Would I be embarrassing myself to ask for a discount or would you try? (School fees)

I do think the crux of the issue is that OP doesn’t want to make sacrifices to send her DC to the school. I feel the same - I’ve chosen to use our local state schools and spend on lovely holidays for us all and set funds aside for DC house deposits. Bursaries / fee reductions just aren’t intended for people in my situation.

I'm really starting to think I must live in some parallel universe. "Honour some sort of discount..." WTAF? Is this how the world works and no one told little old me? I must try this out today! "Hi, my dad visited your shop once, I was thinking that might entitled me to some discount, how about 60%.? What off? Okay, that's what I thought you said." Talk about us and them.

If this school does the school fees plan (check that this school does work with them) it means you pay in 12 months rather than per term so it spreads it out. I was a lone parent and I used school fee plan. OR ask the Bursar if you can pay monthly.

I don’t send my kids to private school and no one in my family has ever been to private school but generally I always think “don’t ask don’t get”.

She says they could afford it with 10% off, so they absolutely could afford it at full fees IF willing to make lifestyle changes.

The fact she’s talking about holidays and new car leases as being possible things she will be doing means she just isn’t willing to change her lifestyle very much to sacrifice and prioritise the fees.

I do think you are being unreasonable here. Together you earn £10,000 a month. You have £500,000 of equity in your house. I don’t think these are the type of circumstances for which bursaries are awarded or for which a discount should be asked. Nothing to lose I guess but there are many people who might want to send their kids to private school but can’t afford it.

I think people who attend private school as kids have it rammed so far down their throats how amazing private school is - that they have a fear of state schools!

You cant afford private school, your child is going to state school just like the rest of us. You will be fine, they will be fine.

I had friends from state and private school - the state school kids are the highest achievers as adults now.

Just go state

This response is what you need to take.

and not all schools require you to use house equity although it does depend on your ages eg if you can even get a mortgage.

Can you afford up to £2.5k a month between you and your ex. That’s the question and only you can answer it.

They are going to expect you to be living on the bones of your arse. 20 year old car, no savings, no equity to release before they award you a bursary or discount. You can’t be living a life of leased cars, yearly holiday abroad, paid off house and expect a discount.

you either can afford it and you sacrifice some things in your lifestyle or take money out of your house. Have you had any financial advice? Some people remortgage and then invest the money to fund the fees.

have you gone through your expenditure? Why is your financial position now so much worse since splitting? Are you living above your means?

Not necessarily - all the private schools in my area are £18-20k per year including VAT.

you can still go on holiday if you have a bursary just a week in France self catering won’t raise eyebrows like 2 weeks AI in the Maldives.

Sane with buying a new car if needed. A second hand reliable car is not the same as brand new Range.

If you are asking for a discount or a bursary, it is because you cannot afford full fees. If you cannot afford full fees, then you should not be going on holiday or buying a new car. Your money and spending will be assessed annually to see if you qualify each year - that only won't happen if your child wins a tuition scholarship. As a parent whose child goes to private school and who pays full fees, we don't go on foreign holidays, my car is 12 years old, I have a small house so that I can meet the fees. My friends all have beautiful big houses, new cars, and go away once If not twice a year on holiday but cannot send their children to private school. No shade here to any of them, it's just different choices based on what is important to each of us. Private school has however absolutely been worth it for my child as the school has brought them on leaps and bounds so no foreign holidays etc has been worth it. If you are that worried about managing the fees, why not take your mortgage by saying £50k to find what you feel the gap will be between your income and keeping your standard of living. If you are looking for £2.5k a year ISH, you are only adding say £30k to your mortgage - not sure what stage your child is at. Remember the fees will increase annually, school uniform will not be an M&S effort particularly for the obligatory sport so build in a percentage increase. I normally build in a 10% plus VAT increase to be safe.

Highly embarrassing tbh

Well, yes, you should. It's hardly a good look to tell a school that you can't afford to pay their fees but you can afford a holiday or a nice car. They might rationally take the view that there are parents who need the discount more than you do.

At our school we would expect you to remortgage. We’re not going to ask the other parents to subsidise you while you sit on £500k in assets.

The families at our school that have bursaries are in rented homes, or properties with almost no equity, they drive old bangers, buy clothes secondhand, and go on camping holidays. There are no luxuries and no significant savings, they are putting everything they can into paying the school fees and the school is reducing fees by just enough to make that possible.

But for this September’s intake we weren’t able to give any bursaries at all - the whole of the bursary fund is taken up by helping kids who were already in the school when VAT came in as we want them to complete their GCSEs/a-levels rather than have to move at a really disruptive time.

You should definitely ask.

However, being almost mortgage free and on 80k per year, plus your ex making over 100k, I had to laugh at your "obviously we're not wealthy".

I make a similar amount to you so know money goes very quickly (we live in London with 3 children) but it is good money.

Income wise you're in the top 10% in the UK, and this includes people with massive mortgages.

Yup

Private school is something you do when you have an abundance of money to cover it. Some of the people with the lowest self esteem are the poor kids in private schools. It's better to be at a excellent state school where your parents have some money for you to engage in their activities.

Yes, you are in a massively privileged position. You can’t expect to send your child to private school without sacrifice, either you believe passionately enough to believe it worth your life being harder or you don’t. Can’t have it both ways.

This is why the imposition of VAT on school fees by the government is so unfair.

Ironically it only became possible because of Brexit but Labour introduced it!

It's a nasty policy that is born of prejudice and is now being shown to be costing the government money as the number of people forced to move their kids to state schools is higher than expected.

The projected savings that Labour promised are a lie as big as the infamous Brexit lie of £350m a week for the NHS.

Yes they would expect you to use your assets to send her, many people remortgage to send their child to private school in your position, my BIL was mortgage free and has remortgaged to make sure that he can top up their school fees if necessary since the VAT was added.
In your shoes I would apply for a bursary if you can suck up the level of scrutiny but if they turn you down I wouldn’t then ask for a discount.
If you are turned down then you can either remortgage and keep money aside incase there are periods of time when you and your ex’s money don’t quite cover it.
Option 2 is to put her into the private school for key stage 1-2 and if you are in a grammar school area apply to take the 11 plus, you may find the school offers you a discount to stay rather than move when she is 11, if they don’t offer a discount, move her to a grammar school if she passes the exam.
Or thirdly accept that you can’t afford the fees and all the stuff around it. My Cousin went to a private school on a scholarship, my Aunt still had to pay fees and her and her husband worked a couple of jobs each to make sure that he could keep up with what the rest of the children were doing term time.
As a grown up he’s done very well but he has said it was a struggle growing up as he didn’t fit in with his siblings, all of whom went mainstream and he didn’t quite fit in with his peers at school because he wasn’t off skiing etc during the holidays because there just wasn’t the money.

Oh and, OP, if your daughter is starting primary school I would recommend going state until secondary. That's when it really is worth it, it's what we did and I have zero regrets on that. It will give you time to save.