AIBU to feel guilty about not moving closer to ageing parents?

A 2 hour flight isn't that far really; it takes me a couple of hours to travel by train to my Mum's house (or 1.5 hours drive) and that's travelling within the same county. My siblings live an 8 - 14 hours flight away from our Mum. Realistically it would take them a full day or two to get to her house in an emergency. I'm looking at moving closer to my Mum now she's in her 80s, but we have no children to consider and we'd be moving to a cheaper area for housing, so they'd be benefit to both sides.

A lot of projected deprivation going on there 😄
No one owes their parents elder care, or uprooting your life, your children's lives and your husband just to be an unpaid carer to parents who are free to arrange their own future elder care.
You already visit them tonnes, your responsibility is to your kids.

I think, as they are in their 70s and have no chronic health problems, it may be too soon/ unnecessary to think about uprooting your own family here. It doesn’t sound like they actually need you close by at the present time. But in your shoes what I would do is use this time when they don’t need you to open up discussions with them and your sister (as she’s also abroad) to talk about what will happen when they get older and do need more help. Don’t leave your sister out of the equation. It’s not easy caring for elderly parents and the load should be shared wherever possible.

At 70 I don't think you need to be too worried about they needing help . Unless they have some conditions . Have they even asked you to do this ? In ten years time maybe because your kids would be older and a bit more independent. But is there any need to move permanently. Can't you spend extended time there if necessary. Also sounds like it is easy to get there. I know from my own family that no one expects DC to move countries for care needs . Very common for DCs to be in Australia, USA and Europe at any time .

are you happy with your DC in an over full class?
How come they are already in, if it's so full, why wouldn't they allow them in again?
Are there other schools nearby? Could you stay away until secondary?

Just some questions to mull over.

Yes absolutely. I was a teacher. Some schools will try to dissuade you by talking about having to take them off roll etc but what a recommend is to join the world schooling Facebook group because they can give you precise advice about this.

If you take your DC out of school for a year you will be taken off roll. You will need to apply for a place when you come back. If undersubscribed school you should be okay, if full could be difficult but if KS2 they might be able to squeeze them in.

Sounds like you can get to your parents quicker than we can get to in-laws and they live in this country!

Is there good healthcare/elderly provision in their country

How old are your parents and how is their health?

Do you want to live there long term? If your parents weren’t around, would you be thinking of moving?

Do your parents want you to be closer? Even when you have a great relationship,
people don’t always want their adult
children moving nearby as they age, as they feel surveilled. And a lot of people really resist being helped at all as they get older.

We moved to be near my widowed mum when DC was 7. We moved partially also because we wanted to try living in my home county, and there was no language barrier for anyone. I’d always had a good and close relationship with my mum, and we were looking forward to spending time with her.

It was a LOT more complex than I had anticipated - my mother needed much more help than any of us had realised, to the extent that it was not possible for me to hold down a job in between settling my child in to a new school / house / country and taking care of my mother with mobility issues and cardiac problems and emergent cognitive decline (which included such surprises as late onset secret alcoholism, getting into car accidents, all sorts of alarming stuff). Keeping her house safe and liveable, and trying to get her appropriate treatment in a health system I’d never navigated as an adult was very challenging, and she became so needy of my time (while also wildly, violently resistant of my help) that my DH and DC hardly got any of my attention for months.

My mother died very suddenly less than 2 years after we moved - and I can tell you the guilt of that happening ‘on my watch’ was possibly worse than if I hadn’t been there at all, as the family had all been counting on me to sort out all her issues, keep her compliant with her meds, etc.

We’re OK here now because we like the place and have friends and a community - but I imagine if my husband and child had been struggling in a new language and culture while I was tied up with unexpectedly complex and harrowing elder care it would have been very, very hard.

Equally - and this feels awful to say - if my mother had lived another 5 or 10 years refusing all outside help, it would have totally consumed my life and had a profoundly negative effect on my own family.

The vision that brought us here involved DC having a close relationship with his gran, extended family weekend outings, our being on hand to change lightbulbs for my mum and take her bins out. I didn’t anticipate having to have her driving license revoked or constantly check she hasn’t left the gas cooker on, or discovering cupboards full of maggots because she’s put an open tin of cat food in with her best china.

So I do think there's a lot to be said for taking the opportunity to have a year out. There is so much educational value in doing that, a good school with recognise its value.

I do think you need to forget the guilt stuff and just be very practical.

Start to look into how your parents will cope as they need more help. I'm assuming you are an only child, but do you have siblings who are nearer?

I don't know if it's appropriate yet but is in-home care available in your home country, they may not need it yet but how open to outside would your parents be? What happens when one dies? Horrible, but these things happen, you never know if or when, and dealing with it when everyone is in shock, grieving, possibly in ill health and at a distance is far worse if you haven't got some plans in mind.

As PPs say, you have no idea what will be involved, so you have to be ready for a whole lot of events which may not happen. In our case FIL died suddenly in his mid 80s, MIL lived another 11 years then we had two very difficult years when she developed Alzheimer's. My DF is still living independently at 93!

I have friends who were working all week and travelling 300 miles at weekends to deal with parents.

Sorry, no easy answer, just plan. Guilt won't help, just do your best and understand that it might not be easy

Judging by family experience, 13 is too late to move countries with a child. It becomes very unsettling for their sense of belonging. Personally I think you have a very balanced mix and you spend long stretches of time in your parents’ home in any case. Most people drive each other nuts after a few days so you’re doing very well to last 5 weeks! Your children will also associate your grandparents with quality, holiday time rather than being there as back up childcare.

I wonder whether life is almost going too well at the moment and you’re scratching an itch to worry? I wouldn’t trade your work-life balance for living permanently near your parents for arguably not much more ‘quality’ time.

OP, you are not responsible for your parents, and you have to put your own life first - as any parent would want their adult child to do. If they need care in the future, I assume they will be able to access it in their own country. Yes, one day something will happen to them and you won't be there - but that could also be the case if you lived 5 minutes away.
Stop feeling guilty and enjoy the life you have.2

How old are your parents and do they have any specific health issues at the moment? How far away is your home country and how quickly could you be there in an emergency?

This isn't just about you and your DPs OP. You have a DH who presumably has a family of his own and who doesn't speak your language, whereas you speak his, so it makes absolutely no sense for you to drag your whole family to your home country. In addition, you couldn't do your highly paid job there and what would your DH do in a country where he doesn't speak the language?

You see your DPs every two months, which is more often than I see mine (we all live in the same country). Honestly, I think you need to make your peace with this. Many people don't live near their DPs, including in the same country, and even those that do don't always see them often. Guilt is a pointless emotion.

Brilliant, thanks.

What about your DH parents though, if you move you would have the same problem in reverse

What about your DH’s parents? Are they in the picture?

It’s tough, but it is coming across to me that it is about you & your family, not your DH’s family.

If this is something that you and your DH are in agreement about, then now, at their current age, is a good time for your dc to move, as they will have time to assimilate.

But I very much agree with others, this needs to be about what is best for you, your DH & your dc.

Mine are 8 and 5. If you and DH are happy to give it a go, just do it. I don't know which country you are from but you can surely make it lovely for them with clubs, activities etc. My DH is from France and he would like us to move to the south of the UK so we can be closer to his mum. We are going to go on a camper holiday to see if we fall in love with somewhere.
However my kids are home educated.

Some families travel for a year, and you are allowed to take them from school for that, so you could take that angle. You could have your parents house as a base for a year of adventure and exploration. Try that and look up world schooling.