AIBU to feel overwhelmed when my partner keeps going out after having a baby?

Or, you and the OP have selfish partners

I reiterate: he does not sound abusive. She should have have a frank conversation and give him the chance to pull his socks up first.

Suggesting single motherhood as a first option is absolutely ridiculous.

He's not doing nothing anyway. He's earning money for the family.

Sorry this is not normal at all. It might be “normal” for you because your husband sounds bloody useless, selfish and lazy 15 years into parenting. But suggesting OP just accepts this shitty behaviour because you’ve put up with it for all these years is terrible advice.

Men are EQUAL PARTNERS. They help to make the babies and they are 50% responsible for raising them. It is absolutely not normal or acceptable for a man with a 9 week old to be going out multiple times a week and then moaning when asked to change a nappy or look after his own son.

Constant changes in hormone levels for women during pregnancy and not men = biology.

I didn't mention expectations. Of course they should pull their weight. That goes without saying.

But my point is that without having carried someone inside, you dont have the same hormonal attachment initially.

So he's too tired after working all day to look after his own child whilst you have a bath, but fully capable of going out & enjoying himself?
He needs some strong words. Selfish git.

He sounds like a bad husband and a pretty useless father. OP might as well be a single parent.

This is how you get to do just about everything by being better. He can't cope because he doesn't do enough of it, the baby doesn't know him. Give the baby to him and go out for half an hour. He needs to practice being a dad.

This is sadly the absolute truth.

I don't think the groaning means much. I mean so what? Is he not allowed to be tired.
He could be doing more, but nothing you've said here means you should become a single mother.

He doesn't sound like a bad person. So
maybe have a frank conversation with him instead of getting negative feedback from here.

I disagree in terms of a man naturally feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. Think it depends on the man and too many have allowed themselves to be feckless.

Letting men off the hook when it comes to parenting continues this myth.

This is something I agreed with my DH before kids. He used to play football 4/5 times a week plus gym. I said I’d not be having any children unless we could agree that he would only be out once a week max. And the expectation to pitch in 50/50 for everything. He stepped up from the start and was just as besotted with DC as me.

you need to have a clear conversation with DH

I imagine he sees the baby as your responsibility (and possibly that babies generally are the responsibility of women).

When our DC were little DP had set jobs. Not that he didn’t do other things but so roles were clear and we didn’t constantly have discussions about who was doing what. So for example he always took over the baby for a period of time when he came in from work so I could have a break/ shower/ cup of tea. He always did bath times during the week (shared at the weekend). This meant there was no asking him to do something and it also gave him confidence in parenting alone. I think a hobby once a week isn’t a bad thing but he needs to pull his weight.

Could you split jobs between you so there’s no chance of him taking the piss or not doing parenting?

This.

Talk to him. Whilst he is at work the baby is your "job" (given you're on maternity leave and the baby is nine weeks old - maternity leave is for this, but it's leave from work and therefore it's your job during work hours only). Outside work hours it's 50/50.

Point this out and ask how he'd like to plan the time - 50/50 can mean doing things together as a family and both being there for the baby equally, or it can mean tag-teaming with you completely off duty when it's his turn, and vice versa.

Your partner is a man-child. His job isn't just to go out to work. He has a partner and a newborn son, so therefore he has responsibilities. He's not a single man. He should be doing his share of the chores and parenting.

There may be an element of a lack of confidence with regards to looking after your son solo. However, the more he looks after him, the more confident he will become. If you keep intervening, your partner will only be too happy to continue being seen as incompetent, so you take over.

Going out once a week, I don't see an issue with. England matches, aren't necessarily an issue either but why does he need to go to the pub to watch a match? Why does he need to drink? Why does he need to stay at his friend's? None of those things are necessary. He's choosing them. He could watch the matches at home and he could invite a couple of friends over (although you might not want this).

You need a serious conversation with him. He needs to change his mindset. If he doesn't resentment on your partner will build, and you'd be better off being a single parent.

In the meantime, make sure you are using contraception because you don't want another child with this man. He's not proving to be a great Dad.

My husband wasn't like your partner. A decent husband/partner would be bending over backwards to make sure they not only help in the home but with their child too.

Firstly, women do not carry babies, they create them. Carry is such minimising language. Secondly, hormones or not, presumably men arent so painfully stupid that they dont understand that deciding to have a baby means that baby will need to be cared for?

This cannot continue. Does he realise how bloody selfish he is.

This. He can watch all the late night games he likes… while supervising sleeping baby, winding etc. And let you sleep 9pm-2am or whatever.

I’m so sorry he’s turned out to be such a disappointment. Are there any decent male role models in the family that would have a word with him?

When ds was born I had a very strong bond with the baby, and dh didn’t really. He was proud of him, but definitely didn’t have the intense connection. That part takes time to nurture. He was so protective of me though and couldn’t do enough for me. He was very conscious of the ways he couldn’t help - bf-ing, the broken sleep, and he tried to make it up in other ways, doing more cooking, shopping and cleaning. When I was a hormonal mess, he was there with a hug or a cup of tea.

That’s what stepping up looks like. Your fella is running away.

Agree with @whippersnapper55

So far he’s not doing well at parenting or at being a partner to you now.

Ask him to do 50% outside his working hours, including night and early morning parenting.

It is very frustrating but there are a lot of steps before you think it’s not worth marrying him -
it’s an incredibly challenging time for both of you - I know my husband felt it very isolating because I and the baby were together all day and then in the evening the baby didn’t want him and he felt awful that he was more or less the reason that they’d cry and for everyone’s sake - considering I’d be sitting there itching to take the baby back or even in the bath I’d be listening - he’d give the baby back and I’d be raging even though I wanted them back! There’s a million little examples of how it’s hard for both of you, don’t give up on him, it’s an adjustment for everyone and 9 weeks is so early - if I’d based my marriage on the first 9 weeks after baby we wouldn’t be here 😅just keep talking to him about it all!

He goes out all other nights too to do his hobbies? Not on.

But it’s worse than that. He’s out overnight getting drunk then not coming home. And trying to avoid doing any care for the baby?

Next he'll be referring to looking after his own child as "babysitting". 🙄

@13062804DT ‘moaning about looking after his own child’ errr he is a parent, like you. He doesn’t get to dip out?

This is a man effectively avoiding his new born and complaining at being asked to “help” look after his own child?
I hope you have support from elsewhere Op as it doesn’t sound as though this man will be any use.

Does he realize that football can be watched at home and that it is possible to do so whilst not drinking excessively, or even at all? Dh used to stay up with dd in his arms and watch the football when she was tiny. He sounds childish and unkind.