Is this my fault

Such a lovely turn of phrase you have. I bet you make friends everywhere you go 🤔

I have a son and daughter, similar ages and similar dynamic. It can be exhausting. I too have started to put boundaries down about behaviour. I can’t tread on eggshells around her any more, however tough a time she is having.

It is a shame she will not try counselling. Maybe in the future.

This. 🙄

Op re "She was very badly bullied at school for two years from 11 to 13.. It involved a very large group and continued into our home. Then my husband and I lost our business. He was bankrupt and we separated three years ago. This has all been absolutely awful for all of us (son 23) but I think with the bullying we have just taken feeling bad for her too far."

Has she had an counselling fir the effects of bullying?

You repeated something she wasn’t happy with, then are shocked at her reaction.
Don’t pester her, apologise and hope that she reaches out.

OP it sounds like you have all had a very terrible time of it, especially you and your daughter.

I would really recommend some family counselling because you do sound like it will help. I have had family counselling and it did help.

The passive aggressive comments are so unhelpful.

You sound like you have reached your limit but are tnow trying to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Bullying that came into the home, abusive relationships, business breakdowm, family breakdown, these kind of wounds don't easily heal.

I genuinely wish you luck.

It sounds like she's being dramatic. Is the bf trying to distance her from family and this is the excuse she needs to validate his behaviour? I'd apologise, but tell her that it's not uncommon to think couples look alike, and leave it at that.

I've read all your replies @Difficultadultkids and your DD sounds a lot like my DD.
My DD is 24 and mellowed a lot over the last year.
She has more self awareness and is definitely less reactive and controlling.

When she came home from university she gave me and my DH (her df) a load of requirements because she found it so stressful living back home.
She can't afford to move out yet so we wanted to make it a safe space for her.

We have honoured her requests most of the time even though it has felt difficult at times (not talking to her in the kitchen first thing in the morning, not knocking on her door, not forcing her to say goodbye when she leaves the house are the main ones) and she is much less stressed and therefore more relaxed and friendly.

I forgot to mention she is autistic and this is why we go along with her requests, because we understand the reason behind each one.

It's still no excuse for rudeness and spitefulness, but the more relaxed DD has been able to become, the better she is able to regulate and de-stress herself anyway.

No my dd was fine when she was younger id say it started when she was around about 15 . My dd is 18 almost 19 im so hoping she grows out of this as its exhausting tip-toeing around her to avoid upsetting her all the time. she can also be quite selfish. I see friends with similar age dc's and they are not like this at all and are much more easy going i really wish dd was like that.

All I can do is hope she grows out of it as she becomes more emotionally mature.
I have a younger ds who is only just entering their teens and is currently fine. hoping they don't become like this too.

It's odd you forgot you said it considering how she responded to you, telling you she thought it was a weird thing to say. I don't think I'd forget a comment I made to someone if they reacted that way to it.

Yeah god forbid the DD has to take 2 mins out of her day to open the gate (which she was warned about in advance).

Really, she should take her key with her when she goes out so she can let herself back in without disturbing anyone else.

This!

But on a more serious note, the OP has now exploded and it’s become a big thing which could actually cause a permanent rift between her and her daughter. This is the problem of tip toeing and apologising constantly when one has done nothing really wrong… the pressure cooker will explode out of all proportion

Salutary lesson to just be NORMAL in one’s relationships with one’s kids , with give and take on both sides. Otherwise we’re creating a generation of over entitled and frankly insufferable people.

I agree with PPs that people are often attracted to those whom they resemble… and I believe who resemble their own fathers too. This does not make them incestuous.

So it’s not weird at all to make a passing comment . This generation is so touchy! I really do think they need to get over themselves.

The chance that she "might" grow out of being a bully madam is too big a risk.

You are not doing her any favour by allowing her to think she can treat you badly.

Come down really firmly and hard, and tell her she knows where the door is if it doesn't suit.

But she doesn't get to live in your home and treat you badly anymore.

I have heard of versions of this and it just gets worse.

Girls whom grow into women like this are not nice to be around and most good men will realise it and run.

If one of my sons brought home someone like this and i heard how she treated her mum, I wouldn't be long telling him to watch out.

This is good parenting, sort it out now, once and for all.

I've been dithering about posting, but this is the best response I've seen so far.