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AIBU?

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AIBU to think the new school WhatsApp mum is overstepping?

310 replies

Susan716 · 30/06/2026 06:40

Really weird incident happened my my daughters new school so I wanted some insight and reassurance it’s not a sign of things to come:

We have a WhatsApp group set up from an event in May where all parents are already in and not much activity apart from “did everyone get their forms in” type questions and “does anyone know what clubs the school does” it’s all very casual and parents with older children already at the school have been helpful.

yesterday we found out the form classes our children are in and we met our form teacher in person. Someone in main chat suggested this is a good time to create sub groups for forms and people started posting for example if you are in 7Xyz then join the group. All very friendly and nice till this mum let’s call her Q started ranting and saying “please everyone be patient, when I get home I will sort out” others just questioned that we’re here in person now so easier to set up but her response got very annoyed and said I said be patient. No one else responded on there so I assumed everyone okay with it. I wasn’t bothered right then and thought let her crack on if she wants to take the lead.

after a few hours she created a new community and then sub communities so the new main one for whole of year 7 and then 6 for the forms. She then asked a rep for each form and gave them admin rights, herself too being an admin in EACH form class! She then made it so the community couldn’t post in the main one but had to go though the class admin each time, so I couldn’t just post in the main one I would have to go through my rep who would then post on my behalf!

she then wanted us all to prove we were who we were saying by taking a picture of the name sticker we were given at the event yesterday which has our name, child’s name and form class. I’ll be honest I binned mine and didn’t keep. I was feeling very uncomfortable with all this especially as she kept shouting people down who questioned what she was saying.

I already know 2 mums there as our kids in same primary school so I messaged them and asked what they felt about it all - they just responded vaguely snd not much bother so I thought okay most people don’t care.

Another mum spoke up who I don’t know and questioned why she’s an admin of every sub tutor group when her child is only in one to which lots of people responded saying yes why plus why we can’t post in the main group for all year 7’s. She didn’t do in the way I’m explaining it was more being really nice to her type questioning like she’s scared of her. Q still got upset and said she said she was just trying to help. But I feel it was all rather crazy and wasting everyone’s time. She’s not in my form group thank God. Is this a sign of things to come? DD is my eldest and we’ve had WhatsApp groups in primary but not to this level of craziness! I should avoid Q at all costs and pray our kids don’t become friends yes?

it all feels really bizarre to me like why do all that when it was actually quite simple to do and she made it a million times more complex. Plus why did everyone just go along with it for so long and start posting pictures of their name tags? It’s like one person who I didn’t meet or know suddenly became our leader and everyone went with it. Only when sub group reps realised how much work it will be for them to get each member plus be the go between did one speak up and then it was just really nicey nicey. I really wanted to post how crazy it was but DH stopped me and said don’t do it.

OP posts:
CanineJesus · 01/07/2026 11:26

My eldest is in Y10. Apart from the parents I already know from primary school, I've only met 4 sets of parents (when they or me collected DCs from places). I only have a phone number of one of the mums because her DC left something in our house and she wanted to collect it.
No other contact is needed, trust me.
Let them work things out.

FirstWorldProblemSolver · 01/07/2026 11:08

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 06:29

I definitely think this is more normal! I was worried reading other replies. I know from friends with older kids they organise lots of trips to the theatre, bowling, cinema. I’m sorry but I’m not going to let my nearly 11 year old (she’s summer born so turning 11 end of August) trek to central London with a group of girls she barely knows on her own WITHOUT parent supervision.

I was just talking to a neighbour yesterday with slightly older kids and she was baffled too as parents have to be involved in driving the kids to the places until they can travel by themselves. 11 is too young to be going into central London by themselves! We live in London so maybe that’s the difference. There’s a difference between mollycoddling an 18/19 year old adult and supervising an 11 year old girl just starting secondary school. I don’t see many 11 year olds by themselves when I go out. Yes teenagers but not 11 year olds!

Edited

im sorry, I know you're looking for validation and I hate to break it to you but you, your neighbour, your friends and the crazy wattsap community organiser mum are definitely not normal. Whether your location of central London changes things I don't know, but it's definitely not the norm anywhere else.

