To not want to hear comforting platitudes

What's worked for me:

That's shit
I'm so sorry, I don't know what else to say
Would you like to talk about him?
Just a hug and silence

IMHO most of the rest of it is about someone being uncomfortable with your pain and therefore trying to make it go away instead of just sitting with it. But people don't get this unless they,ve been bereaved themselves.

See, when I was dealing with a loss your "how are you feeling?" question would have utterly pissed me off, because it's fucking stupid. I mean, people are grieving we know how they feel. Of course I wouldn't be crass and say anything to your face, but would think you were a tool thereafter.

There is no right thing to say to someone in these situations, as we can see from this thread.

I m very sorry for you. My dad died suddenly 5 years ago and nothing anyone said helped. I was just a mess. I really didn't want food offerings from people (could not eat) or flowers (having to find vases then watch them die) and comforting platitudes don't help. " he was a good man,"
Yes I bloody know that it's why I m a mess now.
"He wouldn't want you to be so upset " ok great I ll just turn off the tears then.

Only time will help. Cry when you want. Rage when you want. I m still angry sometimes at the suddenness of it and no time to say goodbye.

Yanbu at all

I’m amazed anyone dares open their mouths at all really (though they get told off if they don’t, too).

Well yes, in an ideal world people would indeed put their big girl pants on but in the real world, people haven’t had the experience and don’t know what to say because they haven’t been there themselves.

this

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to say "no it isn't comforting to hear that at all". I understand not knowing what to say but let's be honest there are no real comforting words straight after such a sudden loss. It's very shit thing to happen I think it would be better if people just said I really don't know what to say.

Couldn’t agree more -

But there's nothing remotely comforting to the OP about alluding to an imaginary afterlife with the OP's dead relatives floating around on a pastel cloud, and in which the 'comforter' may not even believe themselves. It's purely a matter of 'I can't cope with your grief that your dad has died suddenly and you will never see him again, and it is unbearable.' See also 'He's in a better place', 'Only the good die young' etc etc.

I think part of handling grief is also handling what other say to you during it, unfortunately. There is no one size fits all language, so I think it's unreasonable to chastise people for saying the 'wrong' thing, just because it wrong to you.

Of course if someone is saying something overtly insensitive and inappropriate, then it's reasonable to say something, but not when something is genuinely well meaning.

not dreadful at all. My late husband knew loads of local people through his job and i couldn't go into local shops without meeting someone who wanted to talk to me. I had what Virginia Ironside called "the rage of bereavement" and it took a lot of self control to stay polite and just say "I can't talk about it" BTW her book "You'll get over it" pulls no punches but was of great comfort to me.

No sorry, but this is a cop out. People say this stuff because they feel uncomfortable or want to offer something - which is all about their feelings, not the bereaved persons. It awful and uncomfortable but you put your big pants on and deal with your discomfort to support the other person.

I hope that you have some support and you definitely are not wrong at all for the way you are feeling. Take everything at your own speed, tune them out and just remember your lovely Dad.

My Dad passed after a 5 yr battle with oesophageal cancer and the ones I would constantly get is “least he isn’t in pain” and “he wouldn’t want to see you upset”. No he would to be alive free of cancer. I get that people don’t know what to say but it was absolutely nauseating to have every cliche said to me at the most busy time (planning a funeral) and then when all said and done, silence. Nobody there at all. Unfortunately with grief it’s incredible personal and there is not one size fits all. Just be kind to yourself

Do what you need to. Pre-empt it. “It’s great to hear from you X, but before we start chatting I just need to let you know, loads of people have said “he’s with your mum, it’s a comfort, etc etc “ and I am finding that really distressing.

people say stuff like this because they are uncomfortable and don’t know what else to say. The best thing anyone said to me was “this is shotty. I am so sorry you are going through this’.

People are just trying to be nice at a time when words don’t really help. When my sister died people said all sorts to me but I didn’t really focus on the words as much as the sentiment.

Anger Is a natural emotion that you go through when grieving.

Just say thank you and move on.
People want to say something to help you but of course nothing they say will, so just give them the benefit of the doubt. They mean well.

Agree. I loathe ‘flying high with the angels’

So sorry about your Dad OP. I must admit, I can’t bear it when people say “ stay strong”. Why the hell should you?! Someone I know has cancer & her Facebook is full of posts saying “ stay strong”, “keep fighting” etc etc.
Having said that, it is very difficult for a lot of people to know what to say around serious illness & death.

Unfortunately our society and culture is incredibly ill equipped to deal with death and grief as we are not set up for it and shy away from it. Instead of asking how you are doing and sitting in your discomfort, people say silly, irrelevant things to make themselves feel better. It’s an acknowledgement at least but a poor one. I lost my dad 4 years ago and my advice is hold on to your raw grief for now. As odd as it sounds I miss that feeling bc it made me feel closer to him. I miss him so much, it’s not easy. Most people don’t understand especially if you are quite young. We watched my dad die in his final week and it was quite a revelation to me, how little we understood about death. Write it all down, try and capture how you feel in this moment because believe or not you won’t feel like this forever. Lots of love

It is difficult to know what to say, but ultimately less is more.

People feel the need to offer something to make you feel better, and I think that comes from both the genuine desire to make you feel better and their own discomfort from being around death and grief. Nothing can make you feel better. Grief is a natural process that can't be made better, I think it's fine if you can gently say that you don't want to hear those things right now.

People are dicks at the best of times and in a difficult situation there are always going to be awkward people who say awkward things. I think going with the spirit of what people are trying to express rather than getting angry at their poor wording might help you. Or not. I am in your club too and nothing anyone can say at this time will help with the pain. Only time. So sorry. 💐

Honestly just appreciate that they care and mean well and ignore the specific sentiment if it doesn't land well.

@ZooblesSpringToLife

Just want to add that there is a dedicated bereavement board on MN and supportive thread to those who have lost parents too.

So sorry for your loss OP. I would find that an infuriating thing to hear.

Not only it assumes you believe in some kind of afterlife where dead people are all hanging out (why would anyone assume you believe that unless you're a devout Christian or something?), but also because I think very few people actually believe that themselves, so it isn't genuine.

All the best

I'm sorry you are going through this. My dad died recently a few weeks after being diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. It is absolutely brutal and you will feel anger and lots of different strong emotions. It doesn't help that there is a lot to sort out after someone dies, and that is a huge stress in itself when you are already feeling utterly awful.

I'm six months on and it is easier - your emotions settle a bit more, but I still feel very sad and miss him everyday. I think people mean well, but looking back before my Dad died I could understand it would be painful, but not how it really felt. I may have said stupid things too, but I meant well. Just try to remember that people do want to ease your suffering, but sometimes it takes experiencing loss yourself to really know how to do it well.