Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

How about ringing the changes for a while and have OP put baby to bed/resettle baby: see what happens?

I do feel for the OP, I wouldn't be overly inclined to ask the son to restrict visits as once he gets out the habit it might never return even after the daughter moves on.

Probably the most sensible course of action is a white noise machine and steer him to wherever in house will be quieter for the baby. Even out to the garden for a cup of tea as it’s so lovely I. The evenings.

Of course he could modify his behaviour, to be quieter. He may be autistic, but he’s still an adult, capable of working. Stop making ridiculous excuses for him.

Babies need sleep. Maybe get the baby used to quite loud white noise.

It just doesn't work like that. Many of these mothers won't have another child because of this issue with the first. Others are the ones who seem to have gone a bit mad! Certainly my first child's sleeping issues made me ill and I ended up on medication for it.

My first finally started sleeping at about 3.5, at which point I hadn't had more than a couple of hours at a time since she was born. She went from that to becoming an amazing sleeper, not waking once in the night from noise or any other source. I decided then to take the chance on another so I have about five years between the two. Wouldn't have even considered another if number one hadn't started sleeping. Number two was completely different, always slept well to the point that I asked a doctor at a check up if it was normal. I was so confused to have a baby who slept that I thought there might be something wrong with her.

I was the same as number one, to be honest, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise. But does anyone think that my mother or I didn't try absolutely anything and everything in sheer desperation? That we didn't try training them to sleep through noise among other things? Some will, some won't. It's not about quality of parenting or not trying. It's just how some kids are.

The baby's bedtime is the DDs issue. Yes he could be quieter but it's still not the DDs house to whinge about it.

If she had next door neighbours in a tower block crashing and banging and lift doors opening and closing all even she's going to have to put up with that noise as she wouldn't be able to dictate to her neighbours either

No just when it’s the babies bedtime.

Yes, people seem to overlook the fact that DD did not jump straight to him not coming over - she has asked it because when he does he is not making any effort to keep the noise down. And while it is harder for some ND people to understand the impact of their behaviour on others, being autistic does not mean you dont care about other people or act totally selfishly - some of the kindest people I know are autistic. The son has clearly shown he does not feel this request is important, and this is the crux of the problem.

But he's not at his mother's 24/7

How do people like the OPs DD cope when they have a second child. It is pretty typical where I’m from to have 3/4 + children and people who have lots of kids have babies who get used to noise.

I’d be totally intolerant of the PFB of this BS.

I think your son needs to make an effort to be quieter if it's after his nephews bedtime, but also your daughter could make an effort to get the child used to background noise.

If he got used to sleeping with the radio on maybe it would make the other household noise less noticeable

It's your hous and you want your DD to feel welcome when he pops in to see you. Don't put a limit in his visits. You must have a great relationship with him if he pops in to see you often. Your DD and her DC will just have to accept the hospitality you have offered her and not try to dictate her brother's visits. The grandchild will get used to his uncle.

The son is taking the piss more. DD is not reasonable but is frustrated about her very young child. DS is just a selfish knob

Is it out of order to point out that anecdotally, when parents get older and need support from kids, it is almost universally the daughter who steps up? Not the sons and probably even less likely in the case of an autistic son. This isn't a value judgement, there are often many reasons why this is the case but it is nonetheless what happens in the vast majority of cases. Parents with a history of favouritising sons over daughters might do well to remember that sometimes we reap what we sow.

I realise this may not be a helpful comment because the thread wasn't originally about favouritism, and my view that it is probably at the heart of this issue is obviously coloured by my own experience, but I see it a lot at work too and so am hyperaware of it.

While I think they should all sit down to have a discussion and try to resolve the issue, I do agree that many are posting as if this happens every night instead of maybe once or twice a week.

Obviously, no one wants a bad sleeper woken, and OP can work with her DS to regulate his volume with reminders and prompts, but the DS isn’t there 5 or 6 nights a week.

I think the white noise machine is a great idea. The DD could be in a flat next with noisy neighbours every night, so it might help for the future too.

Hope you’re ok OP. This thread hasn’t brought out the kindest responses in many.

The son refusing to be quiet because the baby isn't his responsibility is taking the piss, so selfish and mean spirited.

While I feel for your DD, I think she is being very entitled. She is there temporarily and is dictating what everyone else in the house is doing. I get her frustration with DS but suggesting he doesn't visit for fear of disturbing her child is very wrong. It seems the implication is that you also are not allowed have friends visit or play music or laugh in your own home? Is that really how you are all living your lives right now, tiptoeing and whispering all evening from 7pm? If so that is ridiculous. The baby needs to adapt and that's no simple matter but the issue lies with the child's noise sensitivity. Dd needs to find strategies that work. If she lived anywhere else she might have neighbours slamming car doors or noisy birds or delivery trucks. She can't silence the world for her child

No I'm not suggesting it. I'm saying she's been fortunate enough to be taken in and obviously disrupted her mother's household ( impossible not to with a baby) but dictating to her on top is taking the piss

If you dont have people who can help you, that is tragic for you. A lot of those people end up homeless. Are you suggesting that should have happened here? You are being really nasty about this poor woman.

Exactly my thought. 5 people in my second bedroom would be impossible

And what the hell do you think people who don't have family do when the shit hits the fan. They can't go running to mummy

That's by the by but if you are fortunate enough to have someone house you then you don't dictate to them

Probs for the best then.

Sorry that you experienced this from your brother and your needs were not acknowledged or supported by your parents.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and abusive men keep women awake to punish an torment.

Its really sad here that these basic needs of a single mother doing the best for her baby is being dismissed by her own mother.

Well they wouldn't be able to as I don't have the room so that's not an option

Hope your children never get into a situation where they’re forced back home with you. Lost your partner and can’t afford bills or mortgage? @Thechaseison71 will tell you to stop whinging and suck it up

Dont be ridiculous. We dont know the circumstances but plenty of people have to move in with family after a difficult situation and literally have no other options.