Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

I don’t think it’s fair to judge others based on your experience of autism. I’m autistic and often my voice apparently gets louder. I say apparently as I am completely unaware and to me, I’m speaking at normal volume so it’s really confusing and annoying! It doesn’t mean I can’t control my volume normally, but sometimes I genuinely have no clue.

In this case, I’m sure OP knows her son best and whether he is being careless and selfish, or whether he is genuinely unaware.

She refers to him as a baby in the OP so I would imagine quite young

This attitude. How inconsiderate towards a single mother and baby. It's a very selfish attitude that he can't possibly turn his volume down a little bit

so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up

How old is your grandson @wildorangetruck ?

Both your adult children need to grow up. Your son needs to lower the volume and your daughter doesn't get to rule the roost because she has had a baby. Don't take sides.

"everything else" really? Trying to keep the volume down a little but while the baby is settling is not a big thing to ask fgs

Yes, it bloody is. I'm Autistic, as are my DC and we are perfectly capable of moderating our voices out of consideration for others.

You are all being unreasonable.

Your DD AND DGC are living with you for now. Your DD doesnt get to say when your DS can/cannot visit.

If your DGC takes so long to fall asleep at 7pm every night, then your DD really needs to think about changing bedtime to maybe 8pm or later. Theres no point being trying for hours to make a child sleep if they aren't ready to sleep. All babies are different, my 1st slept a solid 7pm-7am, my 2nd would only sleep 9pm-6am (any earlier or longer despite trying).

Your DS is being very selfish saying its not his problem. He has every right to pop in to see you as he wants but you can ask him to TRY and be a bit quieter. It may be difficult if he has a deep voice, but no one is asking him to stop talking or laughing.

What 'attitude'? He has trouble with voice regulation and is autistic.

Your daughter is in the wrong here. It's your home, not hers. That said, I would ask your son to try to speak a bit more quietly.

Your son's attitude is horrible.

This reminds me of when my fil used to visit while putting them to sleep. He shouts when telling us about his week, and always woke up the children. I kept asking him to please be quiet but he carried on the same. I ended up ignoring him at the door Sunday -Thursday.

When he arrives, could you say in a hushed voice, with your finger on your lips "Shhhh, come in, baby is trying to sleep"
Not that you need whispering but maybe his version of whiper would be softer and quieter?

@Lemonpandas Why should the whole world revolve around a visiting child .

Is not the adult son the visiting child?

However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.

He’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again

Your son needs to call earlier before your grandson goes to bed.

👏

I second the suggestion of your daughter using a sound machine in your grandson's bedroom. If he doesn't have one already it may take a bit of getting used to. We've always used one with our kids as we have a dog who barks at passing vehicles, and you never know when he's going to be set off! It's also handy as you can do things like hoover outside their bedrooms whilst they're asleep and not worry about waking them!

Your daughter is an adult. Tell her to have a word with her brother herself.

I agree...
You said of your son
would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home
but that seems to be OK for your DD? It doesn't sound fair to me.
She's had a change in circumstances, she has a 1 year old baby who has been unsettled by that change. It takes her ages to get him down to sleep and then your son walks in booming away and wakes him up, every time.

He doesn't live there, she does. Why is it OK to make that even harder for her just because your son can't or won't regulate his voice. If I were your DD, I'd find that really upsetting.

Her baby won't be 1 forever, she won't be with you forever.

Maybe talk to your son about this and come up with some work around. He can still be himself whilst learning to be a bit more considerate of others and regulate his volume occasionally.

I'm not convinced it's someone's fault if they have a baby who doesn't sleep well, or is a light sleeper...it's easy and lazy to just blame the mum's parenting skills though.
My kids slept fine - but I don't think that was down to any skill I applied and for people I knew who had kids who didn't sleep - well life was pretty tough for them - they had my sympathy not my judgement.

Well for you... I nearly ended up in hospital many times from sleep deprivation because my bow 2 year old would not sleep unless held and in silence.

My youngest will sleep through anything.

Sometimes you can't just turn the hoover on 🙄

She is helping out her daughter. A lot. It needn't be at the expense of everything else she wants to do.

No you shouldn’t stop him coming round but you should absolutely ask him to keep his voice down out of consideration. Autism or not, it’s just basic respect.

I completely agree! Great advice!

OP, there are some really unpleasant replies here so please disregard many of the comments.

It’s lovely that you have been able to help your DD and GS and you sound really caring - the fact that you are creeping to the toilet in your own home and worrying about your DS disturbing the baby etc. You obviously want to support your DD.

It’s also lovely that your DS wants to come around so often, and you seem to have a lovely relationship with him.

It is your home, and it is not appropriate that you are dictated to about what rules you should follow in your home, especially as you have opened your home up to both.

I would suggest a conversation between everyone to seek compromises. Your DD cannot dictate when you have visitors and your DS needs to keep working on his volume.

I hope you manage to find a solution.

Are you? Well I'd want to help out my daughter who is clearly going through a difficult period in her life atm 💁