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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you if you’d date this man?

258 replies

BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 14:39

To ask if you’d date this man if you found him attractive and in your age bracket and you are heterosexual female?

He is 53. Healthcare worker, interesting hobbies, seems very sensitive and caring. Intelligent. Interesting. Funny. Well travelled. Outgoing.

But…

He’s in the middle of a divorce. His ex has moved out of the family home to a smaller rented home and won’t see him face to face. They haven’t had contact in person for over a year. He lives in what was the family home. Has a teenage child that he doesn’t see. He says she has turned the child against him and she is an abusive narcissist. Nothing comes up on Claire’s law about him. The child apparently has behavioural issues due to his ex’s poor parenting in his view.

OP posts:
AInightingale · 29/06/2026 15:19

NO. 'She won't let me see the kids because she's a bit of a psycho'. That is the oldest chestnut on the tree, up there with 'my wife doesn't understand me'. He has a right to see his child so ask him to tell you what steps he has taken to insist on contact.

Usually just means a lazy feckless bastard basking in martyrdom whilst dodging all his parental responsibilities. Why did his wife leave? Has he compensated her for her share of the house? Important questions.

wotsistpopsit · 29/06/2026 15:18

No way.

If the divorce isn't well and truly over it's likely to be a rebound relationship rather than a lasting one.

How has he had time for hobbies when he's been spending a huge amount of time parenting the child with behavioural problems?

What external help has he had to improve the relationship with the child?

NannyOf8Girls · 29/06/2026 15:18

No.... there's too many issues here..

QuintadosMalvados · 29/06/2026 15:18

Before I met my dh, I was in a similar situation, though I will say that I knew in this instance that the guy I was dating was telling the truth as I'd known his ex all my life and she was a real troublemaker.
Falsely accused a guy of assault when he wasn't even in the country (he was on holiday in Australia! ) amongst other things.
Anyway, she sees us out having a drink, a few days later the police are knocking on his door accusing him of hitting her.
We could prove he was with me all day and night of the alleged attack so it was OK in the end and, though I feel bad for saying it, I just didn't need the hassle so broke it off.
I didn't need a mad ex at my door.

toomuchfaff · 29/06/2026 15:17

This man has presented himself as a flawless victim, which is the single biggest psychological red flag in his profile.

I put your q into google for its assessment, and it came up with everything everyone has been saying here.

Google:

The "Blameless Victim" Trope: He is intelligent, funny, and caring, while his ex is a "narcissist" who ruined their child and turned everyone against him. In reality, healthy, mature adults usually say, "The marriage broke down, we both made mistakes, and it’s a sad situation." Complete lack of accountability is a major warning sign.

The Estrangement Reality Check: A parent completely cut off from a teenage child is a massive alarm bell. While parental alienation does happen, it is rarely absolute without some contributing behaviour from the estranged parent. There is a reason his own child will not see him, and you only know his version.

The "Claire’s Law" Misconception: Relying on Claire’s Law yielding no results as a green flag is a logical fallacy. Claire's Law only shows police records. Most domestic abuse, coercive control, or toxic family dynamics never result in police intervention or a criminal record.

Watch the Vocabulary: Be wary of people who weaponise therapy speak (like "narcissist" or "toxic") to describe anyone they have a conflict with. It often masks their own difficult behaviour.

Observe the Ongoing Drama: A year of zero face-to-face contact, yet still living in the family home during an ongoing divorce, means the legal and financial storm hasn't even hit its peak yet. He is in a crisis zone, not a dating zone.

Check for Contentment vs. Bitterness: An outgoing, well-travelled person should have a full, vibrant life. If their primary topic of conversation is how their ex ruined their relationship with their child, they are not emotionally healed enough to date.

Meteorite87 · 29/06/2026 15:17

LuckyNumberFive · 29/06/2026 14:40

No.

I would never date someone going through a messy divorce but definitely not anyone who uses the "crazy ex" shit.

My 2 reasons exactly @LuckyNumberFive and @BlueSandals

When I'd read as far as "...in the middle of the divorce" that was an instant No from me. It seems that was the red herring, however.

The following details in relation to his DC and demonising of his ex-wife were absolute deal breakers.

BrownBookshelf · 29/06/2026 15:17

No. Even on the very best case interpretation of this, he's got too much baggage. I wouldn't like a relationship with someone who's still married.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 29/06/2026 15:15

BauhausOfEliott · 29/06/2026 14:59

Although I completely understand why the 'crazy ex' trope is one that can be a red flag, I do also know more than one man (family members and close friends of mine) who really do have abusive exes who have behaved horrifically to them and have manipulated and weaponised their children in the split. And it would be extremely unfair if those men weren't able to talk about it, or were blamed for it, when starting a new relationship.

