DD in hospital, snapped at Mum

If she does call you again and asks what it was - make a word up - a long one with very few vowels

This is a dreadful time for you, hormonal, a young family, a poorly little one, any one would snap, absolutely anyone in your situation. Can I suggest that your gut reaction to blame yourself is because you’ve been undermined by a domineering attention seeking mother all your life? So you’re programmed to always feel bad, if she feels you’ve let her down. If I’m right, then learn from my mistakes and save yourself decades of further heartache: you deserved a better mum, so did I as it goes. But we can’t change this, so you need to adapt. Know that you’re a far better mum than she was. Know that you have done nothing wrong. She needs to have a small walk on part in your life @tiredmumdc from this moment on, she’s hogged centre stage for too long. I wish you well x

YA NOT BU

firstly hope they get better soon. Spent a lot of time in hospital with my very poorly babies when they were tiny and know it kills you to see them so unwell.

some people just don’t get it.

my mil if mine had a simple cold used to be fixated on where did they get it from.

let’s be frank - it could have been from the lady on the bus, the guy in Tesco, the man who sneezed in the street, the neighbours toddler - I didn’t know where they got it from and frankly didn’t care. All I cared about was helping my kid through it as often what started as a cold would end up with a 999 trip to hospital with yet another asthma attack and more time in itu watching my kid fight for their life.

but they were like a stuck record over and over asking where they got it from. I can’t tell you the murderous thoughts that used to go through my head.

you snapped because her question was pointless and stupid and you do not have the head space to deal with this .

don’t feel bad. She needs to find a way to be supportive rather than ask stupid irrelevant questions.

so sorry you’re dealing with all this - don’t waste time and energy thinking about your mum as she is not doing anything but raising your blood pressure .

just focus on your little one and getting through this illness.

So happy DD is improving and will hopefully be discharged tomorrow, that’s all that matters. My mother died two years ago, but she was very much as your mum sounds @tiredmumdc . I learned the hard way, and got so the less she knew the easier life was. She always made it all about her. I used to say that a problem shared is a problem halved, except with her, it was a problem doubled. The existing problem was still there, plus the added angst and drama of her making it about her. Focus on your own lovely little family, they’re all that matters.💐

Shes disgusting, a real narcissist. I couldnt imagine the world revolving around me to such an extent that I'd guilt trip my sleep deprived pregnant daughter who is ill and dealing with a severely ill baby who has been hospitalised. I'm angry on your behalf.

Tbh Id go permanently low contact.

She sounds like my mother.

I remember when ds was taken back into hospital when he was a few days old as he wasn't feeding and we had a heatwave. Mum had asked me to call her at her friends to let her know if they were keeping him in, and gave me the phone number on a piece of paper. They admitted us and when I called it was the wrong number. God did she have a go at me the next day for not telling her we were back in. Not once did she say 'how is he?' Wouldn't accept that I couldn't tell her as the number was wrong. It was all my fault. I was trying to keep things from her and so on. But then that's the story of my life- I was always in the wrong.

Oh dear op hope your little one is improving. This is just what my mum was like. It was all about her, her needs and perceived slights, so very easily offended.

My dd2 had bronchiolitis and when I told dm she was ill, she responded 'and don't we all know it". She refused to look after dd2 when I went for my 6 week post natal check up for an hour, even though we had arranged this. She turned me away at her door.

I just thought it was a combination of selfishness and meanness but I can see now it was more sadly. She was incapable of considering anything other than her own needs.

Bizarrely when my girls got older,.she occasionally looked after them and they have fond memories. They seemed to accept her eccentricities more readily than the rest of us.

It really is unforgiveable of her to add to your stresses by making things about her. She should be offering love and support.

Im ashamed for what I’ve said but the tears was the breaking point for me today.

Then tonight being sleep deprived, and alone at home with my thoughts and my conscious kicking in I’m lying wondering if I’ve been a massive cow for snapping at her

OP I know you posted these quotes late last night when you were under huge stress, but please don't feel shame and no you're not a cow. Those feelings come from your upbringing, years of training that mother always has to come first, has to be placated whatever the cost.

She can say whatever she likes to you (I guess if you challenged her more generally she'd respond with 'I'm your mother, I can talk to you how I like') but won't take any sort of criticism from you. Tough. Only she is responsible for how she feels. You don't owe her happiness. She's clearly alienated everyone else in the family and no doubt in her mind that's everyone else's fault, never for a millisecond stops to think she's the common denominator.

