AIBU to stop visiting as often now Mum has died?

28 replies

Gcn · 27/06/2026 15:45

I moved from Ireland to Scotland 35 years ago. Until last year we would travel "home" 2 or 3 times a year. When there I'd catch up with family, but latterly was to see mum. Mum died last year. My brother has visited me a few times. My mum hadn't been across in about 10 years. My aunt visited a couple of times with her. My cousins have never been here.

I got a message from cousin today asking when we'd be across in the summer. I told him that we probably won't be - other holiday arranged. They replied with a crying emoji.

At mums funeral all my cousins were saying how they'd love to visit - they are v welcome to, but no one has.

Am I being unreasonable?? It's expensive for us to visit - we being the dog so need to bring car on Ferry, now that mums not there we need to pay to stay.

OP posts:

TheGander · 27/06/2026 17:08

Would a big group holiday on neutral territory work eg hire a cottage/ villa in a European country for all the cousins?

IceLollly · 27/06/2026 15:59

We live 4 hours from DHs home town. We visited a lot and DH went separately a lot too.
He has been a handful of times since his parents have died, mostly for things like funerals. I haven’t been once.
He is from a very large family but we have had minimal hospitality over the years, they were always awkward about meeting up, DH has to stay in hotels when he goes now.
His brother has been here very rarely and his parents came a few times, no one else has ever been to see us in nearly 30 years, despite going places nearby.
We get grief about not going, all the time. People like it when you make all the effort. I’m past caring now. The road goes both ways.

pikkumyy77 · 27/06/2026 15:52

This is just inevitable. Your cousins will get over it. Few of them will make the trip to see you no matter how much they said they would. Its just what people say because its a social thing to say.

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