Is this my fault

I agree there are too many nasty and vindictive bullies on mumsnet, getting worse these days, like hyenas they descend on threads where OP is already struggling with something and looking for support.

Think it was weird to tell her that, how did you think it would land?

It’s the daughter who’s being weird, in my opinion. Those telling OP to apologise for a harmless comment are bullying her.

On another thread I read today, a woman trying karaoke is deeply offended because her boyfriend advised her to sing loudly so her voice wouldn’t be drowned out by the strong-voiced co-singer.

Do these people go through life looking for things to take offence at?

I have heard people say that about couples before.
From an annoying college or loudmouthed mate maybe just about tolerable. From her mother, it's too weird.

It is not a weird thing to say! I have heard people say that about couples before. Your daughter is massively over reacting.

Some kids with give you as much attitude as you will take.
It really is a bad idea to allow it.
More particularly as some are living at home longer.
My eldest and I clashed because he was selfish, self absorbed and lazy around the house.
We clashed because he tried to give me attitude at times, but i wouldn't accept it.

He moved out post graduation and now lives several hours away.
He comes to visit and is still a bit lazy, considers visiting home a Spa break🙄, but he's a well manned grateful lamb.

Loves my food and is really appreciative of everything I do.
He has definitely grown up a bit.
I have an 18 year old too and she can be a bit moody but there is no way she would behave as OP describes. She knows i wouldn't tolerate it.
How they treat family is how they will eventually treat a partner.

In the first place, there is absolutely nothing wrong with commenting that the couple look alike. Couples often do. People often say dogs look like their owners, too.

Secondly, decrying the fact that OP said this not once, but TWICE is way OTT!

Oh dear!
Fancy forgetting that a comment had irritated your weird daughter.
I think it's likely that NC is around the corner, now. 😱

OP was just being friendly; she didn't know how her DD would take it. I don't think it was an insensitive comment

This nails it. I always absentmindedly say the wrong thing. I don’t mean to offend. I think your daughter is being a little harsh.

Good for you, @Difficultadultkids

i work with young people and their effrontery is breathtaking. I don’t know who some of them they think they are half the time, or who they think they are talking to (their parent, for goodness sake). Yes, yes, I know some delightful and very polite young people, but sadly they seem to be a minority now.

The story you told about how she had a massive go at you because she forgot to pick something up as she left one morning, and how this was naturally all your fault for failing to remind her, is a good example of how dependent young people are. She’s 20! This is the trouble. Young people of that age expect total freedom and independence, but they haven’t learned to, or had to, stand on their own feet.

Well she can be independent this weekend instead of coming over to yours. I’m so glad you made a stand with her.

And fwiw, I’m sure she’ll grow up and come back to you in the fullness of time.

It’s what those three words represent I.e. an unfavourable reaction. Forgetting the words isn’t the problem - forgetting what they meant is.

However, maybe it didn’t register with you because she has unfavourable reactions to lots of things, in which case you can absolutely be forgiven for forgetting, if it was Thing #247 that had set her off that day.

“Check with me before you use the shower.”
Lol, no. Use the shower whenever you want. If she kicks off, well it’s Thing #248 for that day.

Get a lock on your gates that you can open from both sides.

You say she was fine up to the age of 18. She wasn’t fine. She was bullied. Maybe a switch flicked and she decided she would never be bullied again but has gone way too far. Not saying you or your family were bullying her, but maybe this is her way of gaining control over her life. And maybe you two are very similar because you have kept a lid on this for ages and have now blown (understandably so).

Good luck, I hope you find a way through.

And what’s ironic is that all parents now think they are doing a perfect job of bringing their children up so they won’t experience anything negative.

When in reality every generation blames the generation before

Re Social Media, yes, there is a big trend from young people blaming their parents for all of their woes. Expecting parents to pander to their every whim and claiming to suffer trauma over the most mundane things. Its honestly has gotten out of hand. Many of the young people I work with behave appallingly towards others, not just parents, and then expect others to treat them like they are a precious stone. I know I will get flamed for this on here but I can cope and I dont care 🤣 im sick of hearing the words toxic and trauma come out of young people's mouths because they aren't getting what they want, when they want. Like ive said, the level of entitlement is incredible and the excuses for poor behaviour go on and on. There are more instances of child on parent violence than we've ever known. Its really quite scary. Before anyone comes at me about autism and neurodiversity, I am the parent of 3 neuridiverse adults and all 3 are rational, respectful humans holding down professional careers. They have their challenges but they dont use their conditions as an excuse for poor behaviour. Its about time we stopped walking on eggshells around young people and make them accountable for their behaviour.

But it was you that spoiled it.

OP i think you are doing the right thing by setting boundaries. Her behaviour sounds appalling. If any child of mine spoke to me like that it would be the last thing they did. Youve apologised now so its time for her to grow up and accept that sometimes we say things innocently not realising the hurt we cause. This works both ways. Ive worked in mental health for over 40 yrs and I can categorically say that many (not all) young people these days have a level of entitlement never before seen. As well as this they lack resilience and accountability and think the world owes them everything. Part of the problem sadly is liberal parenting but also the social media trend of blame your parents for everything. Shes only 20 so there is time to help her change her behaviour by refusing to tolerate it. This pussyfooting around her needs to stop. Time to establish some boundaries and if she doesnt like it then she can find somewhere else to live. Stand your ground and stop allowing yourself to be treated like this. In the long run you will be doing her a favour.

How do you expect OP to respond to the bitchiness on this thread? I think she’s been quite restrained in the circumstances!

😂Well said, OP.

I think part of the problem is the fact that a few decades ago 20 year olds were considered to be fully fledged adults, the whole 'they're only young' attitude now means that unacceptable, irrational behaviour is seen as a tantrum in a 12 year old starting puberty would have been viewed then.

Stick to your guns @Difficultadultkids , a few boundaries now are doing her a big favour.

I am honestly finding this age more challenging than the teen years, which were a dream in comparison! With my daughter, her behaviour reflects her inner struggles but I can’t be a doormat for her to walk all over.