Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

Why would you put someone else's child above your own?

Oh God, they sound like a nightmare! Poor you!

My youngest didn't sleep for more than 2 hours in a row until he was 2, noise didn't seem to bother him, he seemed to just want to be cuddled non stop! I'd still have preferred not sleeping for 2 years than one of those nightmare machines.

You are prioritising an adult (your DS) over an actual child. Obviously he needs to be quiet. Yes it's your house but why are you not putting your grandchildren first?

I'm ND and sorry but it's no excuse really, you can't go through life excusing thoughtless behaviour because of it.

Agreed.
Plus they are both adults and they can have this conversation with eachother instead of making it OP's problem.

They're horrible. DS had one as a baby, and it used to do that thing where you basically get auditory hallucinations as your brain tries to interpret the noise. Sometimes it was music but most of the time all I could hear was a baby crying, which was really distressing when there wasn't actually a baby crying. I still get it when I can hear fans and air con or even the shower running.

Also it didn't stop the waking from random thuds or loud noises either so it was just an extra stress.

What's the obsession with white noise machines? Anyone else fine white noise absolutely unbearable? They make me feel so stressed and like I'm having a nervous breakdown - car fans, extractor fans, hoovers, some air fryers (we have an old noisy one) even kettles boiling! Thank God they weren't a thing when I was a baby or my kids. I would have lost my mind!

Dude, I am an autistic person who has always struggled to sleep.

I also have two autistic children, both of whome took several hours to fall asleep, even as baby, and neither of whom slept more then 3 consecutive hours until after the age of 5 (which meant I slept even less, as I was up both). I taught both that they need to be quiet if other people are sleeping, as non of us could survive with the little sleep we were getting being any more disrupted. When you're living off 2-3h of sleep a night, and someone carelessly makes it so yo lose another hour of that, it really does feel like a slap in the face.

A mistake would be if he tried to be quite but occasionally forgot or needed to be reminded. Deciding it "not your responsibility" is not a mistake, it's a decision. OP needs to find a way to make her son understand that he is responsible for the amount of sound coming out of his own mouth.

As usual OP being a good parent means balancing the needs of both your kids - there is room for compromise, there's also plenty of room for selfish behaviour on both sides but as a parent that should not be tolerated - you never stop learning and it seems you never stop parenting either.

Yanbu. Of course you love your two children equally and your daughter is framing this unreasonably as trying to make you choose between them. You will not tell your son to stop visiting any more than you would tell your daughter to move out. You can remind your son that everyone is trying to be quiet after 7 but that's it. Your daughter needs to accept that no living situation is perfect

So yep, OP, sorry for the abuse from the resident loons.

These are the simple facts which can't be argued with.

You have very, very kindly granted your daughter the enormous favour of living in YOUR home with your grandchild.

So, of course, you MUST NOT be dictated to as to what you do in YOUR own home, particularly when it is so absolutely normal, standard and completely acceptable as your son visiting and not whispering or creeping around.

She'll just have to deal with it. Nobody normal asks people to creep around in their own home after 7pm 😅

You're already playing favourites by allowing her to live with you, don't favouritise her even more at the cost of your relationship with your son.

You can ask him to keep it down a bit sure, and if he can, great. And if he can't, such is life.

She sounds entitled, super anxious and you CANNOT and MUST not let her start dictating your life to you. Again, particularly as your behaviour and your son's behaviour is so absolutely nothing, normal and uncontroversial.

And your updates have made it clear she even expects YOU to creep around in your home own after 7pm!

As it's YOUR HOME and not your daughter's, she can always leave if people doing normal, basic, uncontroversial things is too much for her.

And she'll be in for a very rude shock indeed if she thinks she can impose silence on people anywhere else that's for sure.

Sorry people have been abusing you OP, there are some genuine nutters on this site.

The son does work and live independently. He pops by, makes a racket wakes the baby and fucks off.

Austism is no excuse for having no respect for your sister and your nephew and getting away with it.

not just getting away with it, being enabled by their mother who favours her son and over mothers him.

Has your son always been your favourite child?

its astonishing that neither you or your son can prioritise the needs of a baby over your own.

Your daughter isn't being unreasonable, your son isn't being unreasonable. You are being unreasonable.
Imagine you're your daughter and you're struggling to get your baby down to sleep. What would you want in this situation?
Your son absolutely can be asked to quieten. You can put a sign on the front door when your daughter takes the baby to bed, reminding him about volume. You can send a text. You can remind him when his volume starts rising. You can try.

I have a ASD son who shouts everything. He adjusts his volume when informed it's too much. I just have to keep reminding him because he doesn't register when it creeps back up.

