Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

Just buy a white noise machine, your daughter may end up with really noisy neighbours so baby need to learn to sleep through noise.

I say this as an autistic woman, mother of an autistic child and sister if an autistic brother.

It is literally as simple as asking him to keep the noise down.

Autism might make it harder to track your volume, but it doesn't stop you caring about the impact on your family.

Well then don't move into her mother's if that's the case

My kids have all grown into responsible adults so I've hardly done that bad a job

It also does not mean that the DD has not had a lifetime of being made to compromise because of the sons needs. Maybe she has had enough.

Whatever it is, OP is in a rubbish situation, but as DS is the adult here, he is the one who has to compromise his behaviour a little.

There are some very smug people on here who have no idea what it can be like having a child who really doesn't sleep, no matter what you do. Some can learn to sleep through noise and that's great, but please accept that's not everyone's child.

This is the bit that stands out for me, as for many others apparently: However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up.

He's autistic and that certainly can make it harder to understand and regulate his volume control but it doesn't actually sound like that's the problem here. Maybe a bit of both.

I was in a similar position to your daughter once. Young and in my first job which involved night shifts and therefore sleeping during the day. I was working on moving out but London prices... My father was in the same job and also sometimes had night shifts and had to sleep through the day. It was always made clear to my brother and I that we had to keep quiet when he was sleeping during the day and we did, both out of consideration and fear of the consequences. When I started doing the same job, my younger brother was not expected to keep quiet during the day. He could and did have friends over and playing football loudly right below my bedroom window (there were other places they could have played), he would play loud music, shout etc. I was just told it's his house too. He never once tried any of this on the days my father would be sleeping. Does anyone actually think that's reasonable? It's 30 years ago now and I still remember and resent it - not because I'm petty (well maybe sometimes...) but because it was part of a wider pattern of favouritism. I think there's a good chance the same is true for your daughter.

If she's saying you can't have any visitors in the evening then obviously she's being unreasonable. If she's only asking that someone who you have admitted is loud and doesn't care if it disturbs a baby either keeps the volume down or doesn't visit then that's not really the same thing.

Let's put it another way - it seems your son lives independently although we don't know the details. If it's in a flat or let's say a terraced house with thin walls and his admitted loudness disturbs his neighbours and they complain, would you say they are unreasonable and should learn to live with it, use white noise to drown him out for example, or would you help him learn to be considerate of those around him? Because that could make his life much more difficult. Presumably he does have neighbours where he lives and they certainly won't appreciate someone apparently so loud. If it hasn't been a problem yet then it certainly could be at some point and somehow he will need to adapt to it. I don't think telling neighbours or landlords that he can't help it/doesn't think it's his responsibility is going to wash.

Anyone who has neighbours and has to go out to work early in the morning makes an effort to keep the noise down by not letting doors slam or talking loudly etc. because that's basic consideration for others. Your son is going to have to work on this to avoid potentially getting punched in the face one day by someone who doesn't give a shit about his autism. Do both your kids a favour her by helping him with this.

Not has the DD who has been allowed back into her mother's home, bringing a baby to cause disruption and then dictating her brother shouldn't come over

It is though. Drill it into him.

I know. Horrible

i see you weren’t handed out the empathy gene. Sucks for people in your life.

ever heard of respect and consideration? Probs not eh

And the OP has allowed her daughter and the baby to move in. Doesn't mean she should be dictated to

"There is no such thing as society." 🤑

Even Thatcher added "... there are families", though!

Christ. Imagine having you as a parent 🙄

However he's expressed it, he clearly doesn't think it's really that much of a problem or that it's his responsibility because he isn't grasping the thing that you and I might take for granted. We can presume and ask and declare it selfish etc. but he thinks differently and that fits with the inability to empathise on some level. 'He doesn't want to' might as well be 'He can't' or else he would be doing. Unless you expect him to become someone else who he isn't, when he's less likely to change than most men (who aren't famed for their ability to change).

Anyway, it's only 1-2 nights a week, so it perhaps it isn't that big of a deal. He's popping in to see his mum after work and she loves it. Yet he's the villain, while the DD who's landed on her mum 24/7 with a baby is the saint. I guess this is mumsnet, but OP is a mum too and is allowed to have him over if she wants, and having him means having him the way he is and always has been. If DGC goes to bed a bit later one night a week, that's the compromise of moving home.

Tough. Ever heard the saying beggars can't be choosers

Right? That poster must have forgotten that this "someone" is the OPs daughter and it's her own grandchild who's sleep is being disrupted.

WTF the daughter is clearly in a difficult situation made even worse by this selfish man child

Can't your daughter put the child down earlier so he's asleep by the time your son comes round?

I was totally on your daughter's side and kind of still am. But I have a son, I'm sure he's autistic too, who is naturally loud and no amount of trying to tell him to tone it down over the years works. Very heavy footed and a naturally loud talker. It's a tricky one but ultimately, a baby's needs come first. Even though he's not doing it on purpose, it's cruel to wake a baby, especially when it's not long after they've been settled to sleep. But I know how nice it is to have the older kids choose to visit and make you part of their day... But I'm definitely more drawn towards the baby needs to be priority.
Is there anyway he can be there through the day so the baby can get used to his sounds? Or maybe the baby isn't fully ready to sleep that early which is why it takes a while to settle them? Could dd maybe try doing it a little later and see how that goes?
I think it might take some gentle experimenting of trying to compromise to find something that works for everyone.

Where does he work where he can be as loud as he wants and not follow instructions?

WTF If she doesn't like it she can move. Fancy dictating to someone who they can have in their own house

Yep, it just reads like "I don't have to get the baby back to sleep so I don't care if I wake him up" awful attitude

“Have you genuinely never met people with SEN who talk loudly and never manage to moderate it no matter how many times you might ask them?”

The op suggests that it’s not because he can’t be quiet but that he doesn’t want to: “he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up” and that’s a big difference.

I understand you enjoy seeing your son but it feels like he's being made more important than everyone else in this scenario including you and everyone has to adjust for his convenience. Can he not make an effort to stop by during the day even if that means it'll be the weekend? Does he never want to see his nephew, or his sister when she's not frazzled? If he does come on his current schedule, could you chat outside, at least for now when nights are warm/hot? Could he use the loo before he comes? Your daughter won't live with you forever, and your grandson won't be a baby for long. Your son can make a little extra effort/take a little extra care right now for the sake of the family, even if that's harder for him than it might be for a neurotypical person.

I would ask my autistic/adhd son to try and remember to be quiet around a sleeping baby, and he's 9