I know you're not in secondary yet, but parental involvement really does drop off a cliff from the outset. You will eventually have to cave in and give your daughter a phone as otherwise she will miss out on A LOT by default. But the kids do also just chat amongst themselves to organise their parties and days out (not always though, hence why soon she'll be begging you for the phone). Trust everyone who is saying this on here, your input won't be needed (apart from to pay for things probably!) and you should be welcoming that quite frankly!

reluctantbrit · 01/07/2026 11:03

You may also find that other parents don’t want to be involved. When DD wanted to meet a friend at the weekend she took the bus or walked. I may gave her a lift if it suited me or collected her if it got a bit late but I wouldn’t check in with the parents if DD could come/meet the friend.

A phone is quite useful, she may need it also for any school app or if she travels independently for bus/train etc.
Just lock it down properly and check it regularly.

no phone childhood sounds great but modern life for a preteen is difficult without one.
i want DD to always be able to reach us when out alone.

Justonemorecoffeeplease · 01/07/2026 09:51

No need for WhatsApp group in secondary school. You just ask your child for the contact of the parent of the child that you want to arrange something with. Your primary isn't that massive - some here have 3 form entry.

You do you but I'm so pleased not to be in any school WhatsApp groups now my children are older. I know of many such groups that have crashed and burned rather spectacularly.

bootle96 · 01/07/2026 09:47

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 08:31

Her current primary is very large. We are a 2 form entry so 60 kids in total maybe even more I’m not sure.

Exactly. Primary year group 60-90 kids. Secondary 250-300 plus kids. What’s app group for that many sounds completely unworkable to me

MageKing · 01/07/2026 09:35

I think the kids can and do organise their own lives a lot more in secondary but yes, in year 7, there's some parental involvement. But you don't need the whatsapp for that. If DS wants to organise a party that requires me checking details with other parents, I would get him to get their phone numbers and I would then engage with them directly. A whole year whatsapp group is totally impractical at our school with 248 children in year 7 so even if we'd had one, that woudln't have helped as I would only have had the children in his form. Or I would drive him to a friend's house and while there, meet the parent and get their number. It' snot that complicated.

I also tend to agree that year 7 they should have phones, but I can actually see how if it's a smaller school and it's normal for the kids not to, that it's not that big a deal. Having said that, in my day, we didn't have phones but we did have landlines and we burned those up every day after school talking and organising things..... so I don't know how children do it today with no mobile and no landline.

Friendsinahighplace · 01/07/2026 09:27

Netcurtainnelly · 01/07/2026 09:01

All these people running her down . Calling her names, controlling, narcissistic etc, its wrong. She must think she's been helpful. You don't know her.
You don't have to go along with it though..

I agree

and interesting that the two mothers the Op knew from primary - have very clearly fobbed off the OP’s attempts to bitch about the woman.

Netcurtainnelly · 01/07/2026 09:01

All these people running her down . Calling her names, controlling, narcissistic etc, its wrong. She must think she's been helpful. You don't know her.
You don't have to go along with it though..

heartsinvisiblefury · 01/07/2026 08:48

Secondary school WhatsApp group!!!! You leave that shit behind on the last day of primary.

ElleJayC · 01/07/2026 08:46

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 08:30

But then the massive WhatsApp groups are useful to find the number of a parent no? In my current primary school no one is crazy and it’s used sensibly, people post for example can parent if xyz DM please.,I’ve had it lots of times and it’s to tell me they found my daughters jumper in their kids bag (it’s named) or mostly to invite her for a play date or a party. If used sparingly I think WhatsApp groups are great, it’s good to have them and use where necessary. Too tired to think if the term but something like it’s best to have and not need than to need and not have?

Personal preference obviously but no, I would not like to be a part of a 200 person WhatsApp group used as a tannoy “can the parent of XY please make contact” x all 3 of my teenage DS! I honestly couldn’t think of anything worse.
If my DS found someone else’s jumper in his bag, he’d give it back to said person when he saw him next.
And as far as parents discussing teachers and school policies on a massive forum - this is an absolute no no for me for so many reasons.
But each to their own and I hope you get your place in the secondary school WhatsApp group sorted soon 🙃

Nowisthetimeforicecream · 01/07/2026 08:45

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 08:30

But then the massive WhatsApp groups are useful to find the number of a parent no? In my current primary school no one is crazy and it’s used sensibly, people post for example can parent if xyz DM please.,I’ve had it lots of times and it’s to tell me they found my daughters jumper in their kids bag (it’s named) or mostly to invite her for a play date or a party. If used sparingly I think WhatsApp groups are great, it’s good to have them and use where necessary. Too tired to think if the term but something like it’s best to have and not need than to need and not have?

