AIBU to want to give my uni daughter "pocket money"

That’s really tight. DM gave me £400 per month for food, clothes, books, travel, socialising etc on top of rent and utilities back in 1998 and I still used to work over summer to build up a buffer for the next year.

Yeah we didn't begrudge them money we just wanted them to be motivated, we were a one income household so money wasn't always readily available.

When I went to uni (20 years ago) my parents gave me enough each term to cover food and books and a little bit extra to enjoy. My course was full-on and they didn't want me to have the stress of needing to earn alongside it, a job was an optional choice that I could drop if I needed to study more etc.
It wasn’t loads of money, I had to budget carefully, but I was happy to have the choice about work. If you can afford to, I think it’s a good approach.

Yes I agree Jobs are not easy to get, I would probably add with that in mind that teens can earn money at home doing jobs until they get themselves a job. My teens would rather be in bed than face the job market, I definitely found cutting off the money focuses the mind, however I'm not unfair and will happily give them money if they are trying to find work and volunteering at the same time.

When it comes to getting a job after graduating, having some experience from a job (either weekend or even holiday times) and balancing priorities would go a long way in my book.

I can understand not paying for the gym membership as she'll have access to the university sports centre from September, but we pay for DD's living expenses. She does have a very part-time research job at the university and is also working another job this summer. So she can pay when she goes out with her friends, etc.

He sounds harsh, unnecessarily so.
Nothing wrong with encouraging her to pick up a job as it helps with time management and really instills value for money.

But i would definitely be supporting her with other things, with extra too, until she has found something.

Does he think he gets final say over your money?
If he does that is controlling and abusive.

I have a daughter starting university in September and I cannot imagine my husband saying this.
I would think him an arsehole if he did.

If she isnt driving id get her leap card.
I would pay phone.
Keep on health insurance if ye have it.
Invest in a good laptop for her.
Give money for lunch etc.

Then

Encourage a summer job where she can horse as much money into her savings before September.
Open a CU account for emergencies.
Take advantage of student week for free stuff including student accounts being offered with money.

My son has just finished his college years now and this is what we did. There were occasional nights out, a suit to be bought to a ball etc but other than that she will be surrounded by people who are budgeting as well.

Your husband is a begrudger. Its unlikely your daughter qualifies for the grant and part time jobs are hard to come by. I never understand parents who can help their kids but choose not to.

Back when I went to Uni nearly 40 years ago my parents supported me because their income was too high for me to get a grant. My grandfather's parents had to pay fees and support him because there was no funded system in the 1920s, they could only afford for one child to go to University and as Dux at school he was probably eligible for some bursaries. Parents supporting their children at University is not some new fangled thing.

That said, I don't know what the eligibility rules for funding in Ireland are and I don't know what the expectations for parental contributions are.

I had a part time job of about four hours a week because I wanted to be earning my own money - and so feel free to spend it as I chose, instead of with one eye on not wasting someone else's gift to me - but my parents also gave me a small allowance. They argued they wanted me to have time to study, rather than exhausting myself picking up extra shifts. This did make a huge difference to me, not having to choose between going to work or going to the library. I understand I was very lucky that my parents were in the financial position to do this, but it did really benefit me and it is something I'd like to do for my children.

Hes being a tight ass.
What an unattractive trait indeed.
Why does he have the final say? Or does he?
Cos i wldnt be letting him tbh.
If ye can afford it, then why would he want to have money in his bank while his dd struggles? Plus, pt jobs are really hard to find right now. I know cos dd has tried. We support her financially fully and will continue to do so until she has a fulltime job. Which she is in track to do thankfully. As we did with our other dds.
Tbh id just tell him if he doesnt, then i will. And he can suffer the consequnces of having damaged the relationship between both him and i, and his dd and I. If u work he doesnt decide what you do with your money.
I cannot abide a man who thinks the deciding vote stops with him.
Support your dd. I gurantee you it will pay dividends in years to come. And i dont mean financially.

I teach at an Irish university. I run into my current and former students everywhere in the city — they virtually all seem to have PT jobs they fit around studying. I run into them in pubs, shops, gyms, cafes, various on-campus jobs like the library, and as there’s a strong culture of going home at the weekends, obviously lots of them have weekend jobs there. I’d say your daughter was in a very privileged position, being able to attend a nearby local university and live at home. Irish fees are low, but the accommodation crisis means many students are living at home and commuting long distances by car to campus daily because it’s cheaper than rent in their university town. She’ll find she’s in a privileged position compared to many of her friends. I’d certainly be encouraging her to get a job,

I wouldn't call it pocket money but an allowance.
What happens now? Presumably you give her some kind of allowance for clothes, toiletries, travel? What's the difference when she starts uni?
Ours didn't live at home but we gave them a monthly allowance for rent, food etc and paid it all through uni. If they got a job I still paid them because we could afford to. If you can't afford it that's different.

DD worked and saved most of what we gave her - but having the cash meant she could focus on her studies and only take work when it suited her

I guess it depends on the child though - she still is very financially savvy - unless your child is a spendaholic I would be supporting them

We gave ours money even though they both worked in the holidays.
We still give DC2 £200 a month and he left university last year.

Her Dad is being mean. Her full-time ‘job’ is to be a student. She needs to be able to focus on that without feeling she has to support herself independently. If she is doing any course with high contact hours or labs, she realistically can only work in holiday time. If she’s on a course with low contact hours but lots of reading/projects, she still needs to allocate 35-40 hours a week to being a student.

She will need a laptop, books, stationery, club subscriptions, and to have a life. Can she get summer work to build up savings for herself? But ultimately she needs to be supported and he’s just being mean (and putting it all on you.)

Do You and your husband have separate finances? He seems to have decided what he will do with his money. Can you decide how you support her separately?

If you can afford it, helping out with transport and clothes and a bit of social if is normal. She can and should also get a job over the summer.

But the main question her is why your husband thinks he has final say

Surely this should be a joint decision rather than your husband just dictates. Is this a recurring pattern OP?

We paid £5k a year towards accommodation and gave DD £200 a month plus paid her phone contract,

I would give her pocket money but ease off when she gets a part time job

I agree. (Although fees are much lower in Ireland I believe.)

When I went to uni and my brother, my parents paid nothing. We were told to get jobs and support ourselves, they weren’t money strapped either. Your dh has a point she’s an adult she needs to support herself. Fair enough for books or kitting her uni accommodation out with a microwave etc but otherwise I do agree.

You probably weren't paying £10k a year in tuition fees though. Different times.

God I wish I’d been a Uni student in these modern times 🤣

Back when I went to Uni 20 years ago I lived at home, I had to work for anything I wanted/needed and still give my parents rent 🤣 Same for my DH.

If our kids go to Uni I imagine I would take your approach OP, whereas my husband would probably take the same stance as your husband.

I don’t know the Irish system, but my son has just finished uni in England. He had a student loan which covered his tuition fees and his rent, and a little bit left over (but not much). I pay for his phone. And during term time I gave him £70/week. I don’t give him money in the holidays, but obviously I then cover the cost of food etc.