partner keeps saying he’s “fine” because he got someone pregnant before + I feel blamed

He sounds really thick. And very unkind.
I wouldn’t have a baby with this guy.

To be fair though, it is a valid point - for all we know it might not have been his, and he might not have known there was another possible candidate. Also if it was ages ago things could have changed anyway.

If you don't want to be mean, could you phrase it along the lines of
'My fertility was fine x numbers of years ago as demonstrated by the existence of my child, but there is a question mark over it now. You think your fertility was fine a few years ago, there could well be a question mark over it now too, so we are equal on that front. Why should it be me more than you?'
The fact his Dad was apparently particularly fertile is neither here or there 'so he must be' is absolute nonsense. If that were true there would be no infertile people, full stop.
Whether you should be having a baby with him at all is another question..........

He’s behaving poorly and clearly on the defensive.

Are you using ovulation tracker sticks? I did and they were epic. I knew nothing about when I ovulated! Use them every day, twice a day- stick them in a book one under the other and over a month of two you will clearly see the best days for conception. When I conceived, I showed my GP my book of sticks and her jaw was on the floor! She has since told me she tells all women who are trying to conceive to do this because - as I found out - you don’t always ovulate when you think you do and the window can be quite small. I ordered the sticks off Amazon in packs of 50 And it removed so much guesswork and gave me more control.
As for your partner.. he seems very ignorant and defensive..

And the reason you’re having a baby with him is…?

I can't get past the comment about his dad having good sperm because how else would he exist 🫣.
I would rather date a thief than someone who is this dim , but that's just me.

What on earth are you doing with him @Airyfairy500? Throw him back.

The OP isn't going to listen. Everyone is saying the same thing which is relevant to me. Good luck to the baby as this is not a forever relationship.

Well, OP, you know him and we don’t, but he doesn’t sound a good guy to me. Either that or he’s none too bright, or both.

Are you willing to carry the load of doing and thinking for you both (plus children) for the foreseeable?

I think you need to worry more about his brain cells than his sperm.
Do you want a dc who may be born with his level of intelligence.

This relationship would be over if that was said to me. As for the hurry up comment, he 100% blames you for not having conceived yet.

You have bigger problems here OP, he IS refusing to get the test, otherwise he wouldn't be talking nonsense and he would have done it by now, it's pointless defending his actions, when his actions are speaking louder than words.

The bigger issue here is that you don't feel you can communicate with him.

He will not be a good dad, listen to what everyone is telling you, aside from him dismissing you completely, being a step parent is no indication of being a parent.. in his mind the responsibility falls to you when it is your child and he will act EXACTLY the same with a shared child.. he even sees fertility as your problem to solve, and you are both completely unable to communicate over a very simple thing, he is not parent material and never will be.

I don't mean this to sound harsh but I firmly believe that some things happen (or don't happen) for a reason, you need to pay attention to the signs and read you own words back to see the pattern here.

The thing I thought was how did you even know it was yours if you wasn’t with the girl.

I don’t think he means harm, but I’m really struggling.

I’ve not pointed out his sperm quality to him. Even though I know what this can all be a thing

I never bring up the fact I conceive easily for my child

I’ve internalised this whole situation as my fault

I don’t say it to him but I don’t feel like he fully understand that having a child isnt as simple as what he thinks it is

He may be a good guy, but surely being a good guy also means educating yourself, as well as getting off your arse and doing what's needed? The fact that he hasn't had his sperm tested indicates he's somewhat lazy, dim and probably a bit misogynistic if he thinks there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with his sperm.

His reasoning is illogical. Of the two of you, you’re the only one who has a child brought to term so you’re the one with the far stronger claim to nothing wrong. All he has is hearsay he once got someone pregnant for a few months. You have evidence your eggs and body carried a baby to full term, he does not have evidence his sperm can produce a pregnancy that lasts more than a few months. As pp pointed out, he can’t even know for certain it was his sperm, whereas as as a mother there is no doubt with you it was your egg and womb.

So that’s the glaringly obvious rebuttal to his point.

But I’m nitpicking. The doctors are telling him the obvious - why should they do invasive checks on you without even checking his sperm. He should be more willing to support you and possibly enabling you to avoid invasive medical procedures by at the very least getting his sperm checked - a non invasive procedure.

He sounds quite dim - you’ve had a child before so you can say exactly the same thing! Things can change for both men and women.

You can’t know if you have endometriosis without key hole surgery. I bet his sperm quality is a mess due to being older and bad lifestyle etc and that’s why you haven’t fallen pregnant. He sounds awful.

Contrary to what other posters are saying, I think a central issue here is that you’re failing to communicate openly with him. You’ve referenced several times the things you haven’t said to him, alongside expressing concern that he doesn’t understand certain things such as your feelings.

Going through infertility, you have to be able to share your thoughts and feelings openly with each other. He appears to be sharing his thoughts but you’re keeping quiet about yours, and then getting upset that he doesn’t understand how you feel. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Having been through this and out the other side, I agree with @youplonkerrodney .

When you are scared, you can act in stupid ways or say stupid things.

My underlying fear going into the testing was I hope it's not my fault or my DH might leave me. He had given me no reason to think that before, during or after - but that was my biggest fear. Maybe your DH is having similar thoughts.

He might be struggling to process this - men aren't known for sharing issues with their mates down the pub on this sort of subject. He probably isn't talking to anyone, so it's building up in his head.

Maybe a weekend away, in a relaxed environment might help you both have a healthy conversation about everything. Reassure each other.

Well I hope you don’t get post natal depression because he sounds like a bit of a thicko to me. How old is he? Sperm quality deteriorates as men get older.

Honestly OP I think you need to step back from this all a bit and point out to yourself how nonsensical he is being. Say "Ridikulus" to the boggert. You've had a child, he thinks he's got someone pregnant. Any argument from him that he somehow had superior fertility to you based on those facts alone is sheer nonsense.

Whatever the issue is it is not the fault of either of you, and it's important to remember that. He is making it about blame and already blaming you, with zero evidence to go on. It's silly and wrong and you are quite right to call him out and tell him how it feels.

He sounds stupid, insecure, dismissive and not supportive. And with health issues. It's not exactly a list of qualities anyone would want in a man they're planning on having a child with. And "don’t think he will be a bad dad" isn't a ringing endorsement from you either.

He sounds pathetic. Ick

Btw you can’t diagnose endometriosis on a scan. So I’d be careful to base assumptions (it must be you. It can’t be him) just on that.

I think any man who reacts like this is an arse.

But having worked with women who were struggling to conceive, it’s a very ‘normal’ attitude. Normal as in the norm, common.
Men seem to have major ha guys aroubd ther fertility. As if not being fertile enough was saying something about them as a man. It goes deep.

It also reflects the fact most fertility treatments are about the women. Even when are the issue (eg in IVF).

It’s shit for the woman. And the least a man can do is to be supportive and do the tests.

He sounds a bits dense if he thinks these things.