partner keeps saying he’s “fine” because he got someone pregnant before + I feel blamed

Given what you've said about him being a good guy etc, just not being nice in this situation, I would be inclined to say he is very anxious and nervous that it is him and is overcompensating out of that anxiety. He may of course just be a jerk about it, but assuming historically he hasn't been, male infertility can be quite emasculating. He could be very worried that it is him, given you do have a child already so clearly you can. And is trying to persuade himself, as much as you, that he has managed to get someone pregnant in the past so must be fine.

He is still in the wrong with what he is doing, but maybe worth a gentle conversation to assure him that you won't think any less of him if the test results show any issues, and help reassure any anxiety he may have. Hopefully he comes round soon, and you get any the help you need to have a child together.

What health issues is he having?

He's not a proven sire.
All they need to test him is a thimbleful of semen, a glass slide, coverslip and microscope. Vets in the back arse of nowhere do this regularly for bulls and rams in between TB testing cattle, calving cows and vaccinating puppies. It's low tech, non invasive, cheap and quick. So he needs to bloody well get on with it.

Possible endo on one ovary isn't a definitive diagnosis that the reason for no pregnancy yet is down to your fertility though. Hence the need for further investigations. And of course there's no point doing that if there is an obvious issue with your partner's sperm quality.

He may be worried and anxious about his fertility, but surely he can also recognise you are too, and that you should both be supporting each other and being kind.

How does he not know that fertility issues exist/why hasnt he bothered to do ANY reading on this.
Whats he going to be like with other issues?
Child has behavioural issues
'Just tell them to stop'
Child has eating issues
'Just tell them to eat'

Do you have to have a baby with THIS man? This is such beginner level partnership and he's falling short, this is the kind of red flag people talk about, can you see that?

Fertility is a difficult issue for men and women. It goes without saying your feelings about his comments are entirely valid. I would say that his feelings, potentially fear, denial and hope for a simple solution might be equally valid as well. Truth is, neither of you really know what the other is thinking and feeling, and without communicating, it is a guess. He might not have articulated this well, or even full understand how it is making him feel... and none of us are as perfect as we hope to be in every situation.

I'm not sure always looking for red flags or expecting perfection helps people build good relations or grow as we all must. Making mistakes is part of life - learning form them is where the growth comes. Talk to him about how you are feeling, how his comments make you feel and hopefully he'll be able to do the same.

Why on earth do you want a chils with him? Do you really think a child deserves this for a father? And what about your own child in all this?

He sounds like a massive twat. I would not want a man like that as a partner, or as the father of my child.

He certainly doesn't understand that sperm are created all the time and that his lifestyle or other issues can affect his sperm quality. What it was like years ago is not relevant to now. Did you point that out to him? And, of course they'd test him, because its non-invasive and easy to do. Isn't that quite obvious?

I think his response is gross on 2 counts: he’s using a time when a woman had to go through an abortion as proof of his manhood (he did not need to bring this up and should have just had the humility to say “I’ll get tested and rule anything out”), and he’s saying you need to get on with it because he’s in some kind of race with his brother 🤢

I take it you’re not even married? How dare he say you need to “hurry up”. I wouldn’t be having a baby with him.

Hes had the snip.

The universe is telling you not to have a baby with this ‘man’.
Think haven’t hard -do you really want to be tied to him for life?

Has he some outdated stance on male pride? If he thinks his swimmers are up to no good he won't be able to cope?

Anyway, without working with you as a couple, I would be worried about having a child with him anyway. You're supposed to work together as a team to sort through problems and there will be loads of problems having a child together - it's really hard work.

Then he’s thick as mince or an imbecile for not communicating this.

No one’s asking him to put an advert in the local press, but an inability to be vulnerable and communicate clearly with your partner who you are trying to have a baby with is a red flag. Even more so when the way you are communicating it is to put down your partner and make them feel bad about it.

I voted YABU because seriously, I don't think he's the right man to get pregnant with-he has potentially damaged his sperm with heavy drinking. Does he feel less of a man because you didn't immediately fall pregnant? How come you get the blame when he already had a child, but shock, horror, so did you! Not too bright...

He sounds like he doesn't actively want a child, to be honest, more like "if it happens without much effort, fine" kinda attitude, which is worrying in itself when you know how much work having a newborn, a baby, and a very young child is, not comparable at all to taking care of an older stepchild as he is currently, so I wouldn't take that as an example of him being a good potential dad and support to you.

If he really wanted to, he would.

@Airyfairy500 you should be able to tell him exactly what you've just said in your last post, that hearing about this supposed pregnancy scare from years ago is upsetting you and he should be able to hear that and understand not to go on about it.

Ideally you both would be looking at this as being a team. There may be an issue somewhere, it doesn't matter which one of you it is, it may be a combination of things. Regardless, you can work together to sort it out, or come to terms with it if that's not possible.

He sounds really unpleasant and I’d think twice about having a child with him especially as you already have a child to care for. I’m guessing he was in his 20s when he got a woman pregnant? And now late 30s or older? His sperm won’t be the same especially after years of abusing his body.

It could just be that he's embarrassed by the tests. I wouldn't argue with him about whether he is fine or not, just say it's just the process, they do it in this order, your bit then my bit. Can we just jump through these hoops please? It's the fastest only way to get it done.

Completely understand why people are telling you to be wary of proceeding, but you know him and we don't.

This is like a man with a bald patch denying it because he's "always had hair".

Try to explain to him the reason they always start by testing the mans sperm is its less invasive as all the tests women need to go through. You both need to be in this together. If it turns out you do need any fertility treatment you need to support each other. Its a stressful time and you need to be a team.

What if that first pregnancy wasn't his? He only has the other woman's words.