To ask you if you’d date this man?

Good for you op that you are moving on I wish you all the best

it takes a long time to make sense of how an abusive partner controlled you, trying to understand how he does this to others too can be part of that, dont feel bad for posting we have a choice to engage or not but you may have to accept you may never fully understand

you are still healing and one day why and how realy won’t matter in the way they way they do now, it’s a good feeling when you get to this and you are making the right steps forward

Girl , no. The ex isn’t crazy. This is a VERY common story that men tell when in fact, they are the problem.
If he wanted to see his child, he would. The ex in question isn’t going to leave the family home and parent a high needs child ALONE, for no reason.

Has he applied for custody if his ex is such a bad parent. ?

run away run away!!

This is great advice, but unfortunately a big NO to your current circumstances.

So he didn't take the child but got the family home? Nahhhhhh

Leave this one

Unless you want to be an unpaid family therapist definitely not! Alarming that he is seeking to start a relationship with all this going on.

No - see how things are in 12-18 months and possible reconsider. But absolutely not right now!

My ex did as I didn't feel safe enough to. I knew he wouldn't willingly leave and if he did he could technically walk in at any time as it was his house too. I moved out where he wouldn't know where I was. Not sure I'd trust any man who had his kids leave the house so he could stay in it.

No way, he won't have a pot to piss in when the divorce is over.

Also if he was to move in with you or you with him this can be taken into account where a financial settlement is concerned.

Be very wary.

OK.
I'm saying that even if they know about red flags they'll proceed anyway.

No plan survives contact with the enemy.

They'll make excuses to deal with the cognitive dissonance.
Trying to be real here.

I agree that as looks and charm fade, the options for covert narcissists shrink considerably.

These things tend to be a main weapon in their arsenal.

Their pool shrinks with their looks.

They'll go back to exes they cruelly dumped and if those exes are not in a good place, or have an ego themselves who won't allow them back in, they'll fall victim again.

They also lack the outgoing nature of the 'classic' narcissist which means less people around them.

I know of one. Long-term unemployed guy, living in an old people's complex, only in mid-fifties, daughter doesn't speak to him, former cocklodger whose ex kicked him out about the same time most women become menopausal.

His looks are fading fast, the boyish charm he had at 30 now looks weird on a man in his fifties.
I imagine that in his twenties the arrogance was accepted as he had potential it honestly seems pathetic now that that potential has not been realised.

OP's ex sounds like a classic narcissist though. In my experience, they do tend to be successful for a lot longer, sadly.
There's a more positive, can do attitude to them.
They tend to work harder, too.

The OP is his ex, wondering why someone would date him.

You’ve obviously got doubts or you wouldn’t be on here asking if you should date him? Doesn’t that doubt tell you no, you shouldn’t?

I would still take a lot of posts here with a pinch of salt. It's amazing how many 'I'm clever enough to see the signs' attitudes fall away in the face of a charming handsome man.
I sort of agree with you.

I actually think that forums like MN are having an impact on how much these men get away wtih. Still small because no matter how large MN is, it certainly doesn't represent the entire population. the women on here who are saying they'd see the red flags are telling the truth. Some of them might not have seen the red flags until they experienced it themselves and/or came on MN. In the real world however, yes, there are a lot of women who would NOT see the red flags and would believe all the lies. Sometimes, we see those women on here - they'll come on to rant about their boyfriend's ex and his behaviour but often, with just a few well chosen questions, it becomes clear that she's being hoodwinked by this man.

As a slight side note, I read some research a few years ago that said that certainly, for vulnerable/covert narcissists, it's very common for them to land up alone at the end of their lives. Because their victim schtick becomes harder and harder to believe and so it becomes harder and harder for them to find new people (women) who will take them in and they lose the friends/family they already had. Obviously, not true of all controlling/manipulative personality types, but definitely true of this one. see also narcissistic women who land up with limited or no relationship with their children/grandchildren and can have a tendency to drive other people away with their contant complaining.

