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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask you if you’d date this man?

258 replies

BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 14:39

To ask if you’d date this man if you found him attractive and in your age bracket and you are heterosexual female?

He is 53. Healthcare worker, interesting hobbies, seems very sensitive and caring. Intelligent. Interesting. Funny. Well travelled. Outgoing.

But…

He’s in the middle of a divorce. His ex has moved out of the family home to a smaller rented home and won’t see him face to face. They haven’t had contact in person for over a year. He lives in what was the family home. Has a teenage child that he doesn’t see. He says she has turned the child against him and she is an abusive narcissist. Nothing comes up on Claire’s law about him. The child apparently has behavioural issues due to his ex’s poor parenting in his view.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 14:51

Periperi2025 · 29/06/2026 14:50

Really?! i moved out with my DD (50/50). For a number of good reasons...
I wanted to live in a different location
I didn't want the maintenance burden of a house with a septic tank and private water supply
I wanted a house that wasn't damp
I wanted a cheaper house and therefore smaller mortgage repayments

Lots of totally reasonable reasons for that part of the scenario.

Edited
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The family home is on the market. They will split the proceeds.

OP posts:
JHound · 29/06/2026 14:51

BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 14:49

The child has chosen and is old enough to have their wishes prioritised. He says the ex has manipulated the child to refuse contact.

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They always claim this.

Thundertoast · 29/06/2026 14:51
  • His ex has moved out of the family home to a smaller rented home and won’t see him face to face. They haven’t had contact in person for over a year.

She's entitled not to see him - lets note a small red flag that she might be scared of him though.

  • Has a teenage child that he doesn’t see. He says she has turned the child against him and she is an abusive narcissist.

What was his relationship like with his child before during and after the split. When did contact break down. What professional advice has he sought to try and repair the relationship. So many questions.

The child apparently has behavioural issues due to his ex’s poor parenting in his view.

  • And while his child was being poorly parented he was where, exactly....

The whole thing reeks of bullshit.

JHound · 29/06/2026 14:50

I would not. I don’t understand people who feel the need to jump straight into a new relationship.

Periperi2025 · 29/06/2026 14:50

JMSA · 29/06/2026 14:43

Hell, no. And aside from the obvious red flags, what kind of man stays in the family home while the wife and child have to move out?

Really?! i moved out with my DD (50/50). For a number of good reasons...
I wanted to live in a different location
I didn't want the maintenance burden of a house with a septic tank and private water supply
I wanted a house that wasn't damp
I wanted a cheaper house and therefore smaller mortgage repayments

Lots of totally reasonable reasons for that part of the scenario.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 29/06/2026 14:49

Nope. I wouldn’t ever date a married man or one with “crazy exes”

OriginalSkang · 29/06/2026 14:49

Not in a million years

Original poster
BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 14:49

outerspacepotato · 29/06/2026 14:48

Then he can go to fucking court and get court ordered visitation.

Maybe he should concentrate on that and straightening his messy life up before he starts dating.

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The child has chosen and is old enough to have their wishes prioritised. He says the ex has manipulated the child to refuse contact.

OP posts:
Jom222 · 29/06/2026 14:48

no fucking way. Anyone male or female who shit talks exes is suspect. We don't have to stay close friends with exes but adults should be mostly be able to be cordial with them.

AND his child won't see him?? Run delete or swipe left or whatever to remove from your dating pool.

Lexy2345 · 29/06/2026 14:48

I would tread very carefully. If it's at all possible, try and find out the other side of the story from friends of the wife and daughter. Just because there's no Claire's Law disclosure, doesn't mean he's not an abusive prick.

Toveylove · 29/06/2026 14:48

Not in a million years. He’s blaming his wife. Red red flag.

outerspacepotato · 29/06/2026 14:48

BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 14:46

He says he’s desperate to be in his child’s life.

Show quote history

Then he can go to fucking court and get court ordered visitation.

Maybe he should concentrate on that and straightening his messy life up before he starts dating.

Naurrr · 29/06/2026 14:47

Of course not. Just one of those generic thick men who think someone will actually believe the old 'my ex is mental' line.

A child abandoner should be derided and not welcome anywhere.

outerspacepotato · 29/06/2026 14:47

Red Flags flying! Still married, messy split, doesn't see his kid, "crazy ex", high conflict with soon to be ex. Diagnosing his not quite ex is also a rather big red flag unless there's an actual medical diagnosis from not quite ex's mental health care provider.

People who constantly complain about their ex to a prospective new romantic interest is also a red flag.

ofcolitas · 29/06/2026 14:47

I started off saying yeah why not just date him but then re-read the thread and thought, nah, it's all still too raw, too emotional.

Original poster
BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 14:46

CryptoFascist · 29/06/2026 14:44

Absolutely not. The old excuse of blaming the mother because he can't be bothered to make an effort with his child? Hell no.

He says he’s desperate to be in his child’s life.

OP posts:
dairydebris · 29/06/2026 14:46

Maybe just a short sharp affair if we have good chemistry ( ie a bit of fun ) but hard no to full on relationship.
Often I think mumsnet is a bit all or nothing when it comes to relationships. Its ok to have a fling.

Original poster
BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 14:45

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 29/06/2026 14:44

Certainly not, I'm married

Ha ha. Should have specified ‘and you were single and dating’ . Mind you being married doesn’t stop some people.

So - if you were dating?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/06/2026 14:44

arethereanyleftatall · 29/06/2026 14:43

Absolutely fucking not.

It is actually utterly astonishing and insanely naive that you had to ask this question. There is ZERO chance that it isn’t entirely his fault that his daughter doesn’t speak to him.

CryptoFascist · 29/06/2026 14:44

Absolutely not. The old excuse of blaming the mother because he can't be bothered to make an effort with his child? Hell no.

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 29/06/2026 14:44

Certainly not, I'm married

MiddleAgedDread · 29/06/2026 14:43

No!

JMSA · 29/06/2026 14:43

Hell, no. And aside from the obvious red flags, what kind of man stays in the family home while the wife and child have to move out?

PermanentTemporary · 29/06/2026 14:43

Personally, I’d be extremely wary, not because I automatically disbelieve him (there are plenty of awful women out there) but because this sounds like such a mess. At some point this behaviourally difficult teenager is going to be back in his life -sooner rather than later I would bet - and at that point both the teenager, the ex and this combative relationship are your problem too.

DP is divorced with adult children. He and his ex are on good terms, his children are lovely, grounded people. TBH I think of his ex as a friend of mine. That’s what you’re looking for imo.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/06/2026 14:43

Absolutely fucking not.

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