Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

By wanting to make your son feel welcome, you’re making your daughter and grandson seem like they aren’t welcome and I’m guessing they really need somewhere to live right now. You can ask your son to be considerate and keep it down, having autism doesn’t exempt a person from basic human decency and consideration and I’d have thought he’d want his sister and nephew to be happy and comfortable.

Does your son love his sister? Does he love his niece/nephew? If he does he will surely not want to make her life harder for her and deprive a small child of sleep. Being autistic is not an excuse for being selfish everybody can learn regardless of disability. Sometimes they just need little more help to get there. He of course he should be able to come to your house whenever he likes. But he also needs to be respectful of others and be aware of what an awkward position he’s potentially putting you in.

Yes it certainly sounds like it.

I have an autistic son who functions well and works full time. However he is heavy handed and makes considerably more noise than his brother or me. He gets up early and I always hear him way more than when his brother gets up.
He is a considerate young man, kind and generous and we try and get him to be a little quieter. He just doesn't realise that he makes more noise.

Also an autistic person who comes home from work after a busy day often needs to destress more than an NT person . I know that it takes a lot of effort for DS to process instructions, prioritise and organise things.
His time after work is very important to him and presumably for your son, his visits to you are all part of that.
I understand the difficulty in getting babies to sleep and your home is currently your daughters too but I do think that she can't dictate who you have visiting to your home.

I feel for you. There isnt an answer really is there? Doesnt sound like anyone is being inconsiderate or selfish to me.
Suggestions of white noise for baby are a good, that helped with my lightsleepers. itll be a short term thing until baby starts to sleep more soundly, might eventuallyget used to uncles voice. Can you not go to your sons instead midweek or meet out somewhere? Or if baby wakes you cpuld try to settle baby and give your daughter a break ?

It sounds like op hasnt and wont tell the asd ds no or be quiet.
Which is unhelpful as fhe could have reached a stage of living with others.

Tbh this thraad strikes me as to why there is a long running thread of partners complaining re autistic husbands.

You cant know if someone is capable of doing something if they havent been asked. But also if there is no consequence why would he try to change.

Tbh it may not even be the asd as some men (and women) can just be like this, loud, inconsiderate.
My dad loves having surround sound. My room was above while theres was far away. The thud of the football during matches! I ended up turning it down. (Sneakily obviously).

Have to say too that staying over at peoples houses where the kids dont sleep well (tv noise or open plan etc etc is much more rare for us)

When dc1 (audhd) was 4 and starting school she was staying in my mums office (retired). It was like 11pm before my mum would leave and let dc go to sleep. Unsurprisingly dc had an awful start to school behaviour wise.

Sounds like a typical ASD response to me. He may not have an awareness of others.

Because strangely enough... that doesn't work for every child. You'll see a few people here (myself included) have explained how some of our kids were such bad sleepers that they could wake at a pin drop and sleep deprivation drives many people to having mental health problems.

My first was a horrific sleeper. Didn't sleep through til he was 2! I went to bed at 7 / 7.30pm every night with him because every 15 minutes I could nap was needed!

My 2nd, sleeps like a dream anywhere and everywhere.

Maybe - except the OP has confirmed that he has been told and his reaction wasn't that he didn't realise, that he's sorry and will make more effort. His reaction was that as far as he's concerned it's not his problem...

Sounds like he’s waking the baby up deliberately to me. “The baby isn’t my problem”. How selfish - autistic people can absolutely learn to be considerate.

I’m sorry but even in my own home with children we didn’t have a quiet time like that.

We just had a standard no shouting at any time house. If the son is just a loud talker he is a loud talker.

Why is your daughter spending ages settling him? Get a good bedtime routine and get him in bed. Story/Nightlight on/rain sounds - goodnight.

It is really sad to see that even in this day and age, autism is still not understood. A lot of these comments are vile, even from some posters who claim to have autistic children. Thankfully OP seems like a neuro-affirming mother who understands her son and enjoys being around him.

Exactly, @Permanentlytired2621.

If you create silence for babies to sleep they will always need silence. I used to vac when my babies went to sleep. Also by your daughter staying with the baby until they fall asleep is making her life much harder.
You son needs to be able to visit his mum whenever he likes but maybe just ask him to be a bit quieter due to the baby.

“7pm is quiet time in this house now whilst the baby is here. If you can’t be quiet then we’ll have to stop midweek visits after 7pm”.

I feel for your daughter, clearly your son has always dominated the house.

My kids have never lived in the UK. And I'm not sure you actually read my post - most kids probably don't have a problem like this. Some do. That's it. Some just don't sleep properly. For my first it didn't make any difference if it was deadly silent or noisy around her. Sleep was a battle regardless. However if I had somehow managed to get her to sleep and something, anything woke her up, be it noisy people, an earth tremor or whatever, then yes it was devastating. If you don't have a child like this then you simply don't get it.

Autistic people are capable of changing certain traits btw. Perfectly reasonable to ask him if he could tone his laughter down.

I think that it’s a reasonable request to ask him to be quieter. At the moment it’s her home more than your son’s as she’s living there and he isn’t.
I don’t think encouraging him to keep his voice down is not accepting who he is, it’s just basic manners. Baby sleeping = noise down. It’s not that hard!
You’ve already said she struggles to get him down and is there a while so I imagine him being woken up after all that is exhausting for her and she is not asking the earth of you or your son.

It’s her home for now. Albeit temporarily. She deserves to have some peace and being able to relax.

Can you not put yourself in her shoes and realise it’s not easy for her?

YANBU, lots of people have to settle babies in houses with loud ND siblings. You are doing a great thing taking in your daughter but your son needs you too. People say he can work so he can be quiet but he could be masking all day at work and his DM's house may be the only place he can be himself or he simply may not realise when he is being loud.

It's only a few days a week and not even that late into the evening. If DD wants to impose strict routines she should look to moving out, her Mum is doing her a massive favour housing her and her child and she can't dictate what happens in her home.

He needs to keep his voice down and she needs to buy a loud white noise machine

Do you have any understanding of ASD? He may not be aware how loud he is or be able to be more quiet.

It's twice a week And it's not her house. People can only speak about their own experiences realky

There are some really nasty comments here from people who clearly don’t under the first thing about autism. The son is clearly trying but staying quiet can be almost impossible for lots of autistic people. Being able to hold down a job doesn’t mean they don’t have any difficulties in life!
I know if I told my ds something like this, he would find it really hard not to feel like he was never allowed to come over and would feel very rejected.
However, I have also had a non sleeping baby and I would have hated them getting woken up. Can they not use a loud white noise machine for an hour or so? Or just go to bed later? Sometimes we have an odd obsession with babies going to bed early but mine always had a late nap and later bedtime, then slept until later in the morning too. I would have hated spending all evening trying to get them to sleep and then being also woken up at dawn.