AIBU to want to give my uni daughter "pocket money"

@JustGiveMeReason Bus fares or bicycle (we wouldnt have paid for a car), the odd book, phone, underwear, socks - those are not luxuries, nor is something for relaxation whether that is sport, cinema, music. Loads of drink, holidays, most new clothing - those they can fund themself.

I think it’s slightly course dependent as well… some courses are very busy, whereas others it’s easier to work a job around them. However, I lived at uni and was given a sum each month that was for food/bills etc but also meant I was able to spend some on going out etc. your daughter is living at home so doesn’t have this kind of budgeting option… I think it’s fair to give her some fun money if you can afford it! I didn’t work while at uni, nor did my husband, but we both worked in VI form and have always worked post-uni. I was too busy with voluntary work/societies and my husband has a full-on course as well as summer internships. I’m meaning that not having a part time job isn’t indicative of being feckless.

Won’t she be working over the summer? I used to save like mad over the summer and not need to work term time.

One of mine drives my car, is out tomorrow with his girlfriend for her birthday so gave him some cash for lunch, and gave the eldest £100 of paint earlier. Honestly I am happy to help out. They are super lovely and we are still a team. Neither ever expect anything and are always super grateful. There have been times when we had no spare cash and they never grumbled and now I have it I have no interest in them struggling. Don’t get the point really, they know life is rough, how to graft and how to be responsible. Anything we can do to help each other is a good thing. I think your DP is a miserable arse.

She’s an adult. Everything should stop when she goes to uni. She needs a job to support herself.

My DD also starts uni in September and is also going to be staying at home. Her uni is near my work and on the opposite side of the road to where she went to sixth form so very little will change. We had an agreement that I more or less worked in the office on days she needed to be in sixth form and once she has her uni timetable I will do the same so she can hop in the car with me rather than having to get the bus. But she will still have bus fares occasionally so I will continue to pay for all
educational travel (if she wants to go into town outside of education she pays for that herself).

We will continue to provide all
food etc and we will
also continue to buy most of her clothes. She also has a small part time job (3 hours a week in term time, about 4-6 hours week for some of the school holidays) so if she wants to eat out, get extra snacks etc she can do so and pay for them herself.

We are fortunate that we can afford to do this, especially once her Child Benefit stops at the end of August.

She is taking a student loan for her tuition fees but we are hoping she won’t need to take a maintenance loan as she also has some savings to tide her over. It maybe she needs to take out a small maintenance loan if books/clubs etc begin to get out of hand.

I do think your DD should be looking for a small part time job while she is at uni - more for the work experience as that will stand her in good stead after uni.

I live in Dublin with son just finished 1st year. Pretty much all his friends incl him have part time jobs. We pay for phone/gym but that is it. He lives at home.

I think it depends on your financial situation. I pretty much always worked through uni, sometimes FT. But being a single person carrying all the expenses of living alone (I recognise your dd lives at home, but still) can be expensive. My mum always helped me out with some spending money, even after I graduated and was working and living independently. It’s expensive out there. She could afford it and it was greatly appreciated so I didn’t have to live off pasta. I will do the same for my dc. Obviously, if you can’t afford, you can’t afford it, but if you have the money, there’s no point hoarding it just because you’re in a better position than her.

Yes nice to have own money. My daughter did a bit of dog minding. I do think you can work too much then exams suffer. My friend said her son didnt work but focused on law exams. If he had job he wouldnt have time study. Fair point. He did really well. Its hard get hours too if u only want few hours work

But the OP's dc is going to be living at home and all her food is provided, and all rent / utilities being paid for by her mother.

The discussion is about whether the mother should be giving her money to go out / buy clothes or make up or have her nails done / pay for her social life / etc. The 'nice to have' extras in life, not the essentials.

Not offended in the slightest.
Hit a nerve with you though.
And yes your tone and language is toxic.