Yeah OK.
I'll admit that I was thinking along the lines where a man is more objectively abusive (physical violence) than the mind games sort.

The sort of abuse that everybody- I hope-could immediately see as the abuser's fault.

I still maintain that if he's handsome and charming enough a lot of women will find ways of dealing with the cognitive dissonance of: 'if he's so great why isn't his daughter seeing him?' though.

Perhaps you need to accept that.

It's not fair but there's no point railing against it.

If he fooled you, he'll fool somebody else.

I would still take a lot of posts here with a pinch of salt. It's amazing how many 'I'm clever enough to see the signs' attitudes fall away in the face of a charming handsome man.

Absolutely not.

Aside from the huge red flag 'ex is crazy' narrative, the even bigger flashing sirened red flag is his attributing his child's challenging behaviour to his ex's parenting

Was he not present? Was he not part of the parenting? Is he not responsible for at least half of this?

To me, this blaming is basically announcing that he didn't give a shit a bout the most important thing in his life - his child. Even if the DC behaviour it is all the ex's fault (and let's be clear, it's not!), he stood by knowing it wasn't great and did nothing about it.

And a smaller but still shining flag for me would be - why is his child and their mother living in rented accomodation and not the family home? What didn't he move out?

OK.
I see what you mean.
I suppose I'm referring to men that are more visible and objectively abusive : physical, sexual abuse etc rather than the type who plays mind games.

Not that mind games aren't traumatic of course. I don't want to play the what is worse game.

No, I like to keep my life simple and drama free. If that means being on my own so be it.

@QuintadosMalvados unless you've been on the receiving end of a person like this it's very difficult to understand the trauma it leaves behind. there's the intellectual knowledge that he's out of your life and you don't have to deal with it anymore, but there's also the emotional toll it takes which can be a lot harder to move on from. Intellectually you KNOW this person is a bad person, who treated you badly, but then you start to question it again when you see him with a new woman who, as far as you can telll, is a nice normal person. why would she be with him if he's that bad? Maybe I WAS the problem all along? What am I missing here?

Plus there's the fairness factor. We all know, intellectually, that things aren't always fair. But it can be really hard to move on from Why is she getting the good treatment? Why can't other people see what he's really like? Why are there still people who think I was the problem and believe his lies? etc etc etc.

one phrase in an email to me says it all though ‘I can’t believe you did that even though you knew I’d be angry’ - he used his anger to keep me under control and he knew it.

this gives me the shudders. But mostly because what i find so scary about statements like this (and I've seen so many in RL from exBIL and sadly, I've seen a few people like this in the workplace - they are often frighteningly successful) is that, in my experience, they don't think of it as the anger keeping you under control. It's much deeper than that - they genuinely, completely, wholeheartedly cannot understand why you would ever do something they don't like. Their belief in their right to have everything their way, to make the decisions or even simply that whatever they think is literally the ONLY way to be means that they don't think of their anger as a control tactic. This level of disordered thinking is what I find so scary becuase it's completely impossible to work around. An evil person knows they are doing something wrong but does it anyway. These people have a deep seated belief that YOU are the problem.

Just to make it clear: I do believe that he's an awful person OP but I also believe that you still have feelings for him.

OP, honestly why aren't you glad that that he's somebody else's problem if he's as bad as all that?
You can't be that concerned about another adult woman's wellbeing who's a complete stranger who's dating him of her own free will surely?

Nobody is that much of a saint.

When I think about it now, the guy is was briefly dating whose ex was accusing him of bad things (I've explained in another post why I knew it was b.s.) if he really was that flipping bad would have breathed a heavy sigh of relief when she saw us together instead of making a (provably) untrue accusation that he hit her.

It's not that I don't think he's awful but I'm confused about why the heck you aren't relieved and jumping for joy that he is not your problem.

Honestly I think that you're still in love with him.