Is this my fault

From reading your updates re missing being wolf whistled, aswell as the ‘you look like each other’ comment, to your preferred hair choice, it appears there are huge generational differences in opinions / banter. What was acceptable in your day is now not acceptable these days. Your DD thinks you’re weird and it irritates her.

My teenage children sometimes joke with me that I’d be cancelled these days. I grew up finding Little Britain hilarious but if I mentioned a joke from it (other than with my same aged husband), I get seriously frowned at.

This generation has different views and we all need to respect that and get onboard with the same views too tbh.

My granny’s moto was ‘if you’ve nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!’. If you were living with this moto too @Difficultadultkids then your wolf whistling comment and you look like each other comment wouldn’t have been said.

Oh btw, I was wondering if you have a gated house and a swimming pool, why only one shower between the three of you?

Yes but after being told initially that a lot of people agreed with the daughter that it wasn't a nice thing to say...the op then didn't accept it. She's now stopped the boyfriend coming over because she wasn't sent any photos.

Just think about that level of control for a minute. Removing the silly usual mother daughter bickering and the child's thoughtless selfishness (although one wonders where that comes from). The mother is demanding photos from her daughter. She says things that upset her daughter and instead of apologising she bans the boyfriend.

The dynamic here is toxic. Im not saying the daughter is blameless she's clearly selfish but surely the parent needs to be the mature one.

Honestly she sounds spoiled, entitled and doesn’t even pay board! I’d encourage her to move out soon and don’t allow the boyfriend to stay over. If you make her too comfortable then she’ll ever move out. Perhaps she’ll change as she moves out and realises the cost of living and running her own place. 💐

MN is like another world sometimes isn't it? I can't imagine why anyone would think it such a terrible thing to say, but I have come to realise that compared to much most of MN I am so laid back that I'm almost horizontal!

Very much this! I have had exactly the same thing said to me before, my 'reaction' was to chuckle and say (words to the effect of) 'Oh yeah I suppose we do a bit'. What I didn't do was act like I'd been accused of incest, throw a strop and demand an apology. But then I also answer my door whenever somebody knocks on it, I don't mind if a few extra siblings turn up to my kids' birthday parties, and somebody once said something slightly risque at work but I didn't go to HR/call my union, so I'm clearly wired up differently from the majority.

Presumably it’s one that can only be opened from the inside. She said it was locked and she’d let the DD know when she’d be back. What’s the point of having a locked gate that can easily be opened from the outside?

I would have gotten out of the car and opened the gate myself. Why didnt you?

My husband and I are both stocky, fair and have large heads. We're also both eldest children. My youngest sister is dark, slim and taller and her husband is dark, slim and taller and the are both youngest children. We're massive stereotypes too in lots of ways. My middle sister didn't start out resembling her husband but over the years they've merged somehow

Right? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

If you want people to send you pictures then say how nice they look or send a heart emoji. They don't want random comments implying they look related.

Based on your updates I would say that you are both a bit insensitive to each other and prickly.

Wow. You sound very unpleasant and emotionally immature. In fact you sound a lot like all the things you’re labelling your daughter.
And no OP, my kids are not babies.
I would never react the way you do with my adult children because we have respect for one another, and I don’t get all my emotional needs met from photos of them (which is very unhealthy and a lot of pressure to put on your daughter).
The way you have responded to criticism here and the unpleasant way you are speaking about your daughter says everything about your motivations, that’s why you’ve been getting a so-called hard time.
If you took a more balanced view and held yourself more accountable for your unpleasant comments to her, you might be able to repair your relationship.
Being petty about her boyfriend not being allowed over any more is just childish. It really depends how important your relationship with your daughter is to you.
You said she was “an angel” until she turned 18 - is that when she started developing a personality and opinions of her own that you didn’t approve of? Or when she went through a terrible time due to her Dad? That would absolutely cause trauma.
There are more ways than one to look at this, and taking a less critical view would be more helpful for you here.

You’ve managed to mix up posts!

Good. One thing though is I’d avoid passive aggressive comments like “if I can’t look at you and bf in a picture then I can’t see you in person for three days can I”. Instead say “I’m not running around after you and a guest this weekend because your behaviour has been appalling and I’m sick of being treated like this by you”. Be direct and it’s more likely to get results.

It’s not a weird thing it’s a well known thing that people are attracted to people who look similar to them. In fact I often wonder whether me and DH are suited as we don’t look anything alike!!

It’s not a weird thing to say and it’s quite common that humans gravitate towards people who look like them or have for example the same type of smile etc,

I have lots of banter with both my daughters, thats how we are and saying something like that to them would not be a issue but you say that you have to 'tread on eggshells' around her, that says shes very sensitive and doesnt appreciate comments like that. Only you know your daughter so its a case of being mindful of what you say to her in the future.

I can see both sides of this. If your daughter has been in a series of abusive relationships, her perspective on things is going to be a little warped. She will also be suffering from some kind of arrested development and behaving more immaturely for her age than you would hope.

For your part, you have had to go through supporting her during these relationships and your nerves are going to be extremely frayed as a result so that smaller things than usual will hurt you.

I think you're right that it's time for a reset. You need to pick a time if to sit down with her and explain that you've been at fault for allowing her to get away with so much for so long and that it's time for the pair of you to show each other some more respect and redraw some boundaries.

Let her know how much you love her and how happy you are that she is now in a healthy relationship and tell her that because you respect her as an adult, you are now planning to move your relationship onto a more adult footing, which means both of you being allowed to assert some boundaries while while behaving maturely and recognising that there is a certain amount of give and take that comes with any group of adults living together.

If she reacts badly to this, gently encourage her to think about moving out. But don't put the blame entirely on her for the fact that you have been somewhat slack with your parenting. On the other hand, recognise the reasons why this has been and don't be too hard on yourself either.

Surely if she's 20 it's time she moved out? It sounds like your relationship has a lot of friction and it's deteriorating. A bit of space is needed so she can mature and you can breathe.

MN is like another world sometimes isn't it? I can't imagine why anyone would think it such a terrible thing to say, but I have come to realise that compared to much most of MN I am so laid back that I'm almost horizontal!

How some of these posters navigate life when they are offended by everything I do not know. It's refreshing to come across a poster who actually has sound advice.

However, OP, your daughter is being ridiculous and needs to grow up.

Completely normal thing to say. I was brought up being told people go for partners who look like them. I always notice this about people. You absolutely did nothing wrong. Sounds like you've had a rough few years and been vulnerable and your dd has taken the upper hand. Time to grow your confidence, build a life for you, and crunch over those egg shells.

Nailed it.

It's a commonplace comment and she is being awful to you for no reason. Well, at least this is not any sort of acceptable reason, maybe she's angry with you for something else, but this is 100% nasty of your daughter.