DD in hospital, snapped at Mum

Unless you are drip feeding that she’s fixated on finding out what viral infection it is because she’s a top level scientist with a lab in her garage where this weekend she is going to discover a treatment which will sort your daughter out in24 hrs the she has no ‘right to know’.
She sounds like an attention seeking pain in the arse frankly who brings no help or support to the party but just wants to be able to tell you what to do and tell the nurses at work/people she knows what an amazing grandmother & mother she is.
Need to know basis. You are going to have 3 kids under 3 by the sound of it -you won’t have the energy, time or headspace for her sharp tongue and me me me attitude. Just tell her what she needs to know and nothing more.
We all know women like your mum who twist your words & actions to use against you. Don’t fall into the trap and stop giving her ammunition.
Just look after yourself and your poorly little girl.
And tell your mum to shut up if she can’t behave properly.

Blood or not, she sounds like a nightmare

Just because you’re related it doesn’t give her carte blanch to treat you like shit. You wouldn’t put up with it from a friend, you don’t have to put up with it from a relative

It doesn't sound like you have the best relationship with her and that she's difficult to get along with generally. If you want peace of mind, you need to lessen contact with her considerably. If she messages you moaning about how you treat her, ignore it. If she gives you the silent treatment, let her. Drop the rope. Concentrate on your own family and don't give her so much of your headspace. I hope your little one is feeling better soon 💐

I've known some older relatives seem to fixate on specific details at a time when you really just want support, but some people do seem to feel like knowing something allows them to control it. Cut yourself and her some slack-you're going through tough times.

You need to grey rock this a bit, for your own sake more than anything.
If she asks questions like this again 'What type is it?' tell her
'they said it's Bronchiolitis'
'Yes mum it's a very stressful time' (don't add for you, she'll think you mean for her which is the desired effect)
'Thanks for the information'
'That sounds great for them'

Just grey rock her, you'll find yourself reacting less emotionally as well as you automatically switch your mind off to this behaviour.

Do you need her for when you have DC3? I'd be putting some distance between you and mum soon, you need your mental space for your family.

All the best for your 8 month old I'm sure she'll be home soon, it's hard going when they are in hospital, nobody sleeps, it's been a heatwave (unless your in Scotland or such place) and it's emotionally confusing, challenging and beyond exhausting.

I think it's good that you're snapping back rather than passively putting up with this shit. It's probably the only thing that has the slightest chance of getting through to her.

And I completely understand why you’d do that. But what happens when your babies get old enough to disagree with her? Is it better to rip the plaster off now? Or just teach them to deal with her the same way you and your brother have learnt to?

I’m so sorry, this is going to sound awful, but she sounds a bit thick

Ot doesn’t really matter what the virus is, the treatment depends on what she actually needs

MIL is a bit like this - has to ask questions and get answers to things that are totally irrelevant, just so that she appears interested/intelligent enough to ask questions. Someone went into DH’s car and wrote it off - she was obsessed with finding out the colour of the car that hit him 🤷🏻‍♀️

She sounds like my mum, it's exhausting. If she's further like my mum she wants to Google the hell out of the viral infection and make suggestions or police your childs care which is why she's fixated.

You’re right OP - whatever virus it is doesn’t matter and the only thing that matters is your little one getting better. Huge hugs - many of us have been in your shoes and it’s unbelievably awful.

Hoping your back home soon with a well little one

Jeeze OP, I had to have a short stay in hospital with my 4 year old recently and had 2 at home with dad and I was completely exhausted took me about a week once home to feel normal again! At 30 weeks pregnant I honestly don’t know how you’re doing it, you must be done in. Hope your 8 month old recovers quickly and you can get home and get some rest. Maybe just mute your mum for a while!

Your mother sounds very self-centred! Id be tempted to block her number whilst DD recovers. You don't need to be managing her emotions, you have enough to deal with.

She wants to Google it!! Then tell you dr is treating it wrong,and so and so's aunties child down the road had it,and they were so much worse.
That's why she wants to know, as she won't remotely know what the virus is!

I suspect she wants to post all over SM that her darling grandchild is in hospital with ... and therefore get loads of sympathy. Do you rely on her for childcare? If not, I'd ease away from her.

Same. You must have conceived within 2 weeks of birth or less.

Anyway, that aside, I hope she's on the mend soon and don't worry about the snapping. You've got a lot on.

YANBU at all OP. From everything you have said it sounds like she ticks all the boxes for a narcissist. It is awful living under this behaviour and my heart goes out to you. There are lots of threads on here re narcissistic mothers that you may want to read through when your baby is well and you're home and have caught up on sleep. You've been through hell and all you need is a supportive, kind and caring mum who can put herself in your shoes a little. Of course you will feel upset and frustrated at her childish behaviour. Try to ignore her and just focus on your kids for now. I hope your baby gets well very quickly. Look after yourself too, especially at 30 weeks pregnant x

I think it might be an idea for you to look at the stately homes thread on the Relationships board. I’m not going to armchair diagnose her as a narcissist, but your mum sounds like a dick. It’s all about her and her feelings and placing herself right in the centre of things, rather than understanding that you need her support, not her dramatics.

She’s essentially thrown a tantrum. Acceptable-ish from a two year old. Absolutely unacceptable from anyone older than that. So treat her like a toddler having a tantrum. You don’t reward her with positive attention. You don’t try and fix things for her so she gets her own way. You don’t apologise to her so she thinks she was in the right. You ignore her for a while. You’ve got enough on your plate, you don’t need to cope with her as well.

And when your DD is through the worst and you know she’s going to be absolutely fine and you’ve got nothing to worry about, you can send her a text and tell her that for the children’s sake, you’re willing to have a conversation with her, but that you need to be very clear that you will not be apologising for her awful behaviour and that if she’s to have any sort of relationship with you and your DC going forward, then there will have to be some serious boundaries put in place because you will never forgive her for how she behaved when you needed her most. She has no rights to know anything. I wonder if she thinks you know and you just don’t want to tell her, as you haven’t actually said the words ‘I don’t know’?

I just can’t get over you are 30 weeks pregnant and have an 8 month old? Yikes.

Sending get well soon vibes to the babe. Bronchiolitis is so scary but the docs know what they’re doing.

It will blow over with your mum, people act strangely when they are stressed x

She sounds incredibly self absorbed and toxic. Let her give you the silent treatment. Might be a lovely break tbh. Start implementing boundaries now whilst your three children are young. You won’t regret it.