Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

YABVU and prioritising an adult over a small child

I agree with this, I think it's actually very insulting to your son to assume that because he is autistic he's not capable of being considerate. How is he going to function in a relationship?

No ,your daughter fits in with the household ..not the household fits in with the daughter.
Her brother is autistic and that is how he is ,and that is when he comes to visit.
Why should the whole world revolve around a visiting child .
Id probably ask him to come in quietly while the child is there
But that's normal household noise the child needs to get used to

It would be as important to me that my home is as open to my son as it is to my daughter. It would be very hurtful to have a visiting routine then find that closed because the sibling moved home. I think everyone needs to adjust a bit here. DD needs to accept that there will be visitors, though I do know what it's like to have a terrible sleeper. Maybe on the nights he visits she can go to bed early to read and have her baby tucked up next to her while she watches tv or reads or whatever. I used to do that with one of mine some evenings just to keep them asleep. It will improve in time. Meanwhile, I know it can feel endless.

The son needs to work on being quieter. You just have to keep reminding him. At this time of year you might be able to sit outside with him. He needs to try rather than not see it as his responsibility. That's not fair.

I think you need to empathise with both of them and find a way everyone can work together.

Have you genuinely never met people with SEN who talk loudly and never manage to moderate it no matter how many times you might ask them? OP knows him better than we do and this is how he is. It's a couple of nights a week and not for that long so I think the DD's immense suffering is being overegged. OP's probably not cock-a-hoop at having to live with them 24/7 but she's making it work and one of the conditions on her side is still having her DS over some evenings. Seems fair enough to me.

I dont agree with creeping about so a child doesn't wake up. If your DD isn't happy she gets her own place. But it's your house and you should prioritise as you see fit.

Gosh there are some really unpleasant people on this thread!

Some people struggle with knowing how loud they are autistic or not, my husband and also my grandad and my brother were/are terrible for this. Some people are just loud people. If you have an additional issue that means you struggle to understand normal acceptable social cues and expectations sometimes or all the time, i.e autism it's hard to remember or be aware.

Is he really waking the baby up though as from my experience babies sleep through a lot (I know all babies are different), or is it your daughters anxiety that he might disturb the baby?

Your daughter will be in for a shock if she has a second and then has to manage a wild noisy toddler while trying to get a new born to sleep something many many many of us have dealt with and got through.

Having said all that, everyone needs to compromise, it's lovely that both your children want to be with you in their family home, but they both need to respect it is your home. Your daughter is very stressed and tired but needs to be reminded many mothers live in much more noisy chaotic houses with new-borns and find a way to manage, that your brothers need to be with his mum in the evenings and for you to be with him, is a real and important one. Your son needs to be constantly reminded about how noisy he is, and be explained to about the great stress and exhaustion his sister is dealing with (very difficult to truly understand unless you have lived it) and to avoid using the loo as much as possible.

You all just need to sit down together and talk and compromise.

I was asking you a question it didn't need too many words, I mean you don't have to answer,.i was just wondering if people in real life spoke like you.

Why don’t you pop in to visit your DS instead in the evenings for the time being whilst your distressed DD and her baby come to terms with ‘a change in circumstances’

Is the GS also autistic? As it will be a raised risk. ..
My asd kids both slept extremely badly. And certainly 1 slept through less than 5 times by age 3.5yo.

i think the issue is hes making the noise but doesnt give a crap because he doesnt get the consequences…

i am constantly shhhing dc2 who has a projecting voice. Is only 11 though.

I think the problem with all the recognition of sen is how it is affecting siblings and classmates.
My dc1 more obviously affected with autism. But doesnt mean dc2 is doing ok they really arent.

perhaps he could facetime for a bit instead. Actions have consequences.
Unless you fancy being the one to go settle the gc every time the uncle wakes him?

Ultimately he is being a bit selfish as he probably could cone at different time sometimes but prefers /needs to keep his routine.

tbh you dont sound too empathetic of dd having to repeatedly go up to resettle the kid.

I said compromise, so I think he needs to keep working on being quiet, as it sounds like he is doing so, and I think that baby’s mum needs to work on supporting a child through sleep disturbances as it is so helpful to the child. I also don’t see where OP described her son’s voice as ‘booming’ but sure.

Can’t work out if you pressed “post” before you had finished writing 🤔

Are you really this harsh, in real life i mean?

So you think a baby needs to 'learn' to sleep with a loud booming voice, rather than he learn to speak more quietly

I suspect that the baby and your DD are emotionally struggling due to ‘the change in circumstances’ and being uprooted from their home.

I am sure you can find some compassion for your DD struggling on her own with a fractious baby and would also be some personal growth for your DS to cut them some slack at this challenging time - by showing some understanding and adapting to support others.

Surprised by these answers… she’s bringing up her baby in her mums home so she should really suck it up or move out

It doesn’t seem so 😢

It absolutely is. YABVVVU and your daughter and grandson are suffering because of his selfish behaviour.

That is not acceptable and there is no excuse for it.

As a mother who has a one year old who's also really hard to settle and gets woken up easily, I think your son is being very selfish. You've said he doesn't believe it's his responsibility to be quiet - is it not just basic respect to not wake the baby when visiting

I get that
I thought if she doesn't give a shit about her daughter, she might give one about her grandson.

Somebody coming into the house speaking and laughing loudly while a child or anyone is sleeping is being inconsiderate. And it sounds like the OP's ds is allowed to continue behaving whatever way he wants because he has autism - seen it before - doesn't help the autistic person develop skill to consider other people either.

I’d suggest he comes round before 7 when possible but if it’s after 7 then he doesn’t - you go to his.

You can ask your son to keep the volume down a bit OP ffs. The poor woman, she's obviously going through something for her to have had to move back home, sounds like she's a single parent and her own family are making things even more difficult for her by not even trying to be a little more quiet when she's trying to settle a baby

Your daughter can't expect you to never have anyone over after 7pm in your own home. She's going to have to get some white noise going and see if that helps.

Your son could be a lot quieter when he's visiting. Use his inside voice and so on. He's your son, but he's a guest and it seems like he has no care that there's a young baby in the house trying to sleep. That's basic consideration.

They both need to compromise. She can't be banning visitors and he needs to keep it down.

If he refuses to or just will not keep it down, then yes, I would restrict his visiting. Babies need sleep for brain growth, as well as other things. It's not a want, it's a physiologic need. Your son's loudness is interfering with that. Baby health comes before his visiting when you guys want.

Gosh there are some nasty ignorant people on this thread. How depressing.

There is room for compromise here OP. You say your son does not think it his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up. Autistic or not this needs addressing. I have an ASD teen and and ASD sibling. My sibling was never pulled up on this type of behaviour and sadly it is an attitude that has isolated them from most people in adulthood.

I make a lot of exceptions for my son (he is also loud and heavy handed) but he is capable of being taught expected behaviours in certain situations. He doesn't have to like it or value it the same way I do but he knows that there are certain behaviours that are necessary in order to function well socially.

Your DD is lucky that you are able to house her and her child due to her change of circumstances but she also needs to accept that doesn't mean upending your usual routines and setting new rules and expectations for everyone else. Your son should be welcome anytime. She needs to help baby learn to sleep through noise.

Ask your DS to text you when he is outside. Then you open the door quietly and prompt him to come in quietly. Sit and have a drink and encourage your son to just sit quietly for a bit on arrival so baby has chance to stay settled. I find if I talk in a hushed tone DS tends to follow. During week day evenings keep conversations low key and not to animated on either side. Ask your DS to go to the bathroom before he comes over. Most adults should be capable of sitting for a couple of hours without needing the loo.