Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

So granny is a hostage to her grandchild got it.

Creeping to her toilet like a ninja.

Can’t have people use her door they must text/call once outside.

can’t have her son visit 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Ive never met such a glass baby.

Well said

Same as a second baby with a toddler sibling I suppose. They don't get creeping around whispering to sleep

Depends how the door is being used

Messaging when outside vs knocking / doorbell
Open and close carefully vs slamming

Much like the voice volume, it's a matter of being mindful and considerate

And how on earth are you supposed to teach a baby not to hear sounds.

its not routine noise, it’s a distrurbance that can definitely be avoided

Are you forgetting that this baby struggles to fall asleep in the first place, he is not going to be in a deep enough sleep to be able to sleep through noisy voices and laughing

Harming the baby. 4 hours noise a week and 164 hours creeping about

Surely the most important person in all this is the baby? Not the OP, not her daughter, not her son, the baby!

Babies need sleep and lots of it and if they don’t get it they are out of sync all day, irritable, unhappy and difficult to settle which further impacts your daughter and anyone who cares for the baby during the day.

As a mum, you have welcomed your daughter and grandchild back into your home and in doing so you should be prioritising their needs over a child that doesn’t live in the house, autistic or not. To wake up a baby who is upstairs your son’s voices must absolutely bellow and he must lump and crash about so much to use your toilet. I don’t think the level of sound he is making should be considered reasonable. Whether he can help it or not is besides the point. If your son is incapable of keeping his voice down at 8pm at night, then I actually agree with your daughter and he should stop coming round late at night or you should go and meet him elsewhere. I understand where you are coming from in regards to ‘it’s his home’ because it’s your home and he’s always welcome from a emotional perspective, but the reality is, it’s not his actual home. He can go elsewhere to be excessively loud, the baby and your daughter right now cannot. You agreed to have them, so it’s now your responsibility to make sure they are treated with a bit of respect.

My toddler was alway told to stop any noisy tantrum when his baby sister was napping, most of the time he'd listen because playing with mummy without the baby being arround was much more fun then mummy spending another hour getting baby back to sleep.

There's not actually a way to "teach" a brain to stop registering sound, most NT people's brain automatically does it, this baby's it seems does not. Depriving the child of sleep will not make it's brain process sound differently.

How would the brother even whispering stop the fact the mere door being used can wake the baby 🤦🏻‍♀️

If she allows him to keep harming the baby, it will be impossible for the daughter to remain living with her, and a doubt her relationship with the daughter would survive her choosing the sons wants over her/her babies physical needs

He is not harming the baby. The baby is being harmed by being taught not being able to sleep through routine noise. Yes, I’ve had kids, several, and that was our job as parents to teach them. The world does not become silent because a baby is going to sleep. That’s a very ‘first baby’ thing. Once you have noisy kids and toddler siblings in the house, it’s essential babies know they need to sleep with household noise, both typical and unexpected. Toddlers don’t not have noisy tantrums because baby siblings are going to sleep/are asleep🤣.

That sums it up.

You and your son need to work harder on keeping his voice lower, but your daughter absolutely does not get to dictate when you see him.

It's mid summer and long days. Maybe you and he could go for a walk and chat some evenings?

I think the op has been a little remiss in not teaching her kid to

I think in my house it maybe works out more balance because everyone f needs, so when there is a conflict of needs, there needs to fair compromise, instead of

If the DS has never been taught that other family members also have needs that matter (eg. Nephews need for sleep), then that's more on the op then the young man, but at 25 he does need to learn.

I think in my house it maybe works out more balance because everyone has needs, so when those needs conflict, someone has to compromise and there's not a default 'more able to compromis' sibling that it alway falls to. For us, the 'rule' is that one person's right to 'be themselves' dose not extend to harming someone else, and if you're the one causing harm, the onus is on you to change.

Eg. My DD would like to authenticly express her displeasure by hitting me when I ask her to brush her teeth, but I'm not ok with being hit, so she makes do by eye rolling and yelling "fine!" (The onus is on her to control her hands)

My DS would like to 'be himself' by climbing onto furniture and jumping down (movement sensory seeking), but the constant crashing disturbs the neighbours and was causing sensory overload for DD, so he needs to do his jumping on a trampoline or gym ball. (Ie. Onus on him to use quiet jumping outlet, not on DD to adapt to sound)

In the op's case, the son likes to be himself by shouting when talking (maybe auditory sensory seeking?) But this is causing physical harm and emotional distress to his sister and nephew, who's sleep is being disrupted. It makes sense to me that the son should be the one to change, because he is the one who is harming others.