If you like the WhatsApp groups then why post complaining about them? Just join and take part. Is this an Alpha Female thing about someone else having set it up?

BlueMum16 · 01/07/2026 08:37

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 08:31

Her current primary is very large. We are a 2 form entry so 60 kids in total maybe even more I’m not sure.

I'm assuming 200-300 in the year at high school as a minimum?
Separate forms
Separate English
Separate maths
Separate science
Separate tech
Separate language
Etc
Which group do you want?

If you get added see what it's like. If you don't you'll manage.
There's a lot of hate too at high school, for trh teachers, for the school, for the other kids, genuinely you don't need it or to be dragged into it.

TeenLifeMum · 01/07/2026 08:36

Dd says “mum Ruby invited me to the cinema on Saturday”
me “cool can you get her mum’s number or give her my number and we’ll sort timings”

dtds are year 10 and I have a WhatsApp with dtd1’s friend’s mums which is really handy and we remind each other stuff. They do liaise with friends now to arrange stuff. Dd1 was in year 7 during lock down so kept primary friends and that was easy.

What I’ve learned from secondary is that there’s a huge mix of values and parenting styles - never assume you’re on the same page. Queen bee mums at secondary really aren’t a thing though.

MyOtherProfile · 01/07/2026 08:35

My two are adults now but in year 7 through to 11 we had a FB group for my youngest's year but not for my eldest's.

I had the phone numbers of their friends parents from primary, and as they made new friends we swapped numbers where necessary. I never did have some of the parents' numbers because the kids did the arranging. I just picked up and dropped off and chatted to the parents then sometimes.

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 08:31

Her current primary is very large. We are a 2 form entry so 60 kids in total maybe even more I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Susan716 · 01/07/2026 08:30

lightreflectingonwater · 01/07/2026 07:34

Well yes, I am constantly liaising with Dd friends parents in WhatsApp. Just not in some massive year group WhatsApp group

But then the massive WhatsApp groups are useful to find the number of a parent no? In my current primary school no one is crazy and it’s used sensibly, people post for example can parent if xyz DM please.,I’ve had it lots of times and it’s to tell me they found my daughters jumper in their kids bag (it’s named) or mostly to invite her for a play date or a party. If used sparingly I think WhatsApp groups are great, it’s good to have them and use where necessary. Too tired to think if the term but something like it’s best to have and not need than to need and not have?

OP posts:
JuliettaCaeser · 01/07/2026 08:29

Yes a small group with their actual friends parents for logistics is very different to a general class wide group. The latter is plain weird. Parenting teens is much more private and nuanced than parenting younger children.

BlueMum16 · 01/07/2026 08:13

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 06:29

I definitely think this is more normal! I was worried reading other replies. I know from friends with older kids they organise lots of trips to the theatre, bowling, cinema. I’m sorry but I’m not going to let my nearly 11 year old (she’s summer born so turning 11 end of August) trek to central London with a group of girls she barely knows on her own WITHOUT parent supervision.

I was just talking to a neighbour yesterday with slightly older kids and she was baffled too as parents have to be involved in driving the kids to the places until they can travel by themselves. 11 is too young to be going into central London by themselves! We live in London so maybe that’s the difference. There’s a difference between mollycoddling an 18/19 year old adult and supervising an 11 year old girl just starting secondary school. I don’t see many 11 year olds by themselves when I go out. Yes teenagers but not 11 year olds!

Edited

You still drive them, drop off and pick up.

My DD just gave her friends my number to pass to their mums. We had a mums WhatsApp for the 4 or 6 girls so we could arrange birthday etc.

It wasn't a whole class one, just her group of friends. We kept it up until Prom in year 11 but used it less and less.

At our school they were in different classes for form and lessons so a class one wouldn't work - which class would you pick?

