Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

Are you ok @occamsrazor26 ? You have a very aggressive view of the baby on this post. You call people who have a different opinion to you “bigots” yet you are the one showing strong animosity, disregard, or intolerance toward those who hold different opinions..

Yes, I do, as reality agrees with me :) Thanks.

If you say so.

Unfortunately, demanding that a person with a disability stop inconveniencing you when you are living in someone else's home by their favour is indeed disproportionate.

OP has already indicated she's happy to ask him to keep it down and that he is unable to do so.

So the DD's demands can't be fulfilled.

The only option the OP would then have would be to unfairly exclude her disabled son from her life and further favour the DD.

She chooses not to do that in her own home.

There seems to be a deliberately ableist determination to refuse to understand that yes she can ask him to keep it down and no he will not always remember to comply and that it is not him being unfair or unkind, it is part of his disability.

Once we accept that simple reality the situation becomes clear.

OP is also being asked to make disproportionate changes to her own life, she is to creep to her own toilet after 7pm at night and even the front door opening in her own home after 7pm is apparently problematic.

Her choice therefore is between an inconvenience for her daughter (the baby is absolutely fine of course) or excluding and ostracising her son.

She has chosen not to exclude and ostracise her son, who she loves, because he has a disability that DD finds annoying, partly because given his disability this will damage their relationship and cause him distress.

So she can simply continue to allow her disabled son to visit a couple of times a week as they have happily done until DD started making demands that cannot be met.

The baby is fine, nobody lives in a cone of silence, it's not possible. If DD moves she will not find a silent home after 7pm anywhere else either, or if she can find that she should simply go.

The DD is being done an enormous favour and will have to learn to cope with the nothingburger of occasional noise in the OPs home in exchange for a free and safe place to live.

I don't think the OP is coming back anyway so I don't think it really matters who says what at this point.

I think we can acknowledge DS has a disability, the OP says he can't help being loud or heavy handed, but we won't get any answers to any questions about this.

I think we can acknowledge that some babies don't need a routine and they seem fine while other babies do need a routine and they can't just hop back into a routine the next day quite so easily if they've had a disturbance. The child is 1, statutory maternity leave will now be ending or have already ended, and if OPs DD is looking for work or is working then everybody getting some good rest is important.

And I think we can acknowledge that if OPs DD had a better living alternative available to her, she'd probably have chosen it because who wants to move back in with their parents after being independent unless there are serious circumstances that prevent living independently.

The OP doesn't have to do anything, but inaction will affect one child and action will affect another and compromise has to come willingly from all involved otherwise it just won't work. I don't think compromise is coming willingly, and neither do I think the DDs suggestions, which weren't demands, were disproportionate. Circumstances change, families grow and shrink and sometimes routines have to be changed.

Your the one misunderstanding people and getting on your high horse based on that. Enjoy your wild venting.

Goodnight.

Nope, that's now how his disability works. And it's not being inconsiderate to have a disabilty so maybe stop using bigoted language.

I dont think it would be right to stop the son coming over, not at all.
But reminding him as often as necessary to be considerate and quiet for the baby - absolutely.

If the son is living independently and working, he'll be able to learn to moderate his volume and be reminded to be considerate of other people.

If he is not capable of moderating his volume with reminders, that would be different, but I don't believe that's what the OP has described.

It's a preference to carry on as normal and not consider the baby sleeping or the daughter struggling to settle him/her. I don't believe that's considerate of the daughter or her baby at all.

Nah. OP is fine with her son and his disability and the tiny adjustments she has to make for him. Loves his visits and has a right to them in her own home. She's indicated she's happy to ask him to make less noise and he likely cannot comply.

So it is indeed inarguably extremely ableist to try to exclude him from his own loving mother's home where he only visits a couple of times a week, because you hate that he has a disability, refuse in a very ableist fashion to understand the simple reality that he may not be able to comply with DDs demands, and want OP to kowtow to her daughter.

Baby is fine, the noise situation is average and normal, people don't live in a cone of silence and OP has also had her DD trying to instruct her to creep around silently in her own home after 7pm.

DD is entitled and being done a huge favour, it's not her home and she will just have to learn to cope.

I agree she can ask him to keep it down, and should. But most seem to be ignoring the reality that he has a disability and may not be able to do so.

So the choice OP has made is not to exclude and ostracise him, particularly as she does not want to do that and loves her son and his visits.

The baby is fine and the DD is being favoured already by living there. The mother will have to learn to cope with normal life.

Oh and for those pretending they think there is some impact on the baby (you don't think that, obviously, nobody is quite that stupid) let's be exceptionally clear here - a baby being wakened up by noise, even if it was a few times a night (and it's not) is a nothingburger.

You are raging because OP is giving her son a little consideration, you loathe the reality that he has a disability and want OP to kowtow to her daughter to the detriment of herself and her son. It's her daughter who's upset, the baby is absolutely fine

I mean, you already all know this obviously :) Imagine a world where no dogs barked, nobody came home late, nobody fired up a car, nobody had other children in the house making noise and we all lived in a cone of silence 😅

Stop being hysterical. It's nonsensical and genuinely funny.

Night awakenings are extremely common and biologically normal in infants, studies on sleep fragmentation with much more persistent broken sleep than the occasional wake up a couple of times a week have found no negative impact on psychomotor, cognitive, language, or motor development in the first couple of years years from fragmented sleep patterns common in infancy.

And any negative associations you might be able to scrape up will be because babies who are woken up a lot at night (which is not the case here anyway) are generally living in disrupted homes with other issues.