While I don't think the op should restrict his visits, she does need to make him understand that he can't keep shouting while the baby is sleeping. If she allows him to keep harming the baby, it will be impossible for the daughter to remain living with her, and a doubt her relationship with the daughter would survive her choosing the sons wants over her/her babies physical needs.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, most of you know absolutely nothing about the different profiles of autism and you know nothing about the complexities of social communication and sensory processing. As someone who has extensive professional and personal lived experience in this area, this is a disgusting thread to read.

Fair enough. You do know some people will read your post and take it as truth though don’t you?

I did say I'm making a lot of assumptions!

Just going from my own experience of have a ND annoying as hell brother, and having two children that don't often see eye to eye, and countless stories and examples and history making events due to siblings not getting on.

Just trying to look at things, imagine what might be going on from all sides, using my own points of reference rather than be really nasty about the son and mum as many posters have been.

I'm just going by what the OP said about her son 'not seeing it as his problem' or whatever the wording was. And my own experience of annoying siblings!
Trying to see things from all potential sides. I could be utterly wrong about some things, I did say I've made a lot of assumptions!

He would have to be fairly lacking in soul, empathy or any maturity if at his big age he got angry with his sister getting pregnant and having to move in with mum and the ‘silly baby’ not being able to sleep through noise. What is he a toddler? Hes 24!

I think they should both compromise. She needs to realise you don’t have to stop visits in the week and just ask your son to keep it down.

I think if you move into someone else's home , even moving back in with parents that you have to fit in with their routines/ lives. Not the other way round.

Wow, That’s a lot of creating your own narrative there

I could understand if he was popping in every night but it’s 2 days a week.

Op already talks about creeping up her own stairs to go toilet.

That the front door merely being used sometimes wakes the baby.

Like a prisoner to a babies bed time with zero visitors or going out.

couldn’t even get a shop delivered after 7pm incase the door wakes the baby basically.

That’s no way for someone to be treated in her own house.

The daughter needs to suck up the 2 nights a week and for her own sanity as well try other things to help her child cope with normal household noise at bedtime.

I can’t imagine moving into my mums with my children and then dictating her visitors and holding her hostage to my child’s bedtime routine.

I think perhaps everyone having a go at the son is forgetting these 2 are actually siblings. Have people met siblings? A lot of them are in constant competition with each other and don't like each other that much.

Going to make a lot of assumptions here, but having grown up with a brother somewhat further on the spectrum than NT people it could be very irritating and draining having a loud, confusing sibling needing many things his way all the time.

Home with mum and Dad was also the one place he could absolutely totally be himself where he knew he would always have unconditional love, where he could let out his worse habits and it be ok, he didn't have to tip toe around anyone or constantly think social situations through.

The brother in the case is possibly also pissed off that his sister got herself knocked up with no were to live (horrible way to put it, but thinking of it from how the brother might feel) and is now living rent free (possibly) with their mum and dictating how he spends his downtime because the silly baby can't go to sleep with a bit of noise.

There's probably loads of sibling rivalry going on here, the daughter is in a stressful time of her life, the son has constant stresses and the mother is caught up in the middle of it all.

They really do need to just sit down together, air everything out and work out a compromise and learn to put up with each others annoyances out of respect for their loving mother who is trying to keep the peace and everyone happy and safe.

Really don't get the nastiness on this thread.

A baby can learn to sleep through those noises, esecually if the baby can get used to something white noisr nearby. I am a mother of 5 and never done the cry it out method, never stopped normal living noise as it sets tge situation up for disaster. If you keep puhing your son you will end up seeing less of one of your children. Last point, how was your son asked to be quieter as it sounds lile he is just digging his heels in after being challenged. My suggestion would be to empathise with him with a quiet chat and maybe he will be quieter without you damaging either relationship

I clarified earlier in the post that I thought DD was unreasonable to suggest OP shouldn’t have visitors. And no I didn’t tell MIL she couldn’t have visitors.

i didn’t need to raise any concerns about because either MIL told them that my daughter needed to rest, or the visitors realised this because they are also respectful. It’s not rocket science is it.

If he’s not willing to change when he visits then he needs to learn to speak and laugh more quietly and be reprimanded for being loud. It’s rude! He is 24 and even with ASD he is not 5 years old.