AIBU to think my parents are ignorant & somewhat racist ???

Actually you’re quite wrong. It isn’t just cities that are multicultural in the UK. I live in a market town in the South East. Berkshire to be more accurate, so not too far from Surrey. My DD’s primary and secondary schools were very multicultural. Extremely so infact. I would post a class photo, but that would be against the rules, so you just have to take my word for it.

We were expats too, but moved back for schooling and because we didn’t really buy in with the whole expat lifestyle. Didn’t have staff, didn’t go out drinking every night, just wanted a normal life with a bit of extra money. It wasn’t for us. Doesn’t mean it isn’t right for you though. I am glad we gave our DD an early upbringing with people from all over the world and she appreciates this too.

I think you need to put a stop to your Parents negativity. They may miss you, but they’re going about it the wrong way. They’re pushing you away instead of making you come closer. They need to realise this. I think a chat when you’re next over explaining how these comments make you all feel?

My parent's life was NOTHING like mine. It didn't affect our connection. My sib's kids and their kids lived abroad, visiting the UK once or twice a year. It didn't affect their connection to our mother either. She died before facetiming was a thing but loved the phonecalls and the infrequent visits. Yes absolutely she missed them but that didn't make her make snotty comments about their education or upbringing.

Granted DHs father worked in the foreign office, got to travel all over the world for work and I guess that affects his views and how he sees the world. My parents on the other hand are just from Surrey.

But that's the whole point, surely @ForCyanShaker ? You're judging your parents, who simply did not have that experience, and comparing them to someone whose entire professional life was spent abroad and was involved in those different cultures and nationalities. Of course that set of grandparents is going to be much more positive about your lifestyle. They understand it. They connect with you because of the shared lifestyle.

I'm not condoning your parents' racist comments at all, particularly the one about your son bringing a partner of another skin colour home. But you have to recognise that it's not that your in laws are massively better people because they're more understanding of your life choice. Your parents simply don't have the advantage of that experience, and they miss you and feel like they're losing the connection to their grandchildren because of how different their life is.

So yes, challenge the racist comments, but think again about going minimal contact. I think you need to have more empathy and not compare them to the other grandparents, who were so much better prepared for you having this lifestyle.

no excuse for racism though

That's a fair point but distance emphasises it.

but everybody grows up in a different culture from their grandparents.

I can understand their sense of loss that their grandchildren are growing up in a different culture to them. That's fair enough. I sometimes hate that my sister lives abroad and as time goes on little cultural differences arise. It makes them feel disconnected from the kids. But from what you say especially regarding the photo, it does sound like they are racist too and they want your kids to only associate with white British kids.

Fair enough they do sound more entrenched in their position from your subsequent posts. And I agree there's a lot grating about the vision of England as a utopia. But your thread hasn't just been about their racist views, which I agree are toxic and unacceptable if they won't back down. It was also asking why can't they just be happy that your kids have this lovely life, and you also asked what are the downsides of the life you chose as if you could see only perfection, and from some perspectives there are some downsides, and there are reasons for your parents to be somewhat wistful even though by any measure they have gone too far.

Totally fair enough to decide the downsides are outweighed by the upsides - you only get one life after all, but you have for example already decided on a move back to the UK during their teen years. It wouldn't be everyone's choice to uproot teenagers, especially to a country they've never called home. You slightly come across as if you've painted the international life as its own utopia where DC will learn just adapt to any and all social situations, and you get along very well with dh's family as they don't challenge this view.

I only ever had a grandmother who died early 1960's when I was about 10. I think if anyone REALLY thinks about it, they won't have a lot in common with their grandparents simply because life rolls on and lived experiences change. Even in my lifetime, some of the places that I knew as a child have changed beyond recognition, food has changed...education has changed and of course my grandmother just would not believe the tech! I think its pretty silly to be sad because of the lived experience of people who might have been born 30 or 40 years after you were. I mean have they been doing a Rip Van Winkle?
And I definitely don't think that it excuses being worried because a grandchild might bring home a non white partner.....or have they forgotten all the non white soldiers who fought in the British Army during WW2 Good enough to die with us but not good enough to marry into the family?

Because as a non-white person, I learned very early on that I’d never be allowed be English, despite being born and bread in this country. The very fact I had some pigment in my skin meant that I was a foreigner, despite me eating, dressing, speaking and having mannerisms as any white person out there! Even now in my 40s, I can’t bring myself to call myself English- I’m British.

When OPs parents see the children in the photos, they see colour only (and judge accordingly).

