AIBU to be disappointed in this anniversary gift? Probably going to sound like an ungrateful cow here

We don’t buy Anniversary or birthday gifts either, never have. We appreciate each other throughout the year.

Definitely YANBU. Sometimes it’s not about the gift itself, it’s about feeling heard.

On our 25th anniversary earlier this year my husband bought me a chunky silver Tiffany bracelet that I’d never choose in a million years. It was very expensive, but completely not my style. I remember thinking what a waste of money because if he’d asked me, I could have suggested something I’d genuinely wear and treasure.

In your case, you actually told him exactly which shoes you wanted and even sent him a photo. If they were sold out, ordering them online or simply asking you which perfume you’d prefer seems like the obvious next step. I’d be disappointed too.

We do non-obligatory gifts as well as supposed obligatory ones. It's great!

It’s our fourteenth anniversary today. I was just handed a card and informed a restaurant is booked for this afternoon. I was pleasantly surprised, i’d completely forgotten about our anniversary.

Perfume sounds nice! Have a lovely anniversary.

They're only "a thing" for some people. I'm not one of them.

Personally I dislike obligatory/entitlement gifts, ie a gift received purely because of the date (birthday, Christmas, anniversary etc) a sense of obligation on behalf of the giver and a corresponding sense of entitlement on behalf of the recipient.

Non-obligatory gifts are much nicer and more meaningful.

We don't usually buy presents but we always at least go out for the day and have a nice lunch and nice evening meal. Most years we go away for the night or longer.

Not trainers no. DH buys me Elemis or L’Occitane stuff, I buy him clothes and books, a good single malt or a tie. I’ll order a personalised card with photos of us from Moonpig. For the big ones he will buy me jewellery - he has good taste. I buy him cufflinks.

I’m curious though- are they things like trainers? If I were to do anniversary gifts, it would be something more romantic and marriage specific. Trainers seem like birthday gift to me and then even then I’d expect my DH to buy himself trainers of he needed a new pair. Each to their own I guess but I can’t see the connection between getting a functional item and celebrating your marriage.

I also did not realise most people bought each other presents for their wedding anniversary every year. I don't think the couples that do love each other more than the couple that dont. I think there may just be a mismatch between your values that needs to be talked about. Neither is right or wrong but maybe you place a lot of importance on this and your husband doesnt. If he is a decent partner day to day, id say try and focus on that. How did he react to the socks?

Been married for 36 years and always exchange anniversary gifts. And go away somewhere even if it’s just a night in a nearby hotel. You’re entitled to your opinion that anniversaries are not important. Not everyone shares that view.

Sorry, just saw you bought him something nice.

What did you get your husband for his anniversary present?

I think running shoes is a really weird anniversary present!

we tend to do a card and something silly for anniversaries . Like when it was our paper anniversary, I bought a notebook and DH bought me cinema tickets. Might that be a better idea in future? And if I needed you running shoes, I would just go and buy the ones I wanted.

Spot on!

Don't gratefully accept it, that's absolutely crap. Get a refund and buy the shoes you want (which you can probably find in 2 minutes on Google if the shop genuinely doesn't have them / can't order them in for you).

It's not the gift, it's the effort. If he'd bought you a perfume he'd spent some bloody time selecting and had done so with a bit of thought then yeah suck it up and slap it on. He clearly hasn't so get it returned.

You said yourself he’s not a great gift giver. Shame he couldn’t get the trainers you asked for though. But he did get you something! My DH is exactly like this; too much choice of what to buy, feels completely overwhelmed, doesn’t ‘get’ the whole gift giving thing anyway as if we generally want something we just get it, also remembers things like a perfume I wore in 1985 so he’ll get that even though it now smells awful on my aging body and gives me headaches 😅Your DH sounds the same tbh. He tried. Some men are just wired differently!

I'd be disappointed too OP.

I guess the question is, did he go to purchase the shoes two weeks ago, or did he wait until the day before your anniversary to go to the shops? Men shopping last minute eg Christmas Eve is so low effort.

Even if they were sold out, he could have gotten you a gift voucher for that store, to choose a replacement yourself, or ordered them online and let you know they were on the way. How on earth does he cope at work when things don't go to plan, if he can't even sort a very straightforward gift request?!

I get it, OP.

We've actually stopped gift giving and card buying. I love sourcing and finding well thought out gifts. I love writing a personalised note in cards. My DH is the opposite. I find them pointless if you're just writing to/from, in them.
After a few years of being disappointed, I've reluctantly accepted we're just different. He's great in all the ways that you'd want from a DH. So, again, reluctantly 😅, so I focus on that.

There have been too many times that he's asked me what I want for birthdays/Christmas. I've gave him weeks in advance notice of a particular thing, telling him to get it asap because it will likely sell out. By the time he waits last minute to get it, it's sold out.

For father's day, he waited until last minute to buy his dad a card, wouldn't go to a nice card shop so went to B&M. His dad ended up with a child's style Fathers Day card. But in his mind, he's done his obligation. I've told him I never want anything out of obligation and a shit, last minute thing just because it's 'the thing to do'. I see now that he's not that way out so I've made my peace with it. Reluctantly 👀🤣

I do get the general gift giving thing though. I'd rather not get anything or get some money than something I don't want that is just going to clutter the place up. My mum always gives me money and suggests a household item I could buy with it ( Her ISA matured this year so the money was more than usual- she suggested I buy a new dishwasher-I bought myself a bean to cup coffee machine)

Shoes are not really anniversary gifts and he did get a perfume you liked enough to give to someone else. Maybe ask for shoes for your birthday.

I’d be disappointed too. It’s quite weird that he bought you the same perfume you bought your mum, which ke knows.

Why not just buy the shoes yourself?

We don't really give each other anniversary gifts either, although one year I did give him a daughter!! I went into labour on our anniversary, so instead of going for our planned meal, I ate a slice of toast on a maternity ward.

Ever since then, our focus has been on celebrating her birthdays. We give each other a card and go for a meal either a few days before or after our daughter's special day.

I joke to my husband that he would never be able to match or beat the present I gave him when i delivered a daughter. She is our best anniversary present.

OP, there is no right or wrong when it comes to anniversaries. Couples should celebrate however they wish. It is nice he got you perfume. If you still want a new pair of trainers, can you not order them? It's nice to treat yourself sometimes. Happy anniversary

If my DH told me he found choosing gifts stressful and then still didn’t buy what I asked him to then we’d just be buying our own gifts. I also wouldn’t be buying his family members gifts, he can’t even be bothered to buy his own mother a gift. He’s just lazy and selfish!

Id be disappointed too but I wouldnt say anything. If you really want something buy it for yourself. Sending him pictures of what you want is not going to be a surprise is it? He clearly didnt do it on purpose but he got you something he thought youd like. Its you that needs to change your mindset or youre going to be forever disappointed and it will eat into you. What did you give him? Perhaps next year just go out somewhere nice as a family. You will remember those anniversaries more than a pair of running shoes. Youre hardly going to look back in 10 years and say oh darling do you remember our anniversary when you bouggt me those running shoes?