Might be because I'm working class, and this was 20 years ago, but my parent's entire contribution to my uni experience was two bags of food shopping once because I couldn't afford to eat (I also had a job). I think if you're also housing and feeding her it's fair that she gets a job for extras. Both DH and I are from humble beginnings but have good jobs now. We are saving for our kids on the quiet and will one day give them it for something big (house deposit etc). They will have privilege we could only dream of, but we will absolutely be making sure they work too. Savings are in our names so it won't automatically go to them if they don't pull their weight.

Calm down @Doteycat . Did we let go one of your children? 🤣🤣

Theres nothing toxic about my job. Most of us have been here years and are a good supportive team. But it is fast paced and requires adults who can do the job without needing constant hand holding. Even after 6 months. Obviously not all graduates are lacking common sense but the few we've had had the maturity of teenagers not professional young adults. If thats not your children then there's no need to get so offended.

I would encourage the job she will probably find most friends at uni would have one . Get her earning a bit at least and if she runs out maybe top up with a allowance

I felt that as studying is their main ‘job’, our kids should be provided with the basics - to me, that’s food, petrol/road tax etc (they have their own cars, otherwise it would be bus fares), phone, gym. They already have extensive wardrobes so they buy their own clothes and pay for socialising and holidays.

btw when one of my relatives mentioned their kid was finding uni harder financially than expected I sent the teenager a £100 supermarket voucher. It was their first term, after that I expected them to get better at budgeting but the first term is always the most expensive.

Tell your husband he is meaner than some more distant relatives.

Is he a stepdad?
are jobs available?
if students work too much their grades suffer and some drop out if they need to self fund too much.

I think University is a good time to be earning for herself and understanding the concepts of budgeting and making choices about how much you want to work / earn vs how much you want to spend.

It is very easy to make decisions when you are spending someone else's money, but it puts a different perspective on it when you realise those trainer or that gig "cost" 10 hours of working in a job you might not particularly be enjoying.

It is a good time to learn, whilst she still has the comfort blanket of being fed and housed, and any perceived 'foolish' choices she makes don't mean she won't be able to eat or have a roof over her head.

I'd feel I'd failed as a parent if I didn't encourage my adult dc to be taking some responsibility themselves.

Have you spent a fortune on her Leaving Cert holiday and grinds? Is DH planning to cover the enrollment charge and thats it?
DC are expensive and most post Leaving kids has jobs and commute to college, so your DH expectations aren't too unusual for Ireland. Seems a bit mean though.

My student pays their own accommodation and tuition. We pay for food and a bit for going out. I send extra cash for special occasions.

Your company sounds dreadful.
My dds have had no issue whatsoever finding work after graduation. And we certainly didnt 'wipe their bums'. Clearly you have a toxic work environment.
Mine grew up with a mum and dad who run their own company and know very well how to manage their money. They learnt a lot more at the kitchen table than any pt job taught them. They also learnt about decent employers and whats toxic and what isnt.
If i ever referred to an employee like you did, they woul d be disgusted.

When I was in College 20yrs ago, it was standard that everyone had a job. You were an adult and you paid your way. Its part of growing up and learning how to budget money. Plus a great way to learn some life skills, how to deal with tricky people, responsibility and a bit of cop on.

My company has hired young graduates before. 22/23yr olds with degrees but not an ounce of common sense because they had mammy and daddy wiping their bums long into adulthood. Needless to say none of them passed their probation and we now actively avoid hiring any of them.

I know you mean we'll but youre doing her no favours.

You might be better off re-posting this in the sub forum, Craicnet for relevant Irish experiences.

My friend’s DS is at Uni in Cork and cannot find a job in the city or in the countryside where his parents live. He’s got experience working in a local supermarket in his school summers but cannot get a foothold in the city as he has no family contacts there.

My own teen DS will struggle to get any paid work as he’s autistic and finds interacting with strangers very difficult. I’m dreading the thought of where he might live and funding the Uni years!

He’s a right tightwad. Is he mean with other things OP?

I think she’d need more that that. If she’s studying then work will be minimal and won’t cover much at all. You’d also want her to prioritise learning if you’re paying that much.