I never thought my mum would blatantly refuse to do anything with my DS and insist on only spending time with my DD but here we are!
From friends who were 3rd culture kids growing up, it can be hard to settle as an adult. However all the ones I know are well rounded, and in some ways it's the places they have chosen to work that are small minded, not them that are weird/out there. Maybe preparing them for that would help.
I lived in 3 different continents within 3 years in my 20s/30s and in some ways wished I'd had that upbringing but I do have to concede I find it easier to settle permanently in the UK than some friends who grew up nomadic.
I'm quite low contact with my mum now. Sad to say, you might find this happens.

Apols I only added the tag after I posted, but I hope it was clear I wasn’t quoting you as they weren’t your words.

But come on: you can’t have us judge your parents on other things you haven’t told us. They might be total racists. The example you keep giving of an intolerably racist attitude is one that on the face of it seems about culture/nationalities/ties.

And seriously, “get off my thread with your views”? What’s the point of posting if you won’t tolerate other views?

I just don’t think that English reduces to race, or worries about grandchildren not feeling an English connection reduces to racism.

I must have had dozens of convos over the years with expat kids in adulthood who have said they felt something important was lost. As well, often, as much gained. They can’t all be vile racists for feeling that.

I think they are being massively unreasonable TBH.They are seeing you 6 times a year! Thats ample time for DC to enjoy Cobham and all it has to offer .plus London,Stonehenge etc .I would just say look guys ,worlds moved on a bit now. and we bring DC over often so they can share British experiences .My friends DC live in Liverpool. and they live SC. its a 5 hour journey .They visit once a year for 2 weeks!Your folks are moaning about nothing!Surely any city /big town in UK would have DC who are not white British anyway

Despite the bashing, the UK is still a great place. I bash it sometimes myself. But it isn’t the best place in the world, the quality of life has gone downhill. The older generation are still insisting that to be born British you have won the lottery of life etc. They live in the past and are delusional if they think the UK is going to better for your kids than an international upbringing.

This is true. DH is from the North East and I'm from Kent. DC is from Peckham you'd assume...

@BoredZelda Isn’t this a double standard?

It is racist to consider a multicultural upbringing inferior to a “British” one.

[…] It’s sad you feel pigeonholed into being one thing when it’s so much better to be many.

I chose a very multicultural/ racial/national life for myself and my family. But there are serious costs and trade-offs to both.

What I don’t think’s defensible is to say: “my preference is superior to yours, and if you disagree you’re a racist”.

Most people, globally, are ‘somewhere people’. The ‘anywhere people’ aren’t morally superior they just have preferences and pay different costs.

I really don’t have the crayons to explain this to you. You are, however, proving an excellent example of why it’s really important for people to broaden their horizons beyond Surrey, so thanks for the help in demonstrating my point 🤣

I don't think if OP's children decide to move to the UK as adults they'll have any particular problem fitting in. If they chose to live in pretty much any bigish city here they'll be around people from all over the world, so I doubt their accents will be an issue. These days even children who are born and raised in the UK are sometimes growing up with sort of hybrid accents due to the influence of American and international social media.

However, this has given me a certain outlook on multiculturalism, that it needs to also include an understanding of the reasons behind migration.
It’s a long time since I’ve lived in a multicultural area and where I live is 95% white.
So I’m probably behind the times, but I’ve never felt people generally had much insight into the reasons underlying migration and their sheer variety.
This loss my family experienced of language, community, education, social position and the multi generational impact of all this makes me pretty sympathetic to the outlook of OP’s ‘disgusting’ parents. Ie I have first hand experience of the loss of cultural stability and hence can appreciate it’s value, which is what I think they are concerned about.

This is certainly not racism but I’ll wait with interest to see whether my comment gets deleted. 😆

Your parents are lonely. They are growing old and fear for their future. They are also sad that the England they knew as children is disappearing and your children will never know it.
Please try to understand and not condemn them. You are living the life you choose which is great. You don’t have to agree with anything they say, you could just accept them for who they are.

Well your kids are likely to feel super comfortable in any sort of ‘expat’ community of wealthy people anywhere in the world. That would never mean they’re going to be comfortable in a normal life in any of these countries though. Bring part of the international tax dodging colonisers of today is a lifestyle choice. You are within your rights and I’m not suggesting you are doing anything illegal. I just think it’s terribly depressing and I’d be very sad if either of my children chose this.

My husband and I immigrated to Scotland from the states 20 years ago. Our kids were born here and identify as being ‘half Scottish and half American’. They have both passports and are very much Scottish. With a sprinkling of thanksgiving and American grandparents. They’re the only grandchildren on both sides and all our parents are sad at how this worked out. They aren’t racist, they’re just sad. I think your parents probably are racist but also sad to have so little in common with their grandkids. That’s super common in this situation. Separating it from the racism is the important part as obviously you can’t let that sort of nonsense be said again. It’s totally valid though to say your kids aren’t British - they aren’t in any real sense. Just like my kids aren’t really American (or the third country they have a passport to based on my birth country. They’ve never even visited it but are citizens).