I can't stress how different high school parenting is to primary school. They make their own friends, they have and sort their own fall outs, they organise their own get togethers.
Any issues you have you go to school.

lightreflectingonwater · 01/07/2026 07:34

Shelby2010 · 30/06/2026 23:53

Sorry but in contrast to other posters, our year 7’s have definitely had parental involvement. So bowling, swimming & laser quest - all of which needed booking and confirmation of numbers.,Also a couple of outings to desert places which had minimal parental input except to foot the bill. All done via WhatsApp.

Well yes, I am constantly liaising with Dd friends parents in WhatsApp. Just not in some massive year group WhatsApp group

ElleJayC · 01/07/2026 07:31

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 06:29

I definitely think this is more normal! I was worried reading other replies. I know from friends with older kids they organise lots of trips to the theatre, bowling, cinema. I’m sorry but I’m not going to let my nearly 11 year old (she’s summer born so turning 11 end of August) trek to central London with a group of girls she barely knows on her own WITHOUT parent supervision.

I was just talking to a neighbour yesterday with slightly older kids and she was baffled too as parents have to be involved in driving the kids to the places until they can travel by themselves. 11 is too young to be going into central London by themselves! We live in London so maybe that’s the difference. There’s a difference between mollycoddling an 18/19 year old adult and supervising an 11 year old girl just starting secondary school. I don’t see many 11 year olds by themselves when I go out. Yes teenagers but not 11 year olds!

Edited

So trips to central London, sleep overs etc, yes you’re allowed to make contact with parents of course you are. I’ve had 11 & 12 year old boys turn up at my house in the past and DS announces we’re having a sleep over so of course I’ve got to check and confirm. But not on a whole class WhatsApp group. That’s what the majority are referring to. Parent contact for your child’s close friends isn’t banned but the days of huge WhatsApp groups, repetitive questions, party invites for the class and chasing RSVPs & lost socks are hopefully almost behind you!

fuggetaboutit · 01/07/2026 07:28

You do not need whatsapp groups for secondary school.

NerrSnerr · 01/07/2026 07:27

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 06:59

I’m really conflicted. As in year 5 we all signed the smartphone free childhood which we agreed to not having smart phones till they are year 9. Lots of research done on this plus I know her 2 friends leaving from primary school have parents are very against phones.

Edited

The difficult is that they grow up so quickly from year 7. Not having a phone means that after school she can’t just text and let you know she is at the park but will be home in 15 mins, or if she has gone to the shop and you realise you need milk you can’t ask.

it’s also useful if we need to be elsewhere after school we can let her know.

I think it was different when we all had landlines but not many people do nowadays.

My daughter has had a phone since year 6 and there has been no drama this end at all so far. I check it regularly and it has restrictions.

NerrSnerr · 01/07/2026 07:23

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 06:29

I definitely think this is more normal! I was worried reading other replies. I know from friends with older kids they organise lots of trips to the theatre, bowling, cinema. I’m sorry but I’m not going to let my nearly 11 year old (she’s summer born so turning 11 end of August) trek to central London with a group of girls she barely knows on her own WITHOUT parent supervision.

I was just talking to a neighbour yesterday with slightly older kids and she was baffled too as parents have to be involved in driving the kids to the places until they can travel by themselves. 11 is too young to be going into central London by themselves! We live in London so maybe that’s the difference. There’s a difference between mollycoddling an 18/19 year old adult and supervising an 11 year old girl just starting secondary school. I don’t see many 11 year olds by themselves when I go out. Yes teenagers but not 11 year olds!

Edited

They have parent supervision for things that need them but the organising is done by the kids. Last week I took my daughter and 2 friends climbing. They need to be supervised by an adult to do
this. She arranged the time, where to meet etc. I had the parents numbers but didn’t need them as the girls messaged when it was time to be picked up.

Friendsinahighplace · 01/07/2026 07:16

Rituelec · 01/07/2026 07:12

My daughter was the only one without a phone in year 6. Also she was the only one not involved in the constant drama. Definitely hold off.

Year 6
primary

I am saying for year 7
Secondary

Friendsinahighplace · 01/07/2026 07:15

Susan716 · 01/07/2026 06:59

I’m really conflicted. As in year 5 we all signed the smartphone free childhood which we agreed to not having smart phones till they are year 9. Lots of research done on this plus I know her 2 friends leaving from primary school have parents are very against phones.

Edited

But… this is secondary school
different school
loads of different parents
and you didn’t sign it in blood I’m guessing