As is NOT the case here.

Brief, occasional noise induced wakings do not equate to sleep deprivation or chronic fragmentation of sleep.

Babies' brains are resilient to normal environmental variations.

Ignore this attempt to sound like they give a shit about the baby, OP. They give a shit about winning the argument because you're not to be allowed to put yourself and your son on an equal footing with your daughter and her baby for whom you are doing an enormous favour.

So again, you're already massively favouring your daughter and her baby. Don't disrupt your lovely relationship with your son and your own life (as you are also expected to creep around in silence after 7pm) for your over entitled daughter.

If she doesn't like your normal, standard, uncontroversial way of life she can always leave :)

I think a mix of people are being unreasonable
your DD needs to realise that it’s your home and you enjoy your DS popping in as and when but when we stayed at my parents with small children we had a note we taped over the doorbell to say “ sleeping baby do not ring - please knock on window gently “ and this meant not only did the guest not ring the doorbell but it was a reminder to be quiet in the hallway until you get into the kitchen/living room with the door shut
if the child is woken up by voices through closed doors/walls then I agree that a white noise machine would really help - or a fan if it’s noisy

Yep. And that's why people shouldn't be saying that this baby is being harmed because it's disturbed a couple of times a week. The DD isnt likely to be there long term. Funnily enough after having a quick glance at that study they were assessing at 3 and 12 months. This baby is older than that anyway

I'm sure she's perfectly lovely, that still doesn't make an anecdotal evidence about one person significant.

Maybe she could have been a brain surgeon, maybe she was always going to be just how she is, maybe there were other influences (eg. Diet, genes, Good schools) that countered the negatives. That's why studies are done on large numbers, so other factors get averaged out.

if he can't (it's not won't it's can't for the anti disabled people on the thread) so be it.

Its not anti-disability to want people to be able to moderate their behaviour at times. Yes it is more difficult for some people to learn this than others, and depending on their individual abilities, some are going to find it impossible. But OP said herself that he can be quieter, but does not see why he should. That is a choice and a selfish one. Its not doing anyone any favours if people are not taught that sometimes they have to get along with others, if they have any chance of learning this. A young man who can live independently and hold down a job should certainly have the ability to learn skills like moderating volume.

What if having disturbed sleep fairly often impacts your infant grandbaby's neurodevelopment? Would you explain how important it is to respect that there's a sleeping baby in the house? Would you ask him to leave if he gets loud? Or have him use the bathroom before he comes over or visit out in the yard or elsewhere? This is avoidable.

This is a health and development issue. Your son will have to adjust his volume or go home. His disability does not entitle him to interfere with a baby's sleep. You can meet outside or elsewhere if he won't knock off the noise.

An infant cannot advocate for their needs, that's why adults need to do it for them.

Oh sorry I mean to add OP MUST NOT and CANNOT allow her daughter to disrupt her life when she and her son are doing nothing of note at all.

Obviously, despite a couple of people throwing hysterics about a standard method of emphasising words and phrases I will keep using any caps I feel like 😊 If that triggers you, there's something wrong with you - hope this helps 😎

Because her daughter and son are adults! They are not children!

Absolutely bizarre attitude to prioritise adults over an actual child being able to sleep.

And the personal abuse continues because you cannot make an argument.

OP has the right to live her own happy life and not shunt her loving son out of that normal, happy life. Babies take priority for their own parents, and to a point for others - but no. You cannot ask someone to upset, avoid or distance themselves from their own son - who let's be clear here has a disability - in order to favour you because you want them to do something nonsensical like make little to no noise in their own home after 7pm.

Just, no.

OP is already favouring the daughter and the grandchild and putting their needs above her own and her son's by allowing them very kindly to live in her home. It is actually nonsensical to expect people to creep around after 7pm in their own home and I can't believe the hysteria around this on this thread, the baby's development will be just fine 🙄. Babies are not rulers, kings and masters, nobody is smoking crack or letting an angry dog be in the room, the child is in zero danger and having to tolerate a little noise is absolutely totally and completely normal, and mother and baby will have to learn to live with it.

So, no. OP cannot live under her daughter's rule and MUST NOT allow her life to be disrupted like this. It is her home, this is a nothing thing, she simply wants to live a normal life in her own home and continue a happy relationship with her son, and nobody is being unfair to the daughter. Her daughter is being entitled and demanding.

If her daughter can't accomodate having to parent her own baby around normal, standard human behaviour then she can always leave. I would imagine, as I said, she'd find it problematic trying to enforce silence after 7pm anywhere else, she'd be in for a sad surprise.

So, no. OP is fine, son is fine, she can ask him to keep it down and if he can, great, and if he can't (it's not won't it's can't for the anti disabled people on the thread) so be it.

Their life is fine, daughter is receiving an enormous favour and must simply accept that real life is not people creeping around in their homes after 7pm because you demand it, for any reason.

OP is doing daughter and grandchild a huge and enormous favour, already favouring her, has a right to a normal life which includes more than just one child's wants, and has a right to see her son and include his needs in her life. She and the son are doing nothing wrong, it's just life.

Hope you're doing ok OP the nonsense on this thread has been pretty astounding tbh. Just keep on keeping on :)

Being able to moderate your volume is an important life skill.

If he starts getting louder remind him again and again. It isn't like he isn't capable.

(And as the sister of a special needs sibling, favouritism is often cloaked in "but he needs this and she doesn't need anything" type justification. All too often it is just favouritism.)