partner keeps saying he’s “fine” because he got someone pregnant before + I feel blamed

I think he’s terrified his sperm could be the problem and would prefer that it’s because of your ovary problem and doesn’t want it proven . It’s really sad as you need to support each other and he’s not!

This. You’re in a relationship where you struggle to communicate. You have two or more children already. He has health issues. You’re unmarried with no plans to marry. Nothing here screams, “let’s have a child”.

It is not at all fair to inflict him as a father to a baby. He doesn’t have the maturity. You’re in a relationship where you can’t communicate. Babies are hard hard work. You need to have a healthier base than the two of you have really.

Op, our children were conceived by IVF (age related. I was early 30’s and he was mid 30’s! Took us ages to conceive my husband was like yours - however after repeated rounds of failed IVF they allocated a urologist for him and voila o got pregnant twice! I just waved to say I was tested to death and they couldn’t find fault with me but only did additional tests Because I pushed for it (he pushed back obviously) but here we are with lovely girls. You are welcome husband! I tease him about this daily!!! He needs to do his semen analysis! Clean the pipes regularly. (Every 48 hours) and up his antioxidants vitamin c in our case! Good luck

If you’re going to be parents you need to come together in this not apart. He is scared and using this as a way to prove to himself he is fine. He is also likely feeling insecure and emasculated. Try to sympathise with the man you love not see him as the opposition. You’re going through something hard together.

Bodies change all the time. It could be you, or him, or the combination of you and him together. Or it could be unexplained.

Oh dear I just noticed this! That should be infertility not infidelity!

She told her mates she dodged a bullet

Not a dig at you, but emasculating is such an annoying term, women dont have a similar word to use when their egos are damaged, but men need a special term so we all know to pander to it.

Ultimately OP, hes putting his ego first.

He sounds thick, insensitive and passive. Why do you want him to father your child?

I voted YABU because I don’t know why you’d want to have a baby with someone who doesn’t appear to be good dad material.

He needs to get checked and then you will both know one way or the other. No point in speculating.

You shouldn't assume there is anything wrong with either of you. A lot of infertility is unexplained. It took about 3 years for DS to be conceived and I was a surprise to my mum and dad who had first started ttc 14 years before she became pregnant with me! They decided to let nature take it's course and had long since thought it wouldn't happen.

It sounds like for whatever reason (fear, pressure, limited understanding, whatever) you could move this on more easily by reframing it. He's seeing it as a test he can fail, which feels like pressure. You can reframe it as a hoop he has to jump through to get to the next step. You can say that these first stage tests will probably be fine given you've both been involved in pregnancies before but it's not possible to proceed without checking the box.

I think he's probably worried about letting you down, so if be a little bit gentler than some other posters.

Loads of occupations and activities could impact his sperm quality.
Firefighter, florist, painter, taxi or bus driver, baker, welder, farmer, radiologist.

It doesn’t sound like he’s being much of a team on this one. It could be defensiveness but he does also sound less than supportive. I’d just not speak about it anymore and if he raises it just say “well, let’s just get the test done as it’s the next part of the process” and leave it at that. Dont engage in this “whose fault is it?” Nonsense. I’d also carefully evaluate all of the rest of his behaviours to check you want to go ahead with this. Before you get pregnant is the ideal time to see his red flags and back away.

Sorry - this man is tell you who he is, you're not listening

I would not have children with him if I was you

We’ve been trying for just under a year and did fertility checks at 6 months (we’re over 35).

My DH doesn’t do research but he is engaged; taking fertility vitamins, booked his sperm analysis immediately when it was suggested by the dr, etc. His first analysis showed some quality issues so he made all the required changes to improve it.

I had a miscarriage this month and I don’t know what I’d have done without his support. If your partner is insensitive and defensive about just having his sperm analysed, will he give you the support you need if there’s complications or difficult times along the way?

Sadly it doesnt work that way. We conceived our first dc on the first month. Second dc took 18 months , we had the checks and dh sperm count was wonky , 3 months of supplements and dc2 was conceived. Diet , stress , weight , medication can all affect sperm count , quality etc. Your dp needs to get the sperm test done if he is serious about a baby

He's being ridiculous, people can become infertile at any point so the fact that he wasn't infertile in the past is irrelevant. Male factor infidelity can start because of lifestyle or even some infections can cause it. He doesn't sound like a very nice man, do you really want to have children with him?

Agree its natures way of making you take a step back and reconsider

too dumb and insensitive

Get him checked. We conceived #1 in a few months. Started trying for #2 9 months postpartum, and it just wasn't happening. Down the line I was diagnosed with pcos and my OH had such a bad quality semen the doctor felt it couldn't even fertilise an egg in a dish and we'd need to pay few grand extra for them to manually fertilise the (inject the sperm inside the egg, icsi). We managed to fix it so didn't need IVF in the end. Your OH needs to be committed to the process ie have testing and commit to improving his sperm quality irrespective of the results.

The doctor hasn't found anything obviously wrong with you yet so it could well be mostly him. He sounds a bit daft thinking his dad's performance has any relevance to his sperm quality.

This is exactly what I thought on reading your post.
Don’t do it

A pregnancy is not a 'pregnancy scare'. Your partner is a wazzock.

He sounds thick. Like, REALLY thick.

Dont do it. What if your baby inherits the stoopid?

He sounds ignorant and not really 'father material', if I'm honest. He may want a baby in theory, but that doesn't mean he wants one enough to go to any trouble for it. He doesn't sound mature enough to be a good father (or a good partner).

Very few of the men in the couples I’ve worked with did any research.

Mainly because if you can’t get pg, the next step is IVF and IVF is seen as a woman thing. And yes women are the ones doing it all.
Even when the issue is male fertility factor, they basically just need an ejaculate to do ICSI instead. Whilst the woman still does the whole IVF stuff.

It’s a crap way to look at things btw.
But I haven’t seen many men who felt as ‘involved’