. She's had a lot of practice and been around a long time so she's quite good at this game.

So stop telling her things. Dont discuss your diet or exercise programme, then she can't discuss it with you. In fact put her on an information diet. Its a real shame to have to conduct a relationship on this basis but it is entirely her doing and her loss.
If she wants a better relationship with you, she's going to ahve to wake up and work harder at being actually nice. You are better placed to judge if that's possible or not. Maybe being more assertive with her might do the trick, but I do know that the more you let her make these stings unanswered, with no push back from you or from DH, the more she will carry on doing it until it becomes an ingrained habit.

Answer back. Every time. It's hard because these comments can catch you unawares and you are upset because its hit a weak spot and you end up feeling confused -why did she say that? what did she mean? why be so horrible? that you can't think of a ready response and if you do, you worry it might set her off to carry on arguing her point.

It's not about finding the right words to prove she's wrong which can leave you tongue tied because of all the confused feelings it has provoked, its about refusing to engage in this conversation full stop because it is infantile and beneath your -adult- notice.
Then you need some phrases up your sleeve, it can be as simple as - What a horrible thing to say/ there's no need to be nasty about it/ that's neither accurate or nice... etc... and also have one or two zingers for when you need to shut the conversation down entirely...ranging from - Your'e wrong and its not up for discussion to literally walking away in a grey rock way, but not storming. It's not about finding the right words to prove she's wrong or the snappy put down when you are probably tongue tied because of all the confused feelings her remarks have provoked, its about refusing to engage in this conversation full stop because it is infantile and beneath your -adult- notice.

You have recognised that she does this. So once you've started the information diet, have the chat with DH let him know he needs to back you up. And work out some shut down/push back phrases. You don't have to be nasty even if she is. Just calm and factual... Practice makes perfect.

I agree: it's quite different.

There is a lot of weird status around weight atm, and a lot of justifying of loss as a holy grail - I guess because of WLIs.

For disclosure, I am healthy weight, always have been. But I still don't believe that is actually the moral achievement and benefit to my family that some would imply. I do "get" that where weight is a genuine health issue and impacts daily routines in a genuine way (not just feeling a need to choose more flattering outfits over less flattering ones) then some of this reasoning applies.

But moving from a size 12 to a size 8 or looking more toned is not making you a better parent in the substantive way that financial security or ability to take time off work is. There is lots of research to suggest mildly overweight is in fact healthier on some metrics, and in any case you don't get "more healthier" by dropping dress sizes within the healthy weight range or having more defined abs. (In fact, I had some health issues being at the low end of healthy bmi.) I think that sort of reasoning starts to get a bit silly and is too often bandied about as a justification for doing it for other driving reasons.

Fine OP, if you have no dc then why not spend the time and effort on it. But I truly believe that once you are a mother, that same energy is better spent elsewhere.

Don't bring it up with your MIL. The moment has passed and you will come across as petty.

Just be prepared for any further digs. If they come, say very politely that your body and plans for the future aren't anyone else's business and change the subject.

Imagine your mother-in-law being so rude to you and then giving her a hug as a reward! No thanks, women don’t need to be such doormats.

I have been trying for three months, but I’m making very limited progress. I expect it will take a lot more time and effort for a 55 year-old woman to build muscle! I am slim and have been doing weights for three months now and I’m hopeful the results will happen at some point?!

Bloody hell. OP doesn't owe her MIL grandchildren at all, let alone having to justify her reproductive choices to her!

do some people really think a prerequisite to being a mother is to have no care at all for yourself and your appearance?

should I stop going to the gym now and put some weight on and stop caring what I look like in anticipation of trying to conceive, do you think ?

You want to go in to pregnancy as healthy as you can. I had pretty solid abs before I had my last baby at 40 and ' bounced back' quicker than my first two children in my 20's. There's nothing self absorbed about wanting to be the best version of you, you can be! Strength training is one of the most important things you can do as a women, well done for everything you have a achieved so far. xX

I use Mounjaro and have done for over a year. Researched it thoroughly, have suffered some side effects but that and the expense is worth it to me.
Again, in the real world, most people use it because it is an easy, quick, incredibly effective tool to lose weight.
The OP has done incredibly, I wish I had the same grit to do it without the assistance of Mounjaro. But I don't, like thousands upon thousands of other people who use it for the exact same reason I do.
There is no need to lie about why the vast majority of people use GPL1's and there is no shame in choosing the easier option, I do not need to pretend my body is broken.
I will however, continue to celebrate people who manage to lose weight the good old fashioned way.

Not the OP but as several people have asked and I am also jacked with visible abs, I can tell you how to 'tone up'.

strength training. Lift weights. Heavy weights.

I don't think that is really relevant because the jabs do make it easier to lose weight in any case - it's literally what they are for. People who can't lose weight naturally take them to lose weight more easily.

Saying I've managed to lose weight without taking jabs isn't making any judgement of people who are using them.

Probably a good idea to be healthy before pregnancy. Having low enough body fat to have abs is obviously more of an aesthetic thing but overall it’s definitely not a bad idea to be as fit as you can be before conceiving, surely?