Wrong.

its daughters home. At home you are entitled to a level of calm and rest. Which her brother is preventing

just so you know we can read without capital letters

Nope, I'm 100% correct and your venomous comment abusing strangers and rewriting the narrative means nothing to me.

Even though my factual comment means a huge amount to you :)

HTH.

you so so wrong on so many points.

But she’s not asking for silence, just that loud knobheads with ridiculously loud voice, laugh and stompy feet could show a bit more respect and consideration for her baby who is being unnecessarily disturbed from his much need sleep

Plus, at the moment, it is also the baby and his Mothers home

Nope. You have very, very kindly granted your daughter the enormous favour of living in your home with your grandchild. Of course you MUST NOT be dictated to what you do in your own home, particularly when it is so absolutely normal, standard and completely acceptable as your son visiting.

She'll just have to deal with it. Nobody normal asks people to creep around in their own home after 7pm 😅

You're already playing favourites by allowing her to live with you, don't favouritise her even more at the cost of your relationship with your son.

So, no. You can ask him to keep it down a bit sure, and if he can, great. And if he can't, such is life.

She sounds entitled, super anxious and you CANNOT and MUST not let her start dictating your life to you. Again, particularly as your behaviour and your son's behaviour is so absolutely nothing, normal and uncontroversial

As it's YOUR HOME and not hers, she can always leave if people doing normal, basic, uncontroversial things is too much for her. She'll be in for a very rude shock indeed if she thinks she can impose silence on people anywhere else that's for sure 😄

Why are people saying DD is “dictating”. She’s not. Shes suggested because she’s sick and tired of her brother, who doesn’t give a shiny shit about her discomfort or that of her baby because it isn’t his responsibility, causing additional stress and exhaustion due to his unwillingness to keep the volume down and is trying to find an answer.

She’s not moved in with her mum for fun and something has clearly happened to change her circs to the extent the move was necessary (breakup? job loss?) so unless there’s a huge backstory of her being a feckless waster, her mother having the attitude of “you’re lucky I’m letting you and your child stay here so put up and shut up or get out” that so many people are suggesting would likely irreparably damage their relationship, especially if she’s grown up having to make concessions for her brother because their mum uses “he’s autistic” as a get out of jail free card from actually teaching him the life skills he needs, like consideration for others even when he doesn’t think it’s his job.

Sudden loud sounds are not the same as background noise like vacuuming. We evolved to wake up to loud unexpected sounds, so how people think you can suddenly train a 1yo to sleep through it when most adults couldn’t is beyond me. There’s a reason alarm clocks work and why there are so many threads about annoying neighbour noise.

Op has one child who is a single parent of a baby that doesn’t sleep well, has had something go wrong enough that she’s had to move in with her mum, and who is clearly struggling. She has another child that lives out of the family home, has a job, and is inconsiderate enough to say it isn’t his responsibility to not wake the baby when he’s visiting the place where that baby currently lives and he doesn’t. Rather than giving her DD a bit of grace and compassion during a time of need, she’s prioritising her DS being able to pop over during the week in addition to the weekends because he feels like it. I’d struggle with my mum prioritising my brother’s wants over my needs when I’m having a difficult time tbh.

Doesn't mean he can't be considerate and lower his "loud" laugh if he comes in the evening when the baby goes to bed. When he had a child with a partner is he going to play the "I can't stop being loud" acrs and keep waking his baby up while his wife or partner works hard to get the baby to bed?

If you say so, I disagree with you that he can’t show some respect

Whilst I think the DD can’t dictate who visits, I think she is perfectly within her rights to calm and quiet at bed time in the HOUSE SHE IS CURRENTLY CALLING HOME

Do you know any autistic people who work and live independently? Have you heard of masking? It seems to me that @wildorangetruck 's son is having to adapt to a new situation and is not finding it easy. This is what life can be like for autistic people and their families.

Is it bollocks, she’s trying to care for a young baby. The baby should trump the adult sons “needs” He’s still welcome - he just needs to be considerate and it has been explained to him how he can do that but hey … “the baby is not my problem” 🙄

I too can walk upstairs quietly, yet here we have the grandma having to creep upstairs so as not to wake the baby 🤔 And due to being autistic, the son is naturally heavy footed, it’s called proprioception difficulties . But yeh, carry on with your ableist attitude.
while we can creep up to the toilet, he will try not to be loud but he’s naturally just heavy handed

While you think he has not been taught how to be respectful (even though op says he does try to be quiet), by the same token the daughter is equally entitled and disrespectful in her requests that everyone be quiet as a mouse in their own home, and dictating when her brother can visit! Her attitude is far worse than her disabled brother.