Like I say - I completely understand why it can be a huge red flag and that some men are indeed spinning a lie to excuse their own awful behaviour. I would, in some cases, be very wary indeed.

But I would certainly caution against assuming that's always the case, because everyone, male or female, can be a victim of abuse/control, and it helps nobody if men are expected to hide that and never talk about it for fear they'll be blamed or treated as damaged goods.

OK, let’s assume this bloke is completely faultless and his ex is this much of a total fucking nightmare. You would invite that shitshow into your life?

You would have to be totally desperate.

DirtyGertiefromno30 · 29/06/2026 15:15

I would give him a chance @BlueSandals.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/06/2026 15:15

BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 15:14

Things got volatile between them and they had a massive row. That was the trigger.

Things got volatile between him and his daughter?!? Is this a joke?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/06/2026 15:14

Your responses suggest you’ll date him anyway. I’m putting a tenner on love bombing then moving in with you when his house sale happens. He loves you so much you see. Maybe I’m just cynical, so why not tell him you never want to live with a man and see how that goes down?

BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 15:14

NormasArse · 29/06/2026 15:00

Does he say why his child refuses to see him?

Things got volatile between them and they had a massive row. That was the trigger.

OP posts:
wishingonastar101 · 29/06/2026 15:14

I probably would! But I am a bit of a mess when it comes to men and relationships.

Busybeemumm · 29/06/2026 15:13

What kind of man stays in the family home while his wife and son move out causing lots of instability for the son. This is a huge red flag. Run fast and don't look back!

LaPerruque · 29/06/2026 15:11

No, because the idea that this man thinks he's in a good place to date, midway through a messy divorce which will involve the sale of the former marital home where he lives, father of a child he doesn't see and whose behaviour issues he blames on the poor parenting of his 'narcissistic abusive ex', suggests he is pretty deluded. Regardless of the truth of any of it. I mean, there are men out there who are interesting and have cool hobbies, and don't come weighed down with baggage that would sink a cruise ship.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/06/2026 15:10

BauhausOfEliott · 29/06/2026 15:00

If the child is above a certain age, that wouldn't apply.

That’s true, but then that same age child would be too old to not be able to make her own mind up about her dad.

ArabellaWeird · 29/06/2026 15:09

Absolutely not, I wouldn't touch him. What a repellent spin on his situation.

ThatCyanCat · 29/06/2026 15:09

No.

Beamsss · 29/06/2026 15:08

No. Obviousky break ups are difficult and likely to result in some issues, but he's not taking any responsibility. Everything is someone else's fault.

JoyousOpalLemur · 29/06/2026 15:08

If you like him then go for it

QuintadosMalvados · 29/06/2026 15:08

Even if he's telling the truth (unlikely but let's imagine that he is) do you really want all that drama in your life?
Maybe he is a good guy with a narcissistic ex, do you want HER in your life and a teenage child?

So whatever way you look at it, it's a bad idea.

It's unrealistic at your age to date somebody who's not divorced/out of long term relationship if you're looking for somebody of similar age, so what you're looking for is a man who is cordial with his ex and talks about her in a detached but civil way.

catsflorafauna · 29/06/2026 15:08

LuckyNumberFive · 29/06/2026 14:40

No.

I would never date someone going through a messy divorce but definitely not anyone who uses the "crazy ex" shit.

Yep found this out the hard way. Anyone who describes an ex as crazy, is a red flag. You realise after the relationship why they were ‘crazy’ 😂

TFImBackIn · 29/06/2026 15:08

No way. I'm not sure a narcissist would leave the house anyway; she'd be more likely to make it impossible for him to stay.

Lavender14 · 29/06/2026 15:07

No because if he was that concerned about how mental his ex was he'd be fighting tooth and nail and going via social services to make sure his child isn't left with someone that unhinged...

Just leaving them to it makes me think he's actually the problem and that would be a red flag for me. Narcissists also tend to force communication and make things difficult in order to continue control. Not avoid completely and try to make a clean break.

ikeepforgetting · 29/06/2026 15:06

This is absolutely the kind of bollocks I bet my ex is out there spouting to anyone who will listen. I know, because he tells me too. Sadly, some men tell themselves this stuff to feel better, then it becomes their reality. Regardless, why would you want to get in the middle of it all?