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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel overwhelmed when my partner keeps going out after having a baby?

58 replies

13062804DT · 28/06/2026 11:27

Me and my partner had our DS 9 weeks ago. We’re engaged to be married. We’re both in our early 30s. DS is the best thing to ever happen to me, to say I’m besotted with him is an understatement but I’m starting to feel overwhelmed.

My partner is part of a bowling team that plays torments so he is out of the house one evening a week for practice from around 5pm to 11pm. The word cup is on, so currently every time England plays he is out of the house at the pub watching England and stays at his friends house over night (due to drinking). He, of course, is working Monday - Friday in the day so some days I’ve been caring for our DS all day, then he’ll toddles on out all evening to do his hobbies, on the flip side when he finishes work and he stays home I ask him to do a feed or a nappy and he groans and says he’s tired from working all day. He does do it, but I have to ask. I had a much needed relaxing bath the other day which had to be cut short because DS wouldn’t stop crying for me and he couldn’t cope with his crying.

I am so disappointed because this isn’t the person I thought I was going to be marrying and I certainly wouldn’t have had a baby with him if I knew I’d feel so alone after having our much wanted baby. I spent another night last night alone all night, it’s coming on midday and he still isn’t home because he decided to do a car boot, another one of his hobbies.

I think I know what the answer may be, I’m just here to vent.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 28/06/2026 12:28

Moonnstarz · 28/06/2026 11:31

It's hard to gage the extent he is out, bowling once a week and when England play (which is once a week?) doesn't seem too much.

I think maybe you need to go out of the house when you give him the baby. You said you cut your bath short as you could hear DS crying. The more you intervene the less your partner will try to help as he will view himself as incapable or that you think he can't cope so what's the point in bothering.

Ok but she is exhausted by the time he is willing to take the baby so how is she supposed to go out? That wouldn’t be restful or restorative.

MakeItToTheMoon · 28/06/2026 12:21

Why can’t he watch the football without drinking so much?! Surely he can watch the football and come home. Especially if he’s working during the week and then attending practice…. How is he meant to bond with his child if he hardly spends time or wants to do anything for baby.

laurini · 28/06/2026 12:12

Yep, that's very shit of him. YANBU. I'm sorry.

Lifejigsaw · 28/06/2026 12:12

Please don’t be tempted to make excuses for him like a PP. this won’t magically get better. Call it out now and force him to step up or step out, or you’ll in 5 years you’ll be a resentful mother of multiple wondering wtf happened.

the longer he gets away with it the harder it is to ever change it

Topjoe19 · 28/06/2026 12:08

It's unacceptable to you & you are overwhelmed and that it all that matters. I personally would have also found that unacceptable, you need support right now & he's not providing it.

Have you had a really honest conversation with him? Being tired after work is absolute bullshit as well, I would have no patience with that he needs to suck it up.

SunnyRedSnail · 28/06/2026 11:56

@13062804DT this is quite normal for a man after birth as they don't have the same hormonal reaction.

You've carried the baby for 9 months, become very attached, your hormones have been all over the place, so when the baby is born you then just carry on with the attachment and constant thoughts of looking after the baby.

Men just deliver the sperm and that's it, so it's quite normal for them to feel totally overwhelmed and often useless once a baby is born. They have to re-train their brains to think of more than just themselves.

My DH isn't always the best when it comes to our 3 kids. Even 15.5 years later he is often still in single bloke mode, and whereas my brain is constantly thinking what the kids need, his brain thinks about motorbikes, his dog, what's on TV, whether there is cold beer in the fridge...

You need to speak to him about it, tell him how you're feeling, and tell him what you need from him. One night out a week doing his hobby is fine to be fair. But drinking so much when England play that he has to stay over at a friends house isn't really acceptable. He should be able to just have a beer then drive home.

HollyGolightly4 · 28/06/2026 11:32

I think you do know what the answer is 😪. I'm sorry, I've just had a baby and I can't imagine how this would feel. You're doing amazingly. Have you got support from other people?

Moonnstarz · 28/06/2026 11:31

It's hard to gage the extent he is out, bowling once a week and when England play (which is once a week?) doesn't seem too much.

I think maybe you need to go out of the house when you give him the baby. You said you cut your bath short as you could hear DS crying. The more you intervene the less your partner will try to help as he will view himself as incapable or that you think he can't cope so what's the point in bothering.