I hope you do take time to reflect on her behaviour, over this and in the past. And start to let go. Unlearning old habits is hard but you need to find the belief that it's OK to do so. Don't let her make you feel guilty or question yourself ever again.

YANBU

sounds like my mum...just one example, had a paddy because I said she shouldn't visit me and my first born three week old (from abroad) when I came down with Covid. Didn't ask how me or my baby were once just made it all about her.

Suggest googling grey rock and doing that if you don't want to go completely NC. It's quite depressing especially around mother's day or special occasions when people gush over how special/helpful/amazing their mums are...but it is what it is I guess

I would withdraw from any kind of meaningful contact with the woman.
She's not supportive. She's not offered to help you in any way. It's all about her.
I don't often advocate daughters not being in touch with their mothers, but this relationship is toxic. Do you want your 3 very young children to grow up with such a poisonous grandmother?

Why would she help out it's all about her doncha know.

Unless she is babysitting your older child and/or offering to sit for a hour or two with the baby in hospital to give you a break, then I honestly wouldn’t bother with her at all. Let her stew in her own juices and if she does make contact again, tell her you dropped contact because of how she hurt you by not helping at all during a time of crisis.

Fantastic news about DD! I can’t begin to imagine how frantic you must have been and I’m so happy for you that she’s on the mend now. 💐

If you are thinking that someone might recognize you I would close down the thread OP. Just changing the ages of your child does not obscure your identity that much.

When you are feeling stronger there are some excellent books on toxic parents and FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that some families are ruled by.

You will find yourself in the pages. And learn strategies to not repeat the cycle with your children.

I have never informed my mother of any event when it happens. I didn’t tell her I was getting married till the day before. And only then because I’d phoned my usual monthly call and I was something to say. I sent her photos of new baby after they were born..she never saw me pregnant. I was out of hospital a month after being in for a month with 3 strokes, before I informed her. She doesn’t have a right to know. It doesn’t affect her.
It occurs to me, she doesn’t know my son was divorced earlier this year…I might tell her next week.

I don’t know why being a mum comes with high irritation. Mine would do same and I would respond same. I actively avoid telling her things because I know what will happen as a consequence. Csn you set boundaries? I tell my mum i don’t need solutions right now, just want it off my chest.

You reacted in a completely understandable way.

Im glad your dd is getting better.

Unfortunately people like this rarely change. When you said she has gone NC with her entire family it all makes sense. Are you in contact with them? Maybe you could reach out more to them in the future and build more of a relationship?

I would seriously limit contact with her. ( I have done so with my own mother and it has made life less toxic and stressful.)
It doesn’t really matter what you do or say she will always think she is right so don’t bother.

I would concentrate on your own little family. Leave the door open to her but also leave her to it. To not even ask how the baby is or offer to help is pretty low.

You're not being unreasonable at all, the situation is very stressful for you and your mum should understand that be quietly supportive, not trying to make it about her. Hope your dd is soon better.

Glad to hear your little one is on the mend.
I got unnecessary agro from my mum during a hospital stay with a child.
Now, I limit private information as they share it far and wide and when challenged it is all about them and how the situation made them feel. Nights in hospital with a baby on fast flow oxygen and a feeding tube? Nothing compares because they couldn’t sleep for the worry and feel absolutely wretched.
I wonder whether your mum felt a lose of control when people asked her what the virus was and she couldn’t provide that information. Maybe it’s also to do with her feeling needed even when she can’t/wont help in the way you’d expect. Narcissistic people care a lot about how they come across to others and keep up with their illusions.

https://www.herbalhealth.org.uk/product/ninja-for-people/
This is good for sinus pain. It doesn’t enter the bloodstream so is fine to use while pregnant.
(Can only post to UK so apologies if you’re elsewhere).

Your Mother might be a, outwardly. good grandmother as the moment (but not really because of the stress she'll cause their parents and letting her ego get in the way of seeing her newborn granchild and that's without not really giving a shit about how your DD or you, are doing), but you might find that changes once your children hit the tween stage. It would have done my MH the world of good to have not let a relationship build up between my Mother and children. They now laugh about her, attitude/behaviour etc, but she was of no use, emotionally etc to them.