DD in hospital, snapped at Mum

Try a nasal rinse for your sinuses. It does often work and is fine during pregnancy. Just make sure the water is boiled and cooled.

I'm afraid to say that people who are not legal guardians of a child don't have any sorts of rights to be informed of anything at all. If you want to tell her, then that is your choice, but if she causes more stress than comfort, then stop. You are not responsible for the emotional incontinence of an adult. Having DC is quite a common time when such dynamics show all the fissures in relationships.

That’s how I went NC, OP.
After she had yet another tantrum over a lack of attention whilst my DH was critically ill in hospital I just stopped trying. And she’s never messaged me again as she thinks I’m in the wrong!!!!
It is beyond my comprehension how she could behave like that and I never want to see her ever again. She can ignore me all she likes but she cut herself off when she ignored my kids too, all because of her fragile ego.
Stop chasing her, let her take herself off into the sunset and you are then free to live a happy peaceful life with your gorgeous babies and lovely husband.
I’m so pleased your little one is through the worst.

I can understand why you always try and appease your mum, even after such dreadfully cruel behaviour, as, apart from your children, she is your nearest blood relative and there is an expectation that the mother/daughter relationship will be close.

However, there is clearly something very wrong with your mother and the way that she has treated you and your brother is unbelievably dreadful. I don't think that she is capable of feeling, never mind displaying, normal love for her children and grandchildren. She is entirely self-centred and utterly selfish.

She brings nothing but drama and pain to your life. She is the opposite of a doting grandmother, despite her performative posts on social media. It's all a lie.

If you cut her off completely, your life will be so peaceful. I'm so glad that your DD is on the mend. All your energy should be going to your own family and preparing for the birth of the newest member of your family.

@tiredmumdc your mother is unfortunately toxic. Let her block you from everything, just take peace in knowing that all your communication channels remain open for when she decides to contact you. You’ve not blocked her from your life should she want to be part of it. Leave the ball in her court.

You say it’s embarrassing. If asked about your mother, simply say ‘I think she’s sulking at the moment, she’ll be in touch when she gets her sh*t together’ and just leave it as that.

She sounds like my MIL, we ended up in hospital shortly after our baby was born and had to cancel her meeting him. She was just upset for herself that she wasn't going to meet him rather than actually caring that he was in hospital.

Fast forward a few years of ridiculous behaviour and she's no longer in our lives. She fell out with us over something stupid, has done nothing to smooth things over and we refuse to fix it this time, life is good now :)

I'd just leave her to it and enjoy your peaceful life without her. Glad to hear little one is on the mend!

It sounds like she'll get your brother to put pressure on you to submit. If he does, suggest you both grey rock her, be united.

Your mother can behave like this, safe in the knowledge that you and your DB will eventually make the moves to solve the problem.
Then she can justify to herself that she was right.
Stop doing it! If she wants to go NC with you because she is sulking, let her.
Your life is far too busy and fraught to deal with her fragile ego at the moment.
Perhaps if she realises that this time it is up to her, she won't be so quick to do it again.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope your child makes a full recovery very swiftly.

In terms of your mother: let her cut you off, let her disappear off with a dramatic flounce and don't beg for her back. Not all parental relationships are healthy and this one sounds toxic.

I'd focus on your little family and find your peace. I'm sure she will end up coming back when she realises that nobody is coming with an olive branch this time and she may have pushed her dramatics too far.

If she doesn't, that's on her. You'll be stress free and not having to tread on eggshells.

I think what you said was perfect op. I'd now ignore. In my (depressingly similar) experience it's quite possible she'll never mention it again as she's not used to you standing up for yourself and challenging her behaviour. Great to see your baby's improving, hope she'll be home soon. And best wishes to you

Hi OP, I just wanted to send a virtual hug for everything you’re dealing with. I really hope your little one is home safe and sound again soon.
My mother is a covert narcissist so I am well versed in everything you’ve described about your own mum.
You really do need to learn to stop feeling guilty for setting boundaries/standing up for yourself. As other posters have said, she conditioned you whilst raising you to put her feelings above all else, and it takes serious strength to dismantle this belief.
This is not an easy thing to do, but you must in order to heal yourself from her mistreatment of you and be able to deal with her effectively going forward.
The whole grey rock thing never worked on my Mum because if she got a whiff of a boundary she would be hysterically calling me, crying crocodile tears, turning up everywhere she thought I’d be etc.
In the end I had to go NC with her but having had that space from her now, I realise how completely dysfunctional the thinking of a narcissist actually is. I haven’t lost anything by cutting our relationship, because there was never any genuine love there from her side - just manipulation, control, jealousy, lies, bragging rights etc etc.
I won’t go on about it because you have much more important things to focus on at the moment, but please OP, don’t rethink your actions. You did the right thing by snapping at her in the moment as it got her off your case.
When you are feeling stronger emotionally you could try grey rocking her and see how she reacts.
FYI, the silent treatment she gives you is a severe form of emotional abuse. I bet you grew up with it too?
They definitely know how to do a number on us, these narcissistic parents, but you’re an adult now not a helpless child, and you can decide to step back and disengage.
Who cares if she’s blood family? You wouldn’t accept this treatment from a friend who said they loved you and then behaved the way she does!
It sounds like you have a brother so you still have him (even if he’s under your mothers control still).
I absolutely validate your feelings and behaviour towards your mother and actually think you need to do more of it.
Do Not feel guilty 🩷

Your mum sounds awful! I’m sorry she is piling on now, and when you are probably worried sick about your little one. She should have responded “oh no, that’s terrible. Do you need anything? Can I help in any way?”

her response was stupid too “yes mum, tell your nurse coworkers the hospital don’t know what it is”

I think you probably just need to take a step back from her. Supply less information and your life will become more smooth as a result. I would encourage you to look up “grey rocking” as a technique and you don’t have to have a big fight or declaration but just step back from all communication. She will likely kick off but you have the perfect excuse “mum I’m so busy juggling 3 kids I barely have time to feed myself, let alone update you on every aspect of my life”.

its hard and disappointing and hurtful to realise that your mum (who’s supposed to support you!) is more interested in being correct, and putting her self first than in supporting you but she’s shown you over and over, but she is very unlikely to change so take some time to adjust your thinking (your GP can likely offer some counselling sessions if you want someone to help you work through it) and create some space. She won’t be able to disappoint you in the future if you expect her to behalf selfishly and expect zero from her.

A hug offered if you would like one. Hang in there!

Your Mum sounds dreadfully difficult in general, and it's come to a head now because you don't have the capacity to humour her self-absorbedness with all this going on.

If I was to give you one piece of advice, it would be "learn to sit with her discomfort". What that means is, you have been conditioned to respond to her emotions and fix them. You're guilt tripped and emotionally blackmailed so you feel the need to fix things for her, as you're held responsible for her emotions - even when your reasonable actions have 'caused' her very unreasonable responses.

If you can learn to sit through the discomfort of her being distressed, if you can see she's upset and stand firm that the responsibility of that lies with her, not you - well, I actually think it would change your life.

Right now, concentrate on your children and leave her to her tantrums. Give them none of your oxygen. You have bigger problems, let her stew - and reassure yourself they're not yours to fix.

This is unforgivable OP. I would be so hurt. I feel really sad that this happened to you.

God op, she sounds utterly exhausting.

I can't believe her response about the nurses in her work. She can tell them it's none of hers or their business. Let her go off I'm a strop and never chase her again. If she wants to be involved in your life it can be on your terms not hers.

I'm pleased your dd is seeming a bit better.

Why are you ringing and texting people
just concentrate on your unwell child
let your husband do all the updating of any relatives that needs to be done
I had four admissions with my baby last winter. I wasn’t stressing myself out phoning and explaining stuff to anyone. You’re not obliged to.
concentrate on your little one and yourself.

I thought narcissist. Which is why I never gave my mother my mobile number and never put the answering machine on.

@tiredmumdc you crack on with your little ones, forget the drama llama at the end of the phone.

Yes same. My mum is nowhere near as bad as OPs mum but sometimes she does the crocodile tears martyr thing and I have to admit it brings my rage out like nothing else. Took many years to stop reacting and just smile.

I feel stuck between she’s the only blood family I have left, desperately wanting that normal mother/daughter relationship, to wanting to set boundaries etc That’s completely understandable. Do have a look at the stately home thread if you get a chance. I’ve cut contact with a parent but for very different reasons, but there’ll be so many people on there who’ll have gone through the same things as you.

And I’m so happy for you that your girl is turning a corner 💐

You are absolutely right! Apologies OP. I didn't read your OP right at all.

Sounds like my MIL. My SIL says she never tells her anything as she know it will be used against her at a later date. She will also never apologise for anything. Known her about 15 years and never heard the word “sorry” pass her lips.

The crying nonsense from her would get my goat. I hate the crocodile tears from anyone and have told them so. They soon stop.

She sounds exactly like my mum. I don't actually bother telling her anything any more. It makes life much easier.