AIBU to feel overwhelmed when my partner keeps going out after having a baby?

Yeah, he's being a shitty husband and a shitty father. Going out one evening a week would be OK if he pulled his weight otherwise, but he doesn't. He could watch the World Cup matches at home but he doesn't want to do that and getting so drunk that he doesn't come home is disgusting. You would probably be better off as a single parent as, hopefully, other people would rally round to help you. His awful and selfish behaviour could tip you into post-partum anxiety/depression.

You don't get to live the life of a carefree, single person when you have children. That's the simple rule.
Another rule is that you don't get to call yourself a parent if you aren't fulfilling the role, duties and responsibilities of a parent.
Don't get married.
Don't have any more children with him.
Make your choices now - wishing you all the best for the future.

The bowling and the football isn’t an issue in my eyes.

Moaning about doing a nappy and you having to cut your bath short because he can’t cope with the baby is.

I would say find some time where you can leave them alone together so he HAS to step up and deal with all the mundane parts of being a parent to a newborn, but at the same time, when my baby was 9 weeks old I didn’t want to be apart from them at all!

The fact he doesn’t want to engage with the baby, do the nappies and feeds, and spend time with the baby (i.e choosing to go to a car boot when he could be home) is what would worry me. I get that men dont have the same hormonal connection that mothers do in the early weeks/months, but he should still be in a love bubble with his baby and want to embrace his new role as a dad, so the fact he isn’t doing that/feeling like that is something that needs to be addressed.

I presume he wanted a baby? If so, he needs to understand that his life has to change. He needs to grow up and accept that fatherhood brings change and responsibilities. Shame he didn't realise that before.

@Marycontrarygarden "Did you discuss what life would be like with a baby before you had one?"

This. Did he really want a baby OP? You say he isn't the man you thought he was so are these hobbies and self centred lifestyle new since you gave birth? Either way, here you are and I think it's safe to say that he isn't likely to change.

I agree with this I will also add

Stop cutting your bath etc short. Yes baby is crying thats dads job to work out and learn how to cope with.. much like you had to learn.

Actually go out without your child and leave dh in charge. Sont leave detailed instructions get him to work it out

Laslty he is a parent now you will be tired regulalry for the next 18 years or so. Also something to learn to cope with.

However dont rescue him do not become the expert on the baby

Spot on.

OP my DS1 was born in a major football tournament month. DH watched loads of football - sitting in our living room feeding or winding DS.

He needs to be told he is out far too much. I can be very petty and if he was mine I’d be making his life considerably harder to make a point. Do you do his laundry? If so, stop right now.

He needs a reality check. Time for him to man up and accept he can’t maintain the same lifestyle after having a kid. Time for you to have a serious talk with him.

I think there are 3 issues:

1. his going out. Once a week for bowls is, I think, absolutely fine- though you should also be afforded time to yourself to spend as you please. Going out to watch some matches- again, fine. But he does not need to get so drunk that he has to stay with his friend, and/or is incapable of doing much the next day. He can go out sometimes, but he doesn’t need to drink to the point of being leathered. It’s not fair on you/your son (and bad for his health).
2. His reluctance to pull his weight with your DS/household chores is unfair. Yes, he is out working all day and he may well be tired. But that’s life, he has a child and he needs to take on his share of that workload. He is entitled to time to himself- as are you- it’s necessary to have things outside work, chores and childcare. But, he has to shoulder his share of the work too.
3. it sounds like he may lack confidence in being able to care for your DS as well as you do/feel you don’t feel he cares for DS well/correctly/doesn’t do it “right”- which then leads to him to back off/be less willing to do his share of childcare. Essentially, because he feels he doesn’t get it right (possibly true) which makes him feel useless and possibly feels that you are annoyed/disappointed/critical of him (may also be accurate), he then avoids it further to limit those feelings. If that is true- and I’ve seen it up close- it’s not an excuse for what is happening, because you shouldn’t feel lonely and abandoned, it’s just that the remedy is different from if it’s just that he is being deliberately incompetent. None of us can say which it is, though. I do think sometimes we make a rod for our own backs by taking over when the baby doesn’t settle etc- it can send the message (unintended/subconsciously) that they aren’t any good with their babies/toddlers and many men will back off and then they never learn how to do it/create the same bond that would develop if they more hands on. Which then perpetuates the cycle. It’s hard, but you just have to not step in/be critical/direct him to do things as you would- let him find his feet and learn how to manage. It might mean having some crying/baby not settling etc when can be hard for all 3 of you- but if you always intervene if the baby is upset/won’t settle etc, you’ll end up being the default forever.

I think you have to sit down with him and discuss how you feel, that you are hurt, upset and exhausted. Tell him how you feel and ask for changes. If he won’t listen and/or is not open to making changes, then you have your answer.

It’s only normal from a deadbeat, selfish waste of space.

My children’s father was NOT like this, nor my daughter’s husband.

OP, do not marry this man or give him any ultimatums regarding the marriage as he could well change his behaviour in the short-term before reverting back to the selfish arse he sounds like.

Really sorry you’re going through this but a lot of men want to continue to live a responsibility-free life after having a baby as well as thinking it’s your job to do all the baby stuff because he ‘works’!

Good luck!

Completely ageee with @whippersnapper55 especially

I would honestly have no respect for a man who doesn't enthusiastically look after his own children

Did you miss the bit where this prince amongst men "groans" when he is asked to change his child's nappy?

Or the bit where he's been out all night and hasn't come back yet because he's doing a car boot?

The best advice I can give you is to be very clear that when he's at home, the baby is 50% his job as well - that means feeding (unless EBF) changing, bathing, playing, winding, settling to sleep and walking the floor rocking him for hours if needed. And make sure he does it and tell him you're tired too, it's not a competition, you are both the baby's parents and it's just as much his job to take care of him as it's yours. Don't be apologetic, don't ask if he can take the baby 'for you' like he's doing you a favour and come down hard on any complaining.

The other things I would say you need to do is go out and leave him in sole charge as early as possible. Do it little and often if you're feeding. He needs to learn to manage the baby's needs on his own, just as you have done. Mothers don't have some magic formula, we learn through practice, trial and error. Fathers can do this too but they have to be given the opportunity. Don't allow him to be an incompetent parent - or you will end up doing everything because he's happy to let you. Start the way you mean to go on!

There's nothing wrong with him having hobbies and going out, as long as there's equity and you get to do that too. Tell him you're happy to support his activities but it's a two way street!

I say this as a mum of 5 who's husband did everything for our babies except breastfeeding! I would honestly have no respect for a man who doesn't enthusiastically look after his own children 🤷‍♀️

One night a week is fine and you both need that
england footy is just bad timing
you need to step back give him the reins more he’ll never learn to cope if you are hovering around
he likes car boots send DS with him in a sling

At what? once a week and 3 England games?

Don't marry him. Dont have any more children with him.

I typed this on an identical post yesterday.
If he’s not already stepped up he never will.
Ditch him before the resentment kills the relationship.

If you can't see the problem you need to look harder.

Ignore this post OP, there is NOTHING normal about your partner's lack of engagement with his child. He "groaned" at having to change his child's nappy??? WT actual F.

Did you discuss what life would be like with a baby before you had one?

He needs to get to the point he is able to parent his child so you can go out. You facilitate this and he steps up. No getting out of the bath, no dealing with it because he can’t handle the crying (ffs), he needs to learn to handle things. Your child has two parents. Both parents deserve a life away from the child for various activities, it’s healthy. Set these boundaries in place now or you will have a miserable existence getting more resentful, while his life will carry on as it always has..
ps I hope you are getting married soon, so you have more financial protection.. just saying..

No expectations from men, extraordinary high expectations from women = internalised misogyny.

My DH was absolutely nothing like the OPs DH we have 3 children.

Seriously once a week for a hobby and then when England is on? They've played 3 times. I cannot see the problem at all

Please set boundaries now because this will only get harder.

Going out for bowls once a week is perfectly reasonable.
Going to the pub for the World Cup is at least only going to be for a limited number of times (even if England get to the final). Can you suggest he invites friends round to watch it at yours instead so at least he doesn't stay away overnight (although you might consider that to be a worse option)?

the main issue is that he moans about looking after his own child.
Firstly you need to spell out (by giving a blow by blow account of your day if necessary) that you are not sitting about at home sunning yourself while he is at work.
When my DC were small I suggested to my DH that he took responsibility for bath and bedtime. I said this would help with bonding and allow him to spend quality time with his child, although the actual main reason was to give me a break :) It also meant I had baby free time to get on with cleaning the kitchen after dinner etc, so I could literally sit down once baby was in bed and didn't have to do housework.

he couldn’t cope with his crying.

Tell him you can't cope with him being a drunken deadbeat. Keep your financial independence, and your own property, don't marry a man who refuses to parent his child.