Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

Also have an autistic child and 100% agree. Being considerate may be a harder skill to learn for some, but it can and should be learnt.

Teaching him that he doesn't need to consider others, that he's always #1, is not setting him up for success in life or future relationships.

Your dgs needs to learn to sleep in your home environment.
your ds could be a little more considerate but I definitely wouldn’t stop him coming to your home

Son needs to try and be quieter or come round 30mins later so baby is in deep sleep

equally baby needs to start to learn to sleep through noise - white noise can really help

is son always loud or just when done in excited to see you and chats about day

then goes a bit quieter

if so can baby go to bed 30mins later. So sees uncle and then bed once he’s a. Bit quieter

Are you one of those people that insist because something worked for you, or that you are used to things a certain way then this must be the case for everyone?

you seem to be, your posts are very one sided and lacking any empathy or thought for how difficult it must be for the baby’s mum

Youre not always right you know

It's your house OP and he is your son. And he only visits 2 or 3 times a week. Your DD will have to accept that life goes on even when kids are trying to get to sleep. The world doesn't stop because you have a baby, or at least mine didn't and I never expected it to. Your DD is very fortunate to have been offered a loving and safe environment for her and her child and I have no doubt their return has impacted your life on some level. It seems totally unreasonable to me that she should call the shots on who visits you, especially her own brother who should be equally welcome in the family home.

It actually is. Maybe its not a trait of your DH or child, but to say it isn't an autistic trait is fundamentally wrong. Autistic people often struggle to understand their own tone and volume levels, they often struggle to not be so heavy handed/footed due to proprioception differences. And then add vocal stimming in too, which if you know anything about any kind of stim it is very difficult to suppress, autistic people can be noisy. To say being noisy is nothing to do with autism makes me think you have a very narrow understanding.

What’s the need for this comment? ASD is very complex, people can have many issues with managing behaviours that doesn’t mean he requires comments. You sound AWFUL

You shouldn’t stop him coming but as someone with autistic family members if he is functioning well enough to be living on his own and working etc he is more than capable of being reminded to use an inside voice!

I have a child with autism who truly cannot speak quieter. We have had her hearing tested a couple of times, but it appears that is a common trait. Contrary to what some posters are saying, the DS is likely to not be able to stop this, and is not bring selfish. The DD must know this as his sister.

If you limit him popping in, as an ASD person, this will likely make additional issues as this is his routine.

Going forward, it depends upon a couple of things.
How long is DD likely to be staying? Is it worth the upheaval of DS routine?
How old is DGS?

Ahh damn I clicked YANBU when I meant to client that YABU! Your son can 100% be more considerate and be quieter but he is choosing not to and you are choosing not to pull him up on his crappy behaviour. Him being autistic doesn’t excuse him being inconsiderate.

Does your son never go the cinema/theatre/church/any other place where people are expected to be quiet? Did he make a racket all through school? Autistic people are generally able to lower their voice and laughter. What’s he going to do if/when he has his own children?

Requiring carers or not is irrelevant here. How much experience with autism do you have? It is very common for autistic people to struggle with things such as controlling their tone and volume, or heaviness of their steps due to proprioception differences. Living an independent life doesn't mean all autistic traits disappear or get masked.

OP, I feel the people telling you to tell your son to be quiet do not have experience with autistic people. You sound like a very caring, neuro-affirming mother and I can see why your son still wants to visit you. It's difficult that there's a problem between your son and daughter, but I agree you shouldn't refuse to let your son over just because your daughter says so. They need to work out a way where your daughter can live there peacefully, and your son can visit his parents. A white noise machine for your grandsons room may help. Wishing you lots of luck on finding a solution that supports everyone's needs.

Do you have young kids?! We definitely do ask older children to be quiet when the baby is asleep and we also modify our behaviour so as not to wake the baby! We live in a 3 storey house so our older child can be noisy downstairs, but when she comes up to bath/go to bed we make sure she’s quiet in the corridors and not jumping around etc. husband and I know what noise is a problem and modify accordingly. For instance our top shower makes the pipes noisy so we don’t use it in the evening.

I would just say to him it’s always lovely to see him but he needs to keep the noise down if he visits after 7. Being autistic he is unlikely to see a problem himself and will need the required behaviour made explicit. The I’m sure he will have no problem with complying. He may just not realise there’s a problem?

I think you are playing favourites, @wildorangetruck - you are saying that your son’s want to visit outweighs your young grandchild’s need for a decent night’s sleep.

I assume this won’t be forever - just until your DD’s living situation is sorted, so can’t you prioritise your grandson for a while?

She can move out if she doesn't like it. It's his home as much as hers.

He doesn't live there anymore. She and GS do. So they take priority.

The baby won't be like that forever but you have to explain it's not fair to wake him up. It disrupts the whole household.

Can't he meet you in a local pub or something if he wants to see you in the evenings? Or can't you go to his? Then he comes round during the day on weekends?

You don't need to stop seeing him but his nephew is only a baby and needs to be accounted for. His mum can't be too sleep deprived.

So twice a week he is coming over and waking up a baby who already doesn't get to sleep easily? Perhaps you and your son should take over responsibility for getting him back to sleep after waking him, since both of you think it's not a big deal.

So he can hold down a job, drive a large delivery vehicle, pay his bills and live in his own home but he’s unable to think about he nephew and keep the noise down?!? Doesn’t sound right.
Is there someone next to him while driving constantly reminding him to stick to the speed limit???

This is really difficult OP, I feel for you. Of course you don’t want to upset your DS and make him feel unwelcome, you say he is autistic so that does put a spin on it, however he seems as though he can function pretty well, has a job and lives outside of your home, so surely you can keep gently reminding him that he needs to tone it down, I don’t think it is too much of an ask really.

Your daughter being back at your home with grandson would indicate something has gone wrong in her life, so is probably already finding the whole situation very difficult and now has added stress of this situation. As a mum of two young children, it is incredibly frustrating when you’re trying to put a baby/toddler to sleep and someone else keeps waking them! It creates a rage like nothing else. Yes it is not your daughter’s house, but it is her home right now and she deserves some consideration.

edited to say could she maybe try a white noise machine if she doesn’t already?

Day to day living is not always quiet ! Better that babies / toddlers/ children are raised with the hum of life in the background and not in complete silence with Shush shush !

I live with and love 2 autistic people and have an autistic sister. He doesn't see it from her point of view as he doesn't know how others think and struggles to understand social norms. However, if would tell him not to shout. Trouble with autistic people is you need to be pretty blunt because of the social difficulties they have , then they get upset . However , surely babies get used to the noise levels they are in with time ...I slept through a hurricane when I was just over 1.. how old is this baby ? Autism or nit, 25 or not it isn't his house , though he may view it that way , daughter can not demand anything but ....I do get where she is coming from a bit.
He's your son and its your house though.

Babies nap at nursery. It's hardly school. Unless of course where you are ONE year olds are at school

None of my kids were ever in bed at 7. Still managed to be up for nursery school etc) eldest started at 3 months)

And 7am is a much more reasonable time to wake than the 4/5 am ive read about on here

Is there any white / brown noise or even maybe music that could be played in the room that would drown him out a bit and get baby used to sleeping in a slightly noisier environment?

We currently have 2 air con units blowing in the house due to the heat and we can no longer hear any noises happening in either bedroom upstairs despite rooms being next to each other, nevermind downstairs!

Babies like washing machine noises etc usually as they are apparently similar to noises in the womb so may even help baby sleep. You can find some things on You Tube / Spotify to try rather than going an buying a unit especially for it 😊

Edited to say must be YT or Spotify premium otherwise ads are loud during the noise!

Unless you have a child that is very sensitive to noise. Like an autistic child/baby.

I had one of those.
dc1 slept through with no issue.
dc2, brought up the same, actually in a noisier environment was waking up for anything and everything. And now white noise machine didn’t help. It actually had the opposite effect - see being hyper